Allabis of Seconhand Narcotics

Very interesting title, it's what first attracted me.

I think Mars covered everything I could possibly critique, except that "white as snow" is a cliche that tends to bother me.

What I love about this is how it gets a message about drugs across without being preachy. It's much more powerful than the cast of Saved By the Bell telling me that "crack is whack".

This piece definitely leaves its mark. It raw and uncensored, and doesn't sugar coat whatsoever. Your format was different than the norm and therefore made all the more interesting to read. This poem definitely strikes close to the heart with powerful emotions.

'Tis spelt Alibi, and you typoed second-hand, hehe, just a nitpick.

It's very rich. Alive.

My first issue: Yikes, you sentences are long. They just run on and on and on... You need to break 'em up. Read it aloud. Right now it just runs in on itself, and that's not good. Once or twice it's very effective, like 'the bags and the pies and the...' etc, very... lists it off like it';s all so mundane. Good.

Your word choices are spectacular, though. And i like the way you set it out, somehow.

I was very impressed by this:

All of a sudden everyone else embraces the ground you walk upon just because you can alter the universe.

Hello!

You certainly have a way with words, and the way this is set up makes me wonder if you've done prose? If so, I'd like to read it. There are a few mistakes though, which I'll bold:

xxloveisthemovementxx wrote:The street lights flicker in the midnight-black parking lot, the cement correlates with a thousand pairs of bloodshot eyes. This powder, as white as snow, softly whispers in your ear, (I like this part, but I'd like it better if the 'dripping lust' was another sentence and you told us what the drugs actually whisper. Even something as short as 'whispers promises in your ear' would suffice) dripping lust into every pore of your body. You pick up the cracks and the pipesand the bags and the lighters and with one deep, exhilerating inhale, your whole stratosphere of being is changed.

You feel like you can fly. You feel like you're invincible. Like you can jump into the sky and swallow the sun. All of a sudden, everyone [s]else[/s] embraces the ground you walk upon just because you can alter the universe.

If you have no foundation to call home you will only be victimized by a dead-end accusation. (I'm not sure what this sentence means? I get the first part but what's the 'dead-end accusation?') You can't alter a universe that only lives to destroy yours. This chemical substance you call heaven slowly eats you alive until there's nothing left.

Everything they're telling you is wrong. Won't you walk away from the parking lot? Put down the lighters, cracks, pipes, and bags- every delusion, just open your eyes and see that you're alive already. (I added the 'already' because I thought it would make for a stronger impact; feel free to disregard it ^^)