wow. people are really mean. and don't worry. my story will never ever be on this ridiculous website again. for those who think your a good writer watch out someone will tell you they don't like it! Buhbyee.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
Okay... Jessie- YWS members believe that criticism is healthy, but if you want to remove your story...
*LOCKED*
I'll unlock it if you're prepared to put your work up again.
This "Ridiculous website" is a site for mature writers who are willing to have their work honestly critiqued by others. If you cannot take any of this, you should not be here.
Plenty of us have had people tell us our writings weren't perfect. We don't retaliate with angry remarks, thinking it's the other person's fault they don't like our work.
No one's writing will always please everyone, but a person can take another's advice to fix their errors instead of getting mad and not learning anything from it.
Welcome to the club Jessie!
One thing is that we have a rule here asking us to not use IM improved words, like omnigoodness. Even if most of it was in a text, it should've still been written out.
Another thing is whenever you said so, you held it out like "soooooo", if you want to emphasize how relived or whatever she is feeling when she says that put it in bold or something like that.
Just a couple thoughts.
You also had a couple words missing in some places, such as "I love you pink and black one." There are a couple of those mistakes in there, along with spelling mistakes.
Other than that I think the stories really interesting! I'd love for you to write more!
Hope to see it soon! - Irish
Hey!
Okay, have you read the rules yet? If you haven't, I would suggest reading them, since you just broke one.
Moving on....
You had a lot of both grammatical and spelling errors. I found a lot of run-on sentences, and even more misspelled words. You could always use spell check, and as for the run-on sentences, just combine them with another sentence. Simple as that.
Finally, this piece sounded really... unnatural. If you read the whole thing out loud, you'll notice a bunch of sentences and paragraphs where they just don't sound right.
This is one example. You used "bad mood" in two side by side sentences, which just makes it sound weird. There are a lot of other paragraphs like this.
I can't really comment on your story itself; I was focusing too much on your mistakes. Sorry.
Well, happy editing!
zOe
Hiya Jessie and welcome to YWS! I'm Selene and it's a pleasure to meet you. ^_^
Here, we have a few simple rules that must be followed:
~Please review at least two other works on YWS before posting your own. That means you better get crackin'! This is called the 2:1 ratio when it comes to reviewing and submitting work. It's very important to YWS, because it keeps it balanced.
~Please do not use chat-speak or CAPs. For example: "THAT WAS AWESOME! GREAT JOB!" or "dat wuz gr8 kp wrtng." We're all writers here, so you're expected to write like one.
~Please make sure your reviews are at least three sentences long, or else they won't count as a review. Try and point out errors in work and help them improve on their writing, because putting thoughts into critiques are greatly appreciated by the writer.
~Please rate your work. If there is sexual content or vulgar language, please rate it R. Also, please rate appropriately.
I'm going to critique just a bit of this now, but will come back later to give a more thorough review once you've reviewed two pieces of work here on the site.
My best advice is to just check this over. There are some silly mistakes that can be caught by yourself and easily corrected, so take the time to look through it.
As for the story itself, it sounds a bit cliche and is begging for some descriptive details. If you add some description to it, like your character's personalities and appearances, it'll capture your reader's attention so much more. So spice it up!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
I only read a small fraction of this. I could not bring myself to read the rest due to all the errors and terrible style of writing.
I can see you are thirteen years old, but that is not an excuse to be writing a story as if you were IMing one of your friends.
Let me begin:
So many grammical errors and spelling in this single sentence, and the last bit doesn't make any sense at all.
It is informal to use all caps for something like this in a story, so if you want to emphasis on the word, please just use italics. Plus, there is no need to use an exclamation point, and it makes your story come off even more childish and immature.
Again with the exclamation point, and I think it should be replaced with a question mark instead.
...Again, the exclamation points, and I made the beginning of the sentence a lot better.
The underlined sentence sounds so fake and unrealistic of a kid to say. I also hate how much you're mentioning the character's age, like it truly matters how old you have to be go to visit a small town.
Again, informal. Please use real words. You are writing a story, not IMing one of your pals.
Overall:
To have this simply put; I do not like this at all. Please work on your writing before posting to others. I understand you are thirteen years old, and probably just finished eight grade Languege Arts, though (as I can remember) they teach you grammar and both good and bad ways of writing. It is a good thing you are young though, it is much easier to fix mistakes and grow accoustomed to better writing styles at a younger age than of when you are older.