there is no escaping/ you have stained my world in colours of your own/
i'm driving home and it's your favourite songs playing on the radio/ the ones you'd sing in the quietness of the world's slumber/ and the ones we sang together when we climbed the sycamore trees east of town/ our voices mixing in ways that sent shivers down my spine/ the ones we'd dance to in the kitchen/ swinging and swaying/ you'd laugh at the flowers i tucked in your hair/ and say they were too fragile/ only a diadem of my bones could please you/
i stop at the red light/ but the memories don't/ only a hundred metres from here/ months ago/ the cops had pulled us over for speeding/ did they know?/ it wasn't just your bike that was too fast/ we were speeding through our lives/ too fast too fast too fast/
the lights turn green/ and i can only remember how it used to be your favourite colour/ before you met me/ after then/ you said your favourite colour was that of my soul/ too dark and too light and too much of a contradiction/ but a week after that/ we were tangled up under the sheets/ when you decided that your favourite colours were the shades we made/ when we were one/
an air plane cuts through the sky above/ and i can hear the crash of the tide/ that time you flew me to the beach for my birthday/ we were so loud/ and bright/ and alive/ as we splashed around and laughed/ your lips were sweet and your skin was warm/ kissing me softly as we lay on the sand/ that was the safest i've ever felt/ i realised the meaning of many word that day/ home meant you/ happy meant you/ magic meant you/ alive meant you/ you were my everything/ you are/
the purest joy i've ever felt/ was seeing your eyes light up/ at all the little things/ i'd do/ to see you smile/ you'd tease me for never giving back your shirts/ i'd tease you for all the polaroids of me you hung in your room/
i stop my car outside the park/ and walk to our bench/ to sit/ and stare/ at the clouds/ i can't bear to look at our names carved into the wood/ but i know they're there/ perpetuating that we had conquered this bench/ and would one day conquer the world/ i'm remembering the day/ i sat here alone/ waiting for you/ worrying because you had never been late before/ and you came up/ at the periphery of my sight/ walking towards me/ you were a vision with the golden sunset behind you/ the rest of the world was reduced to dust/ i loved you/ i love you/ i do/ my heart sobbed with the relief of this realisation/ this epiphany that had been creeping up on me/ from the moment i knew you/ my lungs exploded/ and/ from that moment/ i was a completely different person/ i was yours/
you walked towards me/ so powerful and graceful/ completely ethereal and out of this world/ shameless thrills of pleasure danced around of my bones/ to know that i was the only one who could make you weak/ before you reached our bench/ and sat next to me/ and smiled/ i wondered what i had done to deserve you/
it starts to rain but i don't get up/ there is a clash of thunder/ and i think that it sounds like our fights/ what started those fires?/ i don't remember/ but i do know that the ashes were like golden syrup/ sweet/
lighting is tearing apart the sky now/ and i am ashamed/ to find that i wish i was struck down/ and annihilated/ what can i do?/ my every heart beat is irrelevant now/ i am no longer the pulsing existence of heat and joy/ who you loved/
i'm back in the car/ the car chokes before starting up/ it doesn't recognise/ the person i have become/ my fingers grip the steering wheel/ and i remember how the wind would ruffle your hair as we sped down the highways/ i was your muse/ but now even the birds are saddened by the thought of me/
the car rolls into the driveway/ the neighbour's garden has the most beautiful roses in it/ but they are nothing/ compared to the roses you grew in me/ in my lungs/ in my head/ around my heart/ everywhere/ all that's left now are dead petals and blood stained thorns/
i close my eyes/ everything looks like you/ tastes of you/ feels like you/ smells of you/sounds like you/ how cruel you are!/
there is no escaping/ you have stained my world in colours of your own/
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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ive never seen poetry written in this format before and i love it! its a really unique way to make certain changes in the rhythm that really set the tone and feel of the poem. it reads like an elegy and has a really interesting mix of heartbreaking and nostalgic. poems like this are supposed to be syrupy in a sad, distraught way, and as you progressed with your parallel storytelling it really came together fluidly.
the paragraph lengths throw me off slightly, some of them being comparatively big for a poem, but the fluidity of the verses/lyrics helps with the flow. good job on this!
thank you for the feedback! i'll work on the formatting and length of verses for sure.
This is gonna be surprisingly short given the amount of content condensed into the piece presented, but my points are few and I'm not big into spending my hours kissing the feet of those who know their talent.
Do you know your talent?
If you do, then you should put more effort into your formatting. I wouldn't demand anything painstaking, but other than the places wherein the rush of the condensation feels needed and, almost as though the piece must needs gasp for heady breath, there are many places that lend themselves better to traditional structure and whitespace.
You dealt me a critical blow in stanza V wherein the narrator attributes all these things synonymous with her love. But near the end, the line with the dictionaries--nix it, burn it. It's clunky and completely breaks the flow and rather emotional moment.
Later on while on the park bench, we have a chance for a fluid tense shift in I loved you / I love(d) you / I do -- the second loved should certainly shift forward into present for the momentum change.
A tiny bit later you use the only bit of punctuation in the entire poem, which is an exclamation mark, and I'll count it as an oversight that can be fixed easily in editing.
You've got remarkably good stuff here. I don't know how else to put it. The largest flaw is the difficulty of reading it to begin with. Think on it and experiment.
Ty xo
You've been incredibly kind.
I realise the formatting is a complete mess- I definitely intend to work on that. Think of this as the idea for a prospective work?
Made a few correction as you pointed out. Thanks <3
You bundle of talent, you
i see the sarcasm
This is almost like a spoken word.
is that good or bad? did you enjoy it? *nervous*
its good and i did enjoy it
you're so kind <3