i press the gun to his cheek, and I'm so sure I could pull the trigger/ his eyes are wild, but not half as wild as I feel/ do it, he whispers/ my blood is hot, and i'm thrilled by the recklessness that spills from my pores/ oh, doesn't he know? his word is my one belief/ his lips are my religion/ instead, i press my mouth to his and feel the fire in me flare/ does this kill him too? i want to scream in frustration- he is so completely unfathomable/ does this inspire him? i hear the gun clatter on the pavement as it slips from my fingers, which move to tangle in his hair/ his hands are all over me, driving me insane, insane/ stars have escaped the clutches of the sky and filled me instead, emanating wonder from my eyes/ i'm suddenly aware of cold metal pressing into my side/ the rumble of laughter- of distant thunder- vibrates in his form as he murmurs, i wonder what your blood will look like/ i smile against his lips and try in vain to catch my absconding sanity/ i tip my head back so he may feast on my neck, eyes rolling back in bliss/ my blood will look like your end, i promise/ i know it because every time i speak, the words settle on his tongue and in his eyes i see the world upturned by the taste/ i know it because every time we touch, lightning caught on fire charge through his tar black soul and rearrange his every atom/ he hums in agreement/ dragging the gun higher up to my neck/ suddenly, annoyance surges through me and i push him away/ i can't bear to look at his face/ i hate him/ he's beauty, he's terror/ i'm not afraid to say i'd die without him/
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Holy shit. This is AWESOME. I don't have any words. Actually no, two words - freaking amazing. Hell, you should become a writer. The atmosphere, the descriptions, the tension...holy shit man. This is pure gold. Reminds me of great noir stories, but with a female lead. That makes it even more awesome. Wauw. Just pure wauw. Like I said, you should go pro. The day when you do so - I will be first in line to by a book. All of them, in fact. I have said and I will repeat it, since I can't stress this enough, but you are amazing. No, seriously. Freaking A, man. Freaking A.
Hey yakitsa!
I genuinely like they was you write, your style is absolutely wonderful. This poem is a fantastic work. The words you chose to use such as "absconding sanity" are great. I like the way you write, but I can't help to feel as it is one huge run on sentence (which in reality it is not). I would recommend trying to use stanzas to separate each slightly different idea from the other. Other than that, I find nothing wrong! I hope to see more of your work, keep up the good work.
thank you for the feedback! i'll work on the formatting for sure.
not afraid to say is truly inspiring and very descriptive piece of text. I love that you can understand where the main character is coming from. there is so much emotion and depth behind every line. It is so intense you loose yourself as you read which is sometimes very hard to do. I absolutely love that there are many metaphors in this piece of writing.
My only criticism is to make sure all the lowercase i's become Capitals in the right place of course other that this is really good.
I am slightly jealous as this is very good and even though it isn't long the point does come across very clearly.
Keep up the good work
thank you for all the pointers. the lack of capitalisation is me abusing poetic license, but i'll keep it in mind.
Yakitsa, I'll say great work.
If its a poem I think creating rhythm will make it greater.
I)..his eyes are wild...
how about showing us him us being wild than telling. I think this will make it great.
ii)...I hear the gun clatter on the pavement as it slip from my figure, which move to tangle in his hair..
so hearing the gun clutter should mean it has already slipped off your fingers. You've heard it clatter so it should not be slipping because it already off your hand
thanks for the feedback!
welcome