Published January 22, 2011
A life lost in limbo, drowns in the past
Dreams become nightmares, no hope in our flesh,
When truths become lies and changes hold fast
Our machine crashes and our heartbeats don't mesh.
Confusion swims through my system of veins,
Tears like a child bring Trembling knees,
Terrified warning signs hang in my brains.
My choices now fade like colorless leaves.
Sightless eyes stare at smileless others
Killing hope that lived in hopeful wonder.
Love belongs between children and mothers.
Why does this pressure pound just like thunder?
My soul falls to pieces in this weather,
While we drift apart like bird and feather.
The fourth line is supposed to have eleven sylables to show that the words don't mesh just like the heartbeats.
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141,712 Literary Works • 675,600 Reviews
Wow! This is an amazing piece filled with emotion and metaphorical images. My only complaint is that you don't vary your punctuation enough. Try using a semi-clom is some lines, I would of placed one in the first line instead of the comma, making it 'Dreams become nightmares; no hope in our flesh'. It's wierd how varying your punctuation can change your poem more exciting.
This is an amazing and strong ending which really closed the poem.
Keep writing! This poem is BRILLIANT!!!
This is a very interesting poem. You effortlessly develop the feeling of the poem. One thing I am not sure I like, however, is the rhyming pattern. When a poem contains lines as long as this, rhyming becomes less and less meaningful, and in fact sometimes becomes a nuisance. Other than that, very nice job.
Okay, one more thing I noticed on this second read-through: why does the rhyming pattern change around at the end? It goes from ABAB to ABACB to ABCABDD. It is pretty confusing. Pick one rhyming pattern and stick with it.
As always, keep on writing.
I liked this. Some things that I would change, though, would be: First line, get rid of first comma. Same goes for second to last line--the comma at the end serves no purpose. This showed great emotion. It was very enjoyable and interesting. Keep writing!