Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I lie back against the slab of rock, feeling the cold of it through my thin top. He starts to kiss my lips, slowly at first. His body presses against mine; the bare skin of his arm is raised in goose bumps from the cold or maybe just from nervousness. I could feel the snow landing on my face and my arms. I open my eyes for just a second; his chestnut hair is covered in white dots. His eyes are closed but it is as if they are smiling at me. I close my eyes again just wanting everything to revolve around him. I did not care if we were outside, that I was getting my clothes muddy, that people may be watching in on our forbidden love.
He lets his hands wander up and down my body until he finds the bottom of my top; he starts to lift it up slowly. I instantly sit up, startling him, pulling my top back into place. He stares at me, shocked, his eyes questioning. All I say is one word and he understands. Scars.
He looks me straight in the eye, his face a mask of concern. “Look, it’s me, you know me, right? I’ll love you no matter what.” I take a deep breath. I could feel the warmth of his hand on my cheek, trying somehow to reassure me.
“Okay” I breathe. “Turn around.” He smiles teasingly for a moment but it disappears quickly when he sees the look on my face.
“Fine,” he complains, raising his hands, surrendering. He stands up, looking down at me. He walks a few steps away from me, facing away as I remove my top. My teeth start to chatter. He must have heard because he turns back around and wraps his arms around me. “Your beautiful.” He says, whispering in my ear. We hold each other close: our breathing so in sync, we might as well have been one person. His heart beat matches mine, beating fast and loud. I loved these moments where he could just be mine, nobody else’s, just mine.
That may happen again, at least not with him. That moment is only a memory now. It may never happen again. He left me but I still remember that day. Maybe, one day, I will just forget it completely. I do not want to but to forget the pain, I must.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
I liked this story. I wish there would have been more description as to why the boy and the girl are outside in the snow. I also wanted to know more details about them. What's her name? What's his name? Why does he leave her. The last paragraph is a little awkward.
"That may happen again, at least not with him. That moment is only a memory now. It may never happen again. He left me but I still remember that day. Maybe, one day, I will just forget it completely. I do not want to but to forget the pain, I must."
You say "That may happen again" then two sentences later you say "It may never happen again" which is just a little awkward and confusing for the reader. You also say "Maybe, one day, I will just forget it completely. I do not want to but to forget the pain, I must." You go from saying you might forget it, to you must forget it. The last sentence is also confusing. "I do not want to but to forget the pain, I must". You do not want to do what? Why was it painful?
You also mention that the girl doesn't want to take her top off because of scars. Scars from what? Did she cut herself? Why did she cut herself?
I loved the description of this short story. I just wish it would've been more of a short story with a plot and a resolution. I really loved the imagery though, and I'm very curious to see what else you can come up with.
Hello Lovely,
I really liked this piece. It wasn't at all what I thought it might be, and at the end I was totally amazed. I thought it was going to be some sad story about how someone loved someone and they died or something like that and in the end he just left her. Why though? There are a lot of questions left in this story, and that can be a good thing. You could really hook someone with something like this and then do more explaining later. I do think that you should have add a little more detail to the scene, but that and the formating have already been pointed out, so no point and going on and on over that. As I said, nice job, and I can't wait to see more things from you.
I really like this.
I can feel what the girl is feeling. The warmth of being embraced is truly irreplaceable and the feeling of comfort is magical. Though, i only say this based on the feelings that i felt while i read this. The feeling is good and the formatting is just a wee bit problem but for me the writing is okay. Im not that good in critiquing the way you wrote it or the grammar since im not that good myself but its yours so just write it in anyway you like.
Keep up the good work!
I loved it. Yeah, the formatting was off, but whatevs. I loved that you put the bit about scars in there. I clicked on this and went "oh man. this is gonna be a gross love scene like all the rest, between a normal boring girl and a normal boring girl". But with her cutting (I assume that's what the scars are from) I quite like it and can relate (more like I wish I had a guy who would not care and love me despite the scars from cutting)
Either way, I really like that you did that, because it makes it more interesting. I was expecting the norm, and I'm glad you proved me wrong.
Formatting seems to be an issue on this site. Did you try Copy+Paste when you published this? If so, that's probably what's throwing all this off. Recommendation: delete the copied text and upload a document, or go back through and manually edit the formatting by pressing "Delete" at the end of every line that needs to be fixed, then click "Preview" to check to see if the format redaction resolved the issue.
For the story itself, I felt two things: one, that you had a good seed of a story; two, that you didn't do what I thought you would with the story.
I felt as if the scars were the key factor (which they are), but then they're just sort of glossed over almost, as if you only want to acknowledge they're there without going into description. If you're going to give it a 16+ rating for what you have already, I'd just go with the full description of the scars. That doesn't mean you go AO graphic, but you can talk about the scars descriptively. That would definitely gel your piece a little more than it is right now.
Hope this helps!
Ay! Review time
So to start off, this is marked and it seems to be written as a short story. Because of this I'm confused at why it's formatted that way and it goes to a new line and cuts off a sentence. If that was on purpose I'd like to know why. If not, it's a bit distracting and annoying so it'd be great if you could fix it.
Nice touch. I am a personal sucker for romance, and it's little details like this that really makes it come alive.
I totally get what you mean here, but it's still a little awkward to picture.
Okay so having these on two separate lines made me think it was her speaking and then the second part was him speaking. That really confused me because it's just her speaking right? In this case "turn around" should not be on a new line, but that sort falls under my earlier question about the line breaking.
You also write in present tense, which is really good, but sometimes you slip into past tense, saying "could" instead of "can" or something like that. It's not a huge deal, but consistency is a good aim and then it will distract less from content.
I feel like this is missing something, these two clauses are contradictory and I think it should be "This may never happen..."
So I'm going back on what I said about the present tense. It's a memory so it should all be in past tense. Which actually helps, because you have her remembering and you can add so much more detail with past, of her looking back on the experience. I felt like the end fell short. You said he was gone and I was like WHAT? Where did this come from? It was fast and there was no explanation. I think this is the good start to a piece and you seem to have a good grasp on romantic scenes but it could benefit from more detail. And it could be longer. Why did they break up? What was their relationship like? What were the scars from? etc. You know what I mean. Just fill in those character gaps and you'll be so golden.
Keep writing.
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