The Chosen one

Chapter One:

The echoes in the background were faint, the conversations just murmurs all roped together barely comprehendible. The people rushing by were just a breeze as they passed me. I was too lost in my own little world, too grief-stricken to pay much attention to anything else these days. The airport, with its bright lights, escalators and conveyer belts was just a distant image in my mind, blurry and unclear. No one could possibly understand what I was going through.

“Catriona, passport please” Rory said snapping me out of my reverie. I looked up to meet the worried gaze of my older brother and the angry glare of a stern looking hostess. “Oh sorry” I mumbled at the sound of impatient coughs and grumbles behind me as I passed him my passport. I didn’t know how long Rory had been calling me but the flaming cheeks I now possessed gave me an idea that it had been several minutes. Rory took the passport from me with a slight shake of his head.

“I’m sorry” he apologized turning back to the Hostess “my sister hasn’t been herself these last few weeks, not since our parents died”.

“Oh that’s perfectly understandable” the hostess replied a little shocked but her face softened into what im sure she felt was a sympathetic look, as she turned to look at me.I turned my eyes to the ground afraid I’d break down if I looked at her as the threat of tears pricked the corner of my eyes nearly overwhelming me. “Thank you” I heard Rory say realising, with relief, we were free to go.

“Announce it to the entire airport Rory why don’t you” I growled turning on my brother once we were out of earshot. “I wouldn’t have had to say anything if you had acted like a normal human being and not like some grief-stricken zombie, it took me ten minutes just to get your attention” he replied vaguely glancing at the many signs for restaurants. I ignored the ‘grief stricken zombie” remark. “I’m sorry” I sighed heavily climbing onto the escalator “I guess I’m just a bit edgy with the flight coming up”. My head was never any good on flights, it always felt like I was on some merry go round when I was on a plane especially when it tilted to the left or right.

“Hopefully you won’t have to suffer and you’ll fall asleep” he replied. I frowned questioningly at him. “Whoever said anything about me sleeping on the flight?” I asked. He sighed” I was hoping you would, you haven’t slept much since the accident”. Of course I hadn’t slept, I saw cars careering of cliffs and bursting into flames at the bottom followed by bloodcurdling screams. Who could sleep with that taking over their mind every night? “I’ll try” I replied heavily.

“Bad dream?” He asked casually looking at me sideways referring to my sleepless night the evening before, his bright green eyes were full of concern but didn’t have the usual light in them, they were some how dead, full of grief my heart twisted with sympathy, because I knew I wasn’t the only one suffering and Rory was just putting the brave phase on for me. “Something like that” I replied looking away cursing my weakness. “Right” he replied when he realised I wasn’t going to elaborate on detail. “If there was anything bothering you, you would tell me right?” He asked looking at me seriously. “Of course I would Rory” I answered with a straight face and a smile a pang of guilt hitting me as a lied straight to his face. He nodded quietly letting the subject drop.

It was very quiet and I was standing on nothing, it was as if I was staring at the all too familiar scene as a witness on the sidelines, as if it were a movie. It was dark the stars were glittering in the sky but somehow there was an eerie glow outlining the picture and lighting the sky above me. I could hear the sea crashing against the rocky cliff face though I couldn’t see it or its angry swells. I was seeing it again; the familiar sound of an engine broke the silence and drowned out the sound of the sea. It was coming fast; the car was coming fast as if it were in a rush. The car came into view as it came flying around the corner, suddenly I was moving fast following the car behind, and then I was in the back seat. In front of me sat a beautiful woman with long red hair, bright green eyes and high cheek bones, in the driver’s seat was a handsome man with sort black hair and grey eyes. That’s when I heard her “James slow down, you’re going too fast”. She was frightened, panicked I could see it in her face, in her eyes.

“I can’t Áine they’re gaining on us” he replied. “We’ll be killed James, please slow down” She cried again. “I’d rather die than give them her” he yelled back. “But we can’t protect her if we die” she screamed back. “They won’t leave her unprotected” he replied quietly. She didn’t have the chance to reply. It happened so fast the car hit a sharp corner, the driver lost control and hit forcefully into the barrier and went straight through it. The sea came up fast to meet us I was screaming, they were screaming. The car hit a rocky ledge the metal grunted and churned, then we were falling again. The car landed on a bed of sharp rocks, flames engulfed us I could feel the heat of the fire; the bloodcurdling screams hurt my ears they were so loud. I cried covering my ears as the flames raised higher, the heat was impenetrable though it didn’t burn. I felt a pull behind my navel as if a hook had somehow caught hold of me and someone was reeling me in.

Everything was dark the car had disappeared as had the screams of my parents. Silver light illuminated where I stood. I was surrounded by mist it was pressing in on all sides. Footsteps disturbed the silence. Two shapes walked towards me. The mist cleared. I jumped back in horror as the two figures were revealed. They were disfigured by hideous burns and covered in blood, there clothes hung from them in tatters smoke still issuing from them.

“What’s the matter honey?” asked one “Don’t recognise us?” The voice was female but scratchy with smoke. “Mum?” I asked my eyes widening in horror. The face leered. “You could have saved” she jeered “but you didn’t, you let us die you ungrateful wretch”. “You could have saved us, you could have saved us” they jeered and took a step forward, I took one back. " I couldn't have i cried" I cried tears stinging my eyes. They kept repeating it over and over again forcing me back. I covered my ears, "leave me alone" i wailed "I couldn't have done anything".

“You should have saved them Catriona” said another voice, one I didn’t recognise and the figures grew silent. I looked past the ghastly figures to see a tall beautiful lady with raven black hair, pale skin and blood red lips. I would have thought she was a vampire if I didn’t know they didn’t exist. I stared at her with terrified eyes.

“Who are you?” I gasped. She smiled coldly but didn’t answer my question. “You had the power to save your parents and you didn’t, you’re alone in the world now, you killed them” she answered. “No I didn’t!” I screamed. “Yes you did and now it’s you’re turn to burn” she replied coldly. She clicked her fingers and flames came out of no where surrounding me. The figures, my parents, started to jeer again “you could have saved us”. I covered my ears and shook my head furiously “stop it” I cried as the heat began to engulf me again. There was an almighty crack beneath me, the ground suddenly the ground gave way beneath me and I was falling, falling through nothingness. I screamed.

The plane landed with a bump in Dublin airport waking me with a start. I was in a panicked frenzy. “Rory, Rory” I cried sitting up very fast and looking around me panic-stricken taking in my surroundings. “Catriona relax” I heard Rory cry and felt him grab my upper arms to turn me around to look at him. “I’m here you just had a nightmare honey” he explained calmly and pulled me to his chest in a tight hug.

“Shh” he sighed soothingly as I sobbed uncontrollably in his arms.

“Is the young lady alright?” asked a passing air hostess, what I could see of her face looked worried. “She’s fine” Rory replied tightening his grip around me to stop me from shaking. “Ok, we’re just waiting for some steps and then you can leave the plane” she answered turning on her heels to go back to the front of the plane.I got the feeling she was going to be relieved once we left the plane. “Are you ok?” Rory asked once my sobs had stopped “you’re burning up Catriona”.

“I’m fine” I replied still shaking “I just had a nightmare”.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head furiously “not really”. I hated feelin as weak as I did.

“Ok but it must have been a real nightmare for you to wake up like that” Rory frowned.

“I’m fine it just seemed very real that’s all” I answered.

Rory didn’t get a chance to reply as the sound of shuffling filled the plane and passengers started getting out. As they past some of them looked at me with raised eyebrows or murmured to one and other while still looking at me. My cheeks began to burn and I turned away trying to not look at them. The dream had really disturbed me, no not disturbed, frightened the living daylights out of me. It had been so real, so vivid. I hadn’t just seen the car accident, I had been in it, I had heard my parents for the first time in a month, I had felt their fear their pain but also their will to protect someone. The dream had raised so many questions in my mind.

Who had been after them? Who were they trying to protect? Who was the woman and why the second part of the dream? Was the second part of the dream because of the guilt i felt over their death, but if it was what had it got to do with the woman? Something inside told me that I might find the answers to these questions soon but right now all I honestly wanted to so was forget about the dream though I knew I wouldn’t be rid of it entirely.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hey there, unique lyme!

Just one thing - there's a rule here that the ratio for reviews to posts has to be 2:1. So for every post you make, you have to do 2 reviews. Therefore, why don't you browse round the forums, find a couple of pieces you like, and give them a review. That way, all's fair and dandy. :D

Another tip - you have quite big paragraphs. If you seperate them into smaller, 5 line paragraphs, more people will read them. We have lazy eyes over here. ^_^

The echoes in the background were faint, the conversations just murmurs all roped together barely comprehendible.

Comma after 'murmurs', to be grammatically correct.

Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen?

You're not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later. Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things.

One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.

Yours does have intrigue - but you need to beat around the bush less, cut down all the wording, be simple. ^_^

I had lost the two most important people in my life, my parents, to a stupid car accident, one that I had had the power to stop. Yes, I had had the power to stop it but I didn’t, it is that that nobody could possibly understand, not even my brother Rory. Why hadn’t I stopped it? Was it out of pure spite? No it wasn’t, it was out of fear. Out of fear of not being believed by anyone, of being thrown into the nearest mental institution that had stopped me. No one could possibly understand, I’m not even sure I could. I’m not even sure where this power had come from.

Whoah Whoah Whoah. You're rushing us there. All this information suddenly pours out? I think you need to slow down and dispense this twist bit by bit. I'm far too bewildered, with all these feelings and statements coming out of the narrator.

Show, Don't Tell. << Most overused writing advice ever. I hate to say it, but it's true. Here's my advice on how to how, and not tell.

:arrow: 1. Use dialogue

Dialogue allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were there. Instead of telling the reader your mom was angry, they can hear it for themselves:

“Justin Michael,” Mom bellowed, “Get in here this instant!”

Dialogue can give your reader a great deal about character, emotion and mood.

:arrow: 2. Use sensory language

In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.

:arrow: 3. Be descriptive

Being descriptive is more than just inserting a string of descriptive words. It’s carefully choosing the right words and using them sparingly to convey your meaning.


Telling: He sits on the couch holding his guitar.

There’s nothing wrong with that sentence. It gives the reader some basic information, but it doesn’t create an image. Compare that sentence with this:

Showing: His eyes are closed, and he’s cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover. It’s as if he’s trying to hold on to something that wants to let go.

The second example takes that basic information and paints a picture with it. It also uses figurative language—in this case, the simile “cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover”—to help create an image.

When using description, it’s important not to overdo it. Otherwise, you can end up with what I call “police blotter” description. For example:

He was tall, with brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a red shirt and jeans, and a brown leather jacket.

:arrow: 4. Be specific, not vague

Instead of writing, “I had never felt anything like it before in my entire life,” take the time to try and describe what that feeling was, and then decide how best to convey that feeling to the reader. Your readers will thank you for it.



I think you have a very good, strong start here. Nice details, if not a bit rushed. It intrigues me and I'll look out for updates.

Good luck.

Sarah

xxx



Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind