Hey, I'm just trying this out this now and I would like to know any miskates I have made and your thoughts and opinions on this.
Prologue
Once long ago, a curse was put on my family by a great necromancer. Over six thousand years ago, my ancestor, the great Lord Ashdown, had everything that he could have ever wanted: wealth, a family that loved him, servants and guards willing to do as his every command. As he began to age, he looked in the mirror and realised he did not want to grow old and die. He wanted to be eternally young, that the life that he had was not enough. He spent years researching the dark arts trying to find the answer to eternal life and finally sought out the necromancer Arcanon Decayn. The necromancer refused to give him the answer to his question. Lord Ashdown’s greed made him furious and he had his guards torture Arcanon yet he grew no closer to finding the answer he sought.
Arcanon eventually died in the cells of Lord Ashdown’s castle and with his last words he said, “I curse thee for what you have done. From this day forward, every hundred years on this date a boy of sixteen from your bloodline will die and become a revenant forced to walk the earth seeking revenge on the soul who did this to them, bringing mortal terror to the earth. On this day I curse thee....” He died, the last lines of the curse disappearing with him. Lord Ashdown searched the castle for his sixteen year old son only to find his dead body. The curse had already started. A week after the boy’s funeral, his tomb was found open and his coffin empty. The following day Lord Ashdown disappeared never to be seen again, his wealth inherited by his fourteen year old son.
Yeah, not the normal bedtime story parents tell their kids at night but as you might expect from a teenage boy, I never believed the story. I thought it was just a story to scare us: that was until it happened to me.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well we have ourselves some rather immediate fairy tale vibes emanating off of that one...but well considering things are in italics I assume that is the effect that we're going for here. It does seem like a pretty nominal tale there, we have ourselves a powerful individual that appears to have basically everything that they could want in life but they realize that perhaps they could end up dying someday and therefore seeks immortality and it looks like this person got a lot closer than most in that they found somebody who knows the answer to the whole mortality situation and is actively torturing said person to get the answer...definitely an intriguing tale here.
Well that most certainly wasn't your average fairy tale as far as the actual ending goes, that is a very...cursed ending...[no pun intended]...but...well, it was quite a powerful tale that one...to see this person pushed to the very limit during torture until they actually succumb to said torture and end up dying...and well, they have the last laugh I suppose as they use a curse to condemn this family to a lifetime of suffering...with a truly horrible fate, probably with the intention that either the family will remain tortured forever or simply die out. Well, this is a very powerful start here.
Well, so it was some sort of tale that was just a bedtime story...but well, it looks like perhaps it isn't exactly fiction after all...judging by that statement there...especially the whole part it happening to this poor kid here...well, definitely a very neat way of ending off this prologue right here...makes for quite the chilling conclusion that really makes you want to find out more. So overall, this was a really solid prologue that you've got right here and this seems like a story that I would read
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hii there! Happy Review Day!
Oaky, I find this very interesting. I like what you've written. But i fail to see the originality in this.
I've read a lot of books and storiess about how a man, not wanting to die, seeks the guidance of something evil and something really bad happens. Then cue-hero who comes and changes the fate if the entire universe.
But I like how you've twisted it in the last few lines and made it a bit more orgiinal.
Over all the plot looks quite interesting. You've done a great job!
Keep writing!
-Divz
thanx for the reveiw, I have a few ideas to make this a bit less original
Hello there! Here to review your work for review day!
Well, I've just read the whole thing and I really loved it! I think you've thought of a really good idea here and I'm excited to read more!
I'm not entirely sure what a revenant is or means so maybe you could take some time in your prologue to do some explaining for those of us who are in the dark.
I think you need a few more commas here and there but I can only give you the advice of reading it aloud and hearing yourself where you would naturally pause.
Good luck! and I look forward to reading the first chapter.
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Olive <3
thanx and i have changed it into past tense and i have been changing a few things in it but i will post the prologue and the first paragraph when i finish it
Hey Xan!
The bolded sentence is just repetitive, seeing as you go on to tell the story of how the family got cursed. I say nix it.Shady here with a review for you this fine evening.
~ Eh...Not sure I'm buying this. He's a /necromancer/. He's *powerful*. He wouldn't just let himself be tortured by puny mortals.
~ Curses are hard. Really hard, believe me, I know. I've been avoiding the curse in my story for a long, long time because I can't word it right-- but...
You keep switching wording. "I curse *thee* for what *you* have done...on this day I curse *thee*." Keep...tenses, I suppose, the same. I recommend the Old English. And, like, change it...I don't know what to suggest. Make it more vague. More ominous.
...Why is a teenage boy still being told bedtime stories?
Better: "I thought it was just a story meant to scare...until it happened to me."
~
Okay! A good, strong start to what looks to be a good story. You could flesh it out a bit. Add more color and descriptions to it, slow it down a bit. It's not very long.
If you need any more help or have any questions, don't hesitate to PM or Wall me.
Keep writing!
~Shady
thanx for the review it helped a lot.
Hey xxxXanthexxx,
I'm here to review the prolouge of your story: "Revenant". I have to admit the title and the plot of your story are amazing, The title is catchy, new, creative and most important it describes the plot of your story in a simple word.AWESOME. The idea of your story is new, I personaly haven't read anything in which every hundred years a sixteen year-old from one bloodline-Ashdown's- would die and after that he would transform into a revenant who is forced to seek revenge.
The narattor style you have adopted in your writing is excellent, in that form of writing you have manged to do an excellent job describing the charachters, the history and the type of the curse, Really Creative, amazing and fantastic.
I rally wish you can write the full story so that I can read it, I can't wait to.Hope to see the next chapters soon.
Best Regards,
MTB.
thanx for the reveiw
review*