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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hey there!
Happy Review Day!
I really liked this, it was beautifully written and I really like the idea behind it. As another reviewer noted, it had a bit of a dystopian feel to it.
One little nitpick I had was with your repetition of the word "but" here:
It just felt a bit clumsy. I don't know, maybe it's just me.
My suggestion would simply be to remove the word "but" from the second line, so that it would read:
The stanza still makes sense, the word repetition is taken care of, and in my opinion, the words "I know I can't hold on any longer" carry more weight and leave more of an impact with the reader.
Just a suggestion though.
All in all, this was a great poem and other than that one little thing, there isn't really anything I would change. Great job, Yastika! I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work.
Thanks for reviewing!
I had actually repeated the 'but' intentionally, since i expected there to an extra line in the middle...however it didn't come out like that!
It sounds really good your way too!
Thanks again!
No problem!
I have to agree with penprincess: do remove the second "but." Doing that would make the wording more appealing and natural.
Okay-dokay! I've made the changes!
Welcome to YWS!
I liked this poem. The imagery you created was very good and I like how the words used were just adequate, like you didnt try to force "big words" in just for the sake of doing so.
The flow is steady throughout the poem, and the punctuation works for this poem.
My favourite lines are :
"A sense of oblivion is crushing me
but I still feel your smile.
But I know I can't hold on any longer.
'Hopeless', my brain thinks."
I could strangely relate to it, and it sort of gave me the sensation of drowning.
Nice work.
Rating : 8/10
Hassan
Thanks!
I really liked that! Beautiful use of words, too.
Thank you!
Hello, welcome to YWS!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your poem! For some reason it kind of felt dystopian and reminded me of the Hunger Games and Divergent. I loved it.
I especially liked the way that you ended your first stanza. It was just right, although I do agree with Shalmz. Your sync could have been done better.
This is very well written and I hope you keep up the good work! I'm looking forward to reading more from you. Till then, keep writing!
GrapeNerd
Thanks a lot!
I'll definitely work on the sync, and you won't believe this, but I wrote this poem when I was in the Divergent fever! (If you've read the series, you know what I'm talking about)
Thanks again and I'm glad you took the time to read my poem.
hi,
i really liked your poem. i could imagine the dark giving way to the sun.
i felt that the sync between the feelings you emoted and the description you gave could have been done better. you want the reader to stick with you to the end.
besides, you are already writing good.
keep writing.
also , review my work at- The first betrayal
let me know what you think.
keep up the good work
Thank you so much!
Glad you took the time to read my poem and I'll work on the 'sync between the feeling and description'
Thanks again!