Published October 3, 2014
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hi Yastika! I'm here upon request, of course :3
You've had a great amount of reviews on this, and some of them look like they must've been really helpful too. I haven't had enough time to read through them all, so I am sorry if I repeat something that has already been mentioned or corrected. I am just going to do my best here!
One of the things I liked so much about the beginning of this story is that we really get to hear the main characters voice throughout this. I feel like I know her as a character immediately because we hear a lot about her past and who she is without it getting too infodumpy. Seeing her thoughts like that and the way it is written so clearly says this is what she is like. I look forward to getting to know more about her as a character as well, as well as getting some more setting and other character descriptions in. You've built up quite the dystopian society for this novel already as well. I wonder how the science aspect of all this will affect her story!
I was missing her name in here. I don't like it when we have complete chapters in a characters viewpoint and we still don't now what they are called! Seeing as this was bleeding with her personality a lot, I felt like we should've known her name more than if this was written another way. I don't know how you would slip it in, but I am sure you can find a way!
Seeing as everyone is a scientific world, wouldn't this mean that her mother was also a scientist? And then, doesn't that also mean that she wouldn't necessarily be a victim but more so a volunteer to the science so that she could see the results and help find out whatever this community wanted to by giving birth to our main character?
Also, I can't help wondering if there is something all these people are building up to? Is there a certain something they are trying to find out, or are they simply trying to unlock all the things they possibly can about the world and beyond that they live in? This makes me wonder when the change from the old way of living became this new one!
I was also thinking about whether or not they are still testing kids and pregnant woman in a similar manner to how they did it for the main character. Did they live the old experiment and let it be after the result? Seeing as they are all scientists I doubt that they would do this for some reason. I feel like they would keep trying it until they found a way to perfect it. So yes, maybe this should be something to consider including. Also, let us know hoe the main character feels about them continuing with this experiment! Especially as she knows it is the reason for her mother's death as well, which must make her very against the idea. Or at least, I am imagine she would be against it.
Make the first comma a semi colon instead. Also, I suggest you make the second use of the word 'that' a 'and' instead, because the sentence just flows better that way.
Rewritten to flow better: that my biological mum died from too many thoughts and emotions that were jammed into her head because of my eyes.
Asking an adult for what would lead to glares? Asking them for emotional advice when they want everything to be scientifically based? Asking them for an explanation of whatever work they are doing? Or asking them any question in general that is seemingly distracting them.
Rewritten because the sentence is clunky and awkward to read aloud as it is: which is funny since most people believe it to be some kind of Utopia.
Okay, this is a pet peeve of mine and something I will always mention when I see it. But when you use an ellipsis, if there is no space after the three dots, then you have joined the two words together. Which means what you really have there is aboutI, and that doesn't make any sense, does it? So what you need is that all important space between the ellipsis and the next word. Like... so.
You mentioned that somehow all the chores that need to be done, like the cooking and cleaning are somehow just done. Don't say that. It's like cutting off an opportunity to build up this world, and also trying to simply stop the reader asking questions about a certain aspect of something. As well as it being unrealistic... So invent a reason with your creative mind
How do these scientists even know what next to test/experiment. Do they just do what interests them (which is unlikely for a dystopian society), or do they have their experiments assigned to them by someone...
Seeing as they are all scientists, I am assuming that the people should be taken in daily for testing or something. Running experiments can be done with anything, but they are also often including humans as tests subjects. Is it compulsory that you have to be a volunteer for a certain amount of experiments, or do you get assigned to being a test subject for a certain one (which, in that case, could mean that the main character's mother is a victim after all.) I just think this idea is something worth thinking through, so the plot can be whole, without any holes in it whatsoever.
I look forward to reading chapter one when I have the time! Thanks for letting me read your story, and keep working on it!
Deanie x
Thanks for all that help! I hope you like the next two chapters, you'll find them at my portfolio!
I really like the concept of kaleidoscope eyes it's nice and creative. Plus the idea that everyone is a scientist. That part is alittle different from you average mutant story and the voice is nice. I really wish there was something I could tell you to help you improve but I generally enjoyed it so there really isn't much I can say
good job, you have left me review less and I applaud you for that.
~pasta!!!
Thanks so much!
Hi! I was just popping by to say that after trying to review this for about three days I've decided that I just can't seem to get anything out that would be helpful. There are just way too many awesome reviews on this already! Sorry, and thank you for asking me! Let me know if you a review on anything else.
Thanks a lot! Just in case you want to continue on this story, the 1st two chapters are already posted!
Thanks a lot! Just in case you want to continue on this story, the 1st two chapters are already posted!
'Ello! I really like the concept of your story here.
)
Here are a few nit-picky comments:
gave birth to a girl with eyes of no specific color, eyes that were like a kaleidoscope of a hundred colors, that were capable of manipulating people's thoughts. -- awesome. I love this concept so much
Not even close to that. Not even close.-- I get what effect you're trying to reach with this part, but I don't think it's working- either erase the part in italics, or reword it for a better effect
I can't even control my abilities, which is obviously a very bad thing. -- examples in this part after this sentence would punctuate this statement even more.
My stepmom (who is amazing) told me, or actually broke it to me, that my biological mum died because of too much emotion and too many thoughts being pressurized and jammed into her head through my eyes.-- this is wonderfully depressing. i love it.
Come with me and join this adventure. Come with me and hear this tale.-- This is powerful and intriguing, and it makes the reader interested, but I don't think "hear" is quite the right word. Maybe word it in a way that the reader feels like the character is taking them with them in the story- like "live in this tale"- you're the author and you can decide what to do with that
Overall-
The way this story is written reminds me of Rick Riordan's "Percy Jackson and the Olympians" series- it's written in a kind of humorous way, not quite so serious all the time. I feel like people who like those books will like what you're writing here.
The actual concept of this story reminds me of Jessica Khoury's novel, "Origin", where there's an immortal girl with different abilities from normal humans who lives around tons of scientists in a research lab in the jungle. (It's a good read- I recommend it
I think you can really do something neat with the concept and idea of this story. I really like how the title fits with the story perfectly.
Thanks for the read, and keep writing!
-rissymay
Thank you so much, rissymay!
Glad you liked it! The next 2 chapters have already been posted, I'd love it if you could read them!
Cool- I'll definitely read them!
Thanks! I hope you like them, do let me know what you think about them!
Hey, Yastika. Great prologue, it had a lot of wit and bite to it. Very "Maximum Ride" feeling.
"More like a scientific experiment that went wrong. I was literally born in a science lab and my biological mother, who was a victim of a variety of drugs, gave birth to a girl with eyes of no specific color, eyes that were like a kaleidoscope of a hundred colors, that were capable of manipulating people's thoughts. Oh, and for gods sake, I am not one of those X-Men. A mutant. Not even close to that. Not even close."
Just a few suggestions for this section:
- The use of the word "literally" makes it sound less of a telling of story and more of a talking to a friend. If the main character is telling a story, one of great importance it seems like, I would make the diction a little less casual. Though, if that's the take you're going for, then please continue.
- The sentence that begins with "I was literally..." seems like a bit of a run on, with plenty of extra add-ons. You could take some of those and form them into a separate idea, shortening the sentence but expanding upon the topics.
- *God's sake
Other than that, I loved it! Great job!
Thanks alot!
Hello, Yastika! It's Brunnera. I found that you included a link to your first chapter on my wall, and I shall review first on your prologue before going on to the first chapter.
I'm not all that used to reading science fiction (I've only read works from Philip K. Dick and Edgar Allan Poe), so for me to be exposed to a plot such as yours mildly amuses me.
One thing that particularly struck me in this prologue was how the unnamed narrator interacted with the reader, and not in that serious way that most characters do, but in a humorous, childish way that immediately tells the reader that the character speaking is no more than a teenager. It's a great technique of indirectly giving information to us.
The way you have introduced the fact of her eyes; how they are like kaleidoscopes, how they were naturally without any specific color, and that you have introduced them so early in the prologue, immediately pulls the reader into the character's world. True, it is hard to imagine being born like that. True, it's mysterious for her to be that way. But mystery is magical, and is nicely applied to your character.
You've nicely balanced between telling a bit of the character's back story with the present time, such as how people like her stepfather consider the scientific world they live in. I often struggling with juggling between the past and present in a story timeline, so to see you handle it so adeptly impresses me.
I liked how you ended this!
" Come with me and join this adventure. Come with me and hear this tale. "
It reminds me of that really old, 1950s or 1960s science-fiction show "The Twilight Zone". It's really inviting so... yeah! Intriguing way to end the prologue.
Yes, you may have noticed I have no nit-picks...particularly because I didn't find anything wrong with it.
~Brunnera
Thanks a lot!
This has got to be one of the best prologues I've read in a while. Other than when I reread the Way of Kings. But still, one of the best.
First off: is your character, I feel is sh is what I loved so much about this story. She's endearing, without ever appearing onscreen. Something that I've rarely seen published authors do. She's snarky, well educated, kind of insane.(I'm guessing the itallics is kind of like what happens in deadpool, multiple .personality's and such.) and blunt. I love this character so much,
I don't get any of the premise in this story, other than a fairly lighthearted dystopia, with a kid who has eye magic. Cool. I'd love to see more of this! So, mission accomplished there.
Speaking of the dystopia, how is it? Cool. Very cool. It has it's weird questions that leave you thirsting for more, and those odd tidbits of information that fill in the oh-so-stereotypical plot holes.
I don't have much left to say here, so I'll quote a famous author.
"I loved this [story]. What else is there to say?" -Patrick Rothfuss.
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it!
Hey, I really enjoyed the prologue! I also noticed that you have a chapter one, I'll check that out! I loved how you described the girls eyes: "gave birth to a girl with eyes of no specific color, eyes that were like a kaleidoscope of a hundred colors", this is a great simile (it's a simile right?
) Anyhoo, I think that you should tell us what the girls name is, unless you do that in chapter one. You might also want to add what her super powers are. I just wanted to add that I liked how you said that she thought of her society as "a perfect example of dystopian literature," because whenever you do read dystopian literature, everyone always thinks that their society is a utopia! Keep writing more of it, I want to know what happens!
good luck,
-kitty4111
Thanks a lot! You'll get to know her name in chapter one, but only towards the end! Her powers aren't that great...just that, manipulating people's thoughts, actions and emotions using her eyes...thanks again!
Hi there!
I came across Chapter 1 of your novel and saw that I should read the prologue. So here I am!
This is all one big thought. I like how you start out this way, with the main character thinking about what she is and what she's not. It makes me think. Who is she exactly? What's made her be like this? Does she like it? Is this a cry for help? Does she want to change? And that's what a good prologue does. It sets up the story and makes us want to read more based on all of our burning questions.
I do want to make a comment about these thoughts though. You're writing this in first person POV. The great thing about that is we as readers get to be inside the character's head. We get to see what she's thinking and understand why she's doing what she's doing. That being said, there really doesn't seem to be a need, most of the time, to put thoughts out there like that. Why separate it? It works just as well if you unitalisize it. My rule of thumb for writing in first person is only use specific thoughts in italics. For example, "Superpower? Pfft." That could very well be a part of the narration. There's nothing specific about that that makes it deserve special attention as a thought. Get what I'm saying?
Overall, I think this is a pretty good prologue. My only concern with this is that it feels a bit too much like an info dump. It's nice information to know, but why not spread that information out over the first few chapters? Dive right into the story and then tell us of her super powers.
Alright, I lied. I have one more concern :3 (they're not really concerns per say, but I like using that word to describe it) How is it that everyone ends up being a scientist? Who works the other jobs? Cooks, bus drivers, bankers, government officials. I just think it's a bit of a stretch to say everyone is a scientist. Maybe that's something that kids strive to be, but if they fall short there can always be something else?
I really enjoyed reading this and you've definitely got me hooked! I'm a sucker for a good superhero story. Can't wait to see where you go with this!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks a lot Noelle!
That's the whole point, the reason why this story is dystopian, everybody becomes a scientist. How strange.
This scientist thing? This is what our protagonist figures out in the future chapters...whoops! Did I say too much?
I'm glad you liked it, your review was really helpful...I'll work on it!
Thanks again!
Hey there! Writer here as requested. Turns out I have time after all
So first of all, congratulations on posting this! It's pretty awesome, right? I'm excited to see where this story goes.
Okay, so I may pull out a lot in the following quotes, but there's a good reason:
So basically this is one large information dump. "I can't even be called a girl" is kind of like a "wait what" moment. I would start out with a description of some sort. The prologue isn't always necessary in a book, but if you were to have one, start off slow and mysterious to draw your readers in. Starting off with "I can't even be called a girl" is muy confusing.
It could go like
"I am the girl with..." [insert color] hair or something along those lines of mentioning SHE IS A GIRL, and then you can say "I can't even be called girl."
But then, don't give us all the information at once, you know? Don't tell us everything in one paragraph. Spread it out. Okay this metaphor is gonna sound weird, but imagine the plot/structure is bread.
Now imagine the details/information the butter. You don't want a clump of butter on the bread, it wouldn't taste as smooth. Same goes for descriptions. You want them to come one by one, like little puzzle pieces. But don't give us all the info at once.
Not sure what you're going for here. But I think saying "stereotype" in the story kind of takes away from the plot. Like, I'm not sure, but it's weird. I wouldn't include that for the sake of the story. It's as if that's an Author's Note telling us she's awesome. Well how is she awesome? Show us, rather than tell us.
Okay there's a lot of potential here. First off, is the last line apart of the story? If not, put Author's Note to ensure us it's what you're saying, not the narrator. Because that can confuse people. Also, I'd be careful about how straightforward this narration already is. Your narration is pretty informal and casual, which is fine, but too much of it could drive readers away and even possibly bore them. Give us descriptions, SHOW us what is happening. But don't literally tell us everything.
Keep up the good work! I like this idea and I'm excited to see chapter one!
Thanks alot!
And your metaphor was a great example!
I'll do the changes and will hopefully clear the tangle through the 1st chapter...
So, I've made a teeny-weeny change. Hmmm.
Where?
Right after the first line!
Sorry XD I see
This isn't grammatical review you can ask my girlfriend I suck at those. I do more of how the story flows and how well you describe things because in a science fiction novel that's your job to build us a world that we have never seen before. Since this is just a prologue no one can expect much. But you do tease the readers with little snips of information like....
"I live in a world where all adults are scientists. Weird, I know, but this is home. I've wondered who does all the stuff like cleaning up the streets and cooking the food, but it all seems to be just done."
That would make anyone scratch their head and ask how the heck does that work. (Where some scifi fanatics might go more ROBOTS ROBOTS EVERY WHERE!)
But you do a very good job in doing what a prologue should do and I hope that through the rest of the book you do the same by interesting us to read more to know more.
Good Luck and I'll be reading more
P.S. The beginning was wonderfully built I laughed a bit when she seemed so annoyed with X-men
Hmm...ROBOTS? You'll find out in the next chapters...thanks for reviewing! Also I made some changes. Glad you liked it!
Really cool story!
heehee )
So, I did find a few nitpicks almost immediately into the story.
" I can't even be called a girl, I think. More like a scientific experiment that went wrong. I was born in a science lab and my biological mother, who was a victim of a variety of drugs gave birth to a girl with eyes of no specific color, eyes that were like a kaleidoscope of a hundred colors, that were capable of manipulating people's thoughts. Oh, and for gods sake, I am not one of those X-Men. A mutant. Not even close to that. Not even close. "
Here is what this confusing run-on should look like:
• "I can't even be called a girl, I think. More like a scientific experiment that went wrong. I was born { of } a science lab my biological mother { . } { She } was a victim of a variety of drugs gave birth to a girl with eyes of no specific color, eyes that were like a kaleidoscope of a hundred colors, that were capable of manipulating people's thoughts. Oh, and for gods sake, I am not one of those X-Men. A mutant. Not even close to that. Not even close. "
" Step mom " should actually be " { stepmom } ". Or so I think. Idk XD
" My { stepmom } (who unlike the stereotypes, is amazing) "
The comma should be after " who " , and keep the one after " stereotypes " as well.
" Now this just stinks because I've already made an 'This-is-going-to-be-a-total-mutant-ninja-karate-chopsuey-story' impression on you. Right? "
First, it should be "a" because what comes next begins with a consonant. Next, the "T" should be lowercase. Third, it should be " choppy " or " chopping " , depending on what you choose. I would pick " chopping ".
" ... books about the way people lived millennium back. "
It should be " millenniums " .
Otherwise great story!
I love the use of teenager-ish words, to show that the character is definitely an adolescent. Great storytelling. Excellent creativity!
Highest Regards from your Editor,
(
-- Sbf1102 (a. k. a. Sophia ) Did I do that backwards? Whatever. XD
Thanks alot!
I'll make the changes!
So, I've made some changes.