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Hi Yastika!

I wasn't aware that this part was going to be completely separate from the rest of the story, but now that I do I will treat it like it should be! I can't help but wonder though, why is it then titled like all the rest of the novel? Shouldn't it be something unique and separate so that it can hold its own? That was a bit strange, in my opinion...

The main problem I have with this chapter is that it seems a bit pointless. Yes, this is supposed to be a short story, but I am assuming it is extended to this, and yet we don't have any idea what the key plot idea might be. And if this is the short story in its completeness, then I am definitely not satisfied. The story itself is kind of pointless. We get to see two people messing around... but really there is nothing more to it. We don't learn anything from the story and I feel like I have just used my time up reading playful banter. A short story doesn't always have to be agonizingly short if you feel you don't have enough words to tell a reasonable story. So make sure everything you write has some kind of meaning to it or message that the reader will pick up. And if this is just the first start to the short story, make sure there is something of the plot in this first part that will keep the reader wanting to read and hook them in.

Another thing I wanted more was description. Aside from the short story here, all we get is dialogue. I wanted to know what these characters looked like so that I could put a face to all the words that are being said. It is important to get to know their relationship, which is something we get to see through their banter. But we don't get to know anything much of their personalities or appearances. Another thing we don't get any of is setting. I am not sure how connected this is to the novel and if it is all set in the same world. It might be, or it might not. But I should know from the way you describe things, so make sure that is something you put a bit of effort into in this story as well. Even the shortest of short stories give us the faint bearings we need to grip onto the reality of the story.

Again, like in the previous works of yours I have read, I felt like you overused the italics. Yes, these people are playfully teasing each other in a way I do believe requires some italics to help put emphasis on certain words. But then again, between capitals and italics you are emphasizing a huge amount of words... too many for my liking. So just make sure you look out for where you need them most and cut back from using them in other places as well.

Seeing as this is pretty short in itself there isn't much for me to say. I look forward to if you post another part to this short story, or if there is another chapter to your novel!

Deanie x

That is funny, it is sort of like my life! great job! Keep writing!

Ugh, hello. I'm sorry this took so long, I was off in Kentucky takin' care of budiness. But now that's done, and I can work on getting reviews done. So with that we enter this piece.

This is hilarious. And not in the, that was funny I guess, this story made me laugh the whole way through, and the Sal's ending made me clap. Praise God for good humor! -No, seriously, praise him- Anyway there isn't much material to look at here, but I'll find some stuff just for the sake of calling this a review.

I love the, um, whatever these things are: ("Sal's eyes? Is this story about you?" "Yes, now keep quiet.")
Those just sliced the cake for me. Mmm, cake. And Sal's dry humor was another winner for me.
I love this series, and hope to see more of it in the future.

Keep writing
~-~ Jumpyspot ~_~

Rissymay here...

Haha I really like this. Cute.

The only thing I really had a problem with is there was a spot you had dialogue for a long time- kind of daunting reading dialogue for that long... perhaps add a speaker tag or pause? or maybe it's fine and I'm writing things that don't make sense because it's almost 2 am and I have been doing reviews for hours... dunno...

I loved all the little interruptions in his story.

Basically... fun, and cute. Me gusta.
-rissymay

Hello, Yastika02! I'm emeraldfox, representing Team EarthBenders this Review Day!

This was pretty funny and I laughed a lot at it! I needed that after just reviewing a few very heavy pieces. Sal and Miranda are so relatable and I could tell so much about their personalities just by reading this short piece. I didn't need to read the other chapters to understand what was happening. I liked how Miranda kept adding her opinions and interrupting Sal's story. Your spelling, capitalization, grammar, and punctuation had no mistakes!

When Sal and Miranda are talking back and forth a lot, you should add tag lines to clarify who is speaking. SInce they had a fairly long dialogie, it got pretty confusing. Also, your formatting could be improved with this simple trick: when you are moving to a new line, but not starting a new paragraph, hold down shift+enter so that your lines aren't double-spced.

I enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece! It was lighthearted and very relatable! Maybe I'll read and review the other chapters of Look Into My Eyes because this got me hooked!

"YWS is blue,
Our team is green.
We're the best reviewers
You've ever seen."
-@pendr for Team Earthbenders

Here I am to review this for you!

I did like this piece quite a lot. I found the story within a story a little confusing at first, but after reading further I figured out your format and it read smoothly.

I suggest that just for the first couple of lines you add said Miranda and said Sal so that without your author's note, the reader can know who is talking.

Your characters go well together and their speech was very believable. I like the way that you put their little comments throughout the story within the story.

That's really all I need to say, great job!

Hey, ok i can only say such a cool story. This stories flow is just grate and easy readable, i liked how it jumped from Sal to Miranda. I liked the whole format of the story- story inside of a story, it's quite interesting to read it. At the beginning i wasn't quite sure i would like it but i not only liked it i loved it and the little comments in between the story gave it a grate feeling. Well if i wasn't in the mood this morning this cheered me up quite a bit. I liked their conversation, it was realistic like two teenagers speaking, i've read so many stories who try to change conversations in to something their not making it boring and not believable. On the most days i would say that i din't like how it ended but not today. "What?" is a good end for this story it kinda belongs there giving that feeling of what.
And you were right you don't need to now earlier stories to relate to this one, it is simply a grate story on it's own. I think almost everyone who have went to school can relate to this.
So thanks for a grate story to cheered me up, keep on the good work.

Awesome!!! That was really funny, Yastika! The only thing I question is if it's teen fiction and science fiction. I think of it as more of a realistic humor story. I loved how you had the comments by Miranda during the story! Great job!

Yastika02,

I saw that you wanted me to read and possibly review your story so here I am!

I haven't read "Look into my eyes" on here but now because I read this and like of so much I'm thinking about check I g it out.

It seemed like it was supposed to be comedic and I felt like it succeeded. I was smiling through most of it because I felt it was very enjoyable and light hearted.

I thought the way you did the whole "show don't tell" thing with the dialogue was very well done. I would have put a couple times lime "Sal told Miranda" or something like that after a few prices of dialogue but I didn't get lost reading it never the less.

Like I said I'll probably check out the original work.

Great job!! Keep it up!!