I shout in inane, as if it’s my only metier
My halo turning creepy red
The First Essence made me a peddler
Were I mercilessly sky wrecked?
In these death pangs I found my inner crook,
My moldy wings lost lovely mien
My dauntless highness turned to mook
Crucifix of mine, it swells in rain.
My Luminaries brought slander in my life
They said: I lied above the skies
I poisoned my existence with deadly strife
The crimson trickle down my eyes.
I was a trait? Or traitor in the core of accusation
They named me Heretic
Lustrous laurel loomed over my appellation.
My celestial sinews were cricked.
The fateful trial found its rise in the name of my majesty
A deadly sentence lulled me to sleep
Was it a time to bury only-begotten chastity?
My honor turned cheap.
I was deprived of pneumatic force
Disgust of wrecks was lost
Empyrean tendons were rotting near mortal bones
I’d like to stay, at every cost.
My shoulders are turning tainted in nimbus-sap
Conviction for unwitnessed atrocity
Some highness banished me from Paradise
The mark of Cain lay on my sanity.
My holla answered with thundering applause
«The justice comes to this corrupted land!»
My lover Mary made faux pas
In sinful lake, she hadn’t lent me hand.
I should atone my soul in trade of nonsense?
My second birth was damned today
I’m forced to sit on Great white throne, heaven choir comes in dense.
Today the bar of high must go away.
My holy voice is getting numb,
My seraphic heart is slacking now.
These are plucky words, but they are dumb
Or am I a coward in this case? Don’t know
“Would someone pay attention to horrific nightmare?”
My sufferings are being vain.
The skies trampled me with care
I feel the pain, inside my chest and brain.
Refugee among the broken lies
I wasn’t culprit, I was godlessly devoted
My worship now – my only cries
The faith from depths are getting roped
My second come – is my wet cross
Poor virginal, clean-handed holy angel
I’m trapped inside wolf’s claws
All glances in the pure zone are disdainful
My veins are stuck with kiss of Judas
Heartbeat is bitter tremble
I took a mask, wore broken wings
I was a traitor, I was oath-breaker
My celestial well-being was just a loud confess
I’m not adored, I am backslider
I showed no veneration to anyone in race
My God is phantom, my faith is death rider
I was a traitor, my anathema – my only wraith
My solitude is destiny, I’m in a waning cage of rage
The Everlastings, I am martyr of scathe!
I’ve betrayed heaven, I am blasphemous mess!
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Hi there, xxxadklll! I'm going to be reviewing for you today with the YWS Critique Sandwich review template! You’re totally welcome to use it too! The basic idea is that the review starts with what worked well, then gives some suggestions for improvement, and then ends with overall impressions.
Top Bread - What I Liked
First, I really like the dramatic atmosphere you create! Lines like "My moldy wings lost lovely mien" and "Some highness banished me from Paradise" give the poem, for me, a very grand feeling. The narrator feels like someone who has been cast down from something divine, fittingly for the fallen angel imagery, and that gives the whole poem a strong sense of tragedy. I love how archaic everything seems to be!
Another thing I enjoyed was the intensity of the narrative voice. Your poem feels very emotional and theatrical, so I especially liked the repeated idea of being called a traitor or heretic because it makes the narrator seem trapped between defending themself and somewhat believing the accusations. That inner conflict is interesting and gives the poem energy! I think it adds to the 'fallen' aspect of their fallen angelhood.
Meat - Where You Can Improve
My first suggestion would be to simplify some of the wording. You have a lot of powerful vocabulary, which can be a strength, but sometimes there are so many rare words close together that the meaning becomes hard to follow. For example, phrases like "pneumatic force," "Empyrean tendons," and "nimbus-sap" all sound very cool, but I wasn’t always sure what image or feeling I was meant to take from them. Like, what does that all mean in human terms? You don’t need to remove the dramatic language completely, but maybe choose the strongest images and give them more wiggle room.
My other suggestion is to watch grammar and phrasing. There are a few places where the poem sounds unnatural, such as "Were I mercilessly sky wrecked?" -- I can understand the general feeling, but the exact meaning gets blurry for me. Since your poem already has a mostly symbolic style, clearer grammar would help images stay grounded! I don't know if you intentionally want the syntax to be that way, since it adds to the old-fashioned vibe of the poem, but you could consider making lines more precise!
Of course, these are just my opinions, so feel free to take or leave whatever is useful!
Bottom Bread - Overall Impressions
My interpretation is that this poem is about a narrator who sees themself as a fallen holy figure, someone accused of betrayal and cast out from a divine place. This could be seen as literal, but my thoughts are that it is more symbolic of someone who feels alone/out of place in a society or culture they exist within. My first thought was someone in a religious environment who is not themselves religious. I thought this because of the way you explore guilt and the pain of being judged by someone higher than the self.
Overall, I think this is a very ambitious poem! I'm really in awe at your ability to keep the same voice consistent throughout the whole poem! My main advice would be to trim/clarify some of the more complicated phrasing. Keep writing! ^-^
Aislynn <3
hi!!! thank you so much for such a detailed review! your critique being really fair, I know it myself((
Good day/afternoon/night to you, dear stranger. I have to say, this is quite a unique poem. What did he do to be punished like that? Did he really deserve to be cast away?
he's in-denial at first but ended up acknowledging his sins; discrimination, blasphemy, wrath, and sacrilege or more!The way you described his downfall is agonizingly beautiful. I could almost see him falling from the sky with red halo and bloodied eyes. How his wings began to mold and his body began to rot.
I wonder what that l feels like, would it his skin burn from the open wound and warm blood? Would the pain be so intense he'll pass out mid-air? Or will the infection spread wide and numb all the pain instead?
From what I understand , it might have been the last one AFTER getting through the first two.
By the end of the poem, my questions earlier had been answered and this might be my favorite part too.
The only issues I found (or maybe it's just a fault on my side) is how it's hard to follow sometimes and there's almost no room to breathe. BUT actually in this case it works because the narrator is facing his downfall, no one is expected to be calm in that situation.
All in all, it's quite a read and has lots of vivid imagery involved. Keep up the good work! ^^
hi! thank you so much for this review! I’m so into the way you approached this piece with the almost physical sense. it was a huge part I’ve laid in this, so I’m really glad that was the thing you’ve noticed!