Please take in mind that what you read italics/underlined is basically whatever
you infer. Her memories, her past, anything really its all up to the reader. P.s. I recommend listening to sakura sakura by rin while reading this.
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Cherry blossom
She woke up. The light blinding her eyes. She slowly rose from her bed, and made
her way towards the shower.As she turned the shower on she felt how the almost
burning hot water felt as cool as ice on her pale white skin.
She gripped her head tightly. This couldn’t be happening, they couldn’t be dead
they just couldn’t. But the crimson red blood stains lying on the crosswalk
beneath her begged to differ. The rain now, the rain she had always felt as
refreshing and inviting now felt like it had been burning her skin-deep into her
flesh.
She stepped quickly and quietly into her uniform. She adjusted her gray
skirt, pale shirt and put her yellow vest on. Her brown shoes slightly
uncomfortable.
She stared oddly at the new garment that had been left by her bed. The white
dress didn’t exactly seem to complement her so pale figure instead making her
almost blend with the pure white halls.didnt these people like color. At all? Her
flat white shoes made her outfit complete as she stared at herself on the mirror
feeling now fully complete, maybe now shed fit in better.
She stared at the steam covered mirror.She had no need to wipe the steam off the
mirror. She knew perfectly well what she would see. She tied a white broach on her
hair, ran down the stairs, grabbed her backpack and was off.
Her loose ponytail containing what her brown hair, what little color her outfit
had. what a pain was all she thought as she stare at her bland figure on the
mirrors of hue co mundo,whatd she give to have something bright and energetic to
brighten up her outfit like …teal hair a bit too familiar to someone she knew.
The walks to school were boring, she always knew it, but she always loved to stop
and breathe in the newly autumn air. The sounds of cheerful kids laughing around
in the parks filled her mind which had been long since spaced out.
“Does this place have any light?” she asked staring at the single moon that
seemed to lighten up the entire place. Of course her companion at the time didn’t
seem too disturbed by this fact. He just mumbled something shrugging it off.”Oh
come on grimmjow don’t you think it’s the tiniest bit odd?” of course this
didn’t have any difference on the man.
As the school day went by, she just was staring mindlessly out the window, then the
clock, the window, the board and repeat. Nothing interesting happened nowadays.
“teach me how to fight” “no” was his simple response, as bland as it looks
like.” why not?”...utter silence filled the room.” you woulnt be able to.” The girl
stood there in disbelief” What do you mean?” “when you fight, you fight with a
will, to protect someone, to rescue someone…” the thought left just as he did
walking out the door, she had a feeling shed never find out how the sentence
ended, but she didn’t care much she had other important things to think of right
now, such as finding out were the espadas kept their weapons.
She let her head plop down on her desk.
“oy you okay?” she looked up to see a far too familiar red-head standing in front
of her.”fine renji”he kicked the classroom door open”time for lunch”
“well I have to admit you’ve gotten better at fighting lately” “ you think so
grimmy” his eyebrow twitched.”maybe one day ill get to be an espada”the girl
said while staring off into the moon.he just snickered”yeah maybe”
She sat there.surrounded by all her friends and classmates alike,all just
relaxing and eating under the shade of a nearby tree.A all too familiar woman
came up to her and brought her out of her thoughts.”hi orihime” she said as
politely as possible while rubing her eyes.”mio-chan are you okay?” asked the
bubbly girl.”just fine orihime-san”
Red…red stained the floor.red covered the walls.pirecing screams could be heard
all over.this wasn’t supposed to be happening.and then right then infront of her
stood the sexta espada ,grimmjow,.”grimmjoww please stop” she asked panic
stricken she herself not hurt tho wondering what had happned.had all the other
espada done this?had a soul reaper come here?
But deep down something still bothered her.She slowly got up and walked towards
a cherry blossom tree.
He flunged toward her,and all in one he was at the other side of the room she
had been left to grip the small get deep cut on her arm now left by the one
person who after all this time had taught her how to fight,had laughed along
with her,who she had trusted the most.she feel on her knees,her body all over
shacking the cut burning she felt so helpless at the time,she couldn’t do
anything”please don’t”she managed to say in between sobs.then the especial
tealed haired man flung towared her “when you fight,you fight with a will,to
protect someone,to rescue someone or to avenge someone.”,then all in one
white..taht was all she could see,she was glad…hueco mundo had finally gotten
brighter.
The brown haired woman tucked back a piece of her hair,as she let her arm drop
if you looked at a right angle you could see right then and there…a scar in the
middle of her arm that looked nothing more than something one couldve gotten in
a cooking accident.the sun warmed her face as she stood leaning against the
cherry blossom tree.
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Disclaimer: I do not own bleach or any characters mentioned in here that are
from bleach,althought I do own mio akane,the one that I made up in my mind
anyway.i don’t own the song sakura sakura it is by rin
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hi,
xxRoseMoonxx,
Mailice here with a short review!
An interestingly constructed short story with an exciting plot thread that gives the reader some good moments of interpretation, and in doing so you manage to put the characters and also the plot in a different light without it somehow being intentional on your part. In this way you give the reader the possibility to direct the story as you want it to be. It's like sitting in your car, where I'm allowed to steer. I think this has a very positive effect and I also think that it has given the story a lot more depth.
Another thing I noticed was that some characters just appear without much background knowledge, which leads to me as a reader standing there a bit trying to make sense of why they are acting exactly as stated. I would just try to be a bit more detailed there.
One thing I noticed while reading:
I've picked out the beginning as an example because you have this problem more often throughout the story; you repeat yourself very often in your choice of words and I think you could try to improve a bit by not writing something so directly, but by describing it using different words or paraphrasing it so that the reader understandably still knows what exactly it's about. Here, in this case, you are very direct and you repeat yourself with "the shower". You could start the next sentence with the cold or warm water, etc... to present it in a more veiled way.
In general, I like the way the story is structured, especially because it leaves room for interpretation. I only just noticed now, that this is also a fanfiction, so I´m sorry if I mentioned something about some character. I don´t know Bleach.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hello xxRoseMoonxx,
I'm here for a RevMo2020 review. Just a warning, this will be a longer review. Feel free to take or leave any of the suggestions in the review. There was a bunch of stuff I wanted to bring up, so I split everything into sections. (I hope it'll be easier to read this way!)
Grammar
Your fan-fic was filled with grammar mistakes which made it harder to read. I was constantly getting lost and I had to try figure out what was going on. I won't be pointing out ALL the grammar mistakes, just the major ones. I strongly suggest reading through your story again and just fix things as you go along.
Here she says "does this place have any light?" implying that there is no light where she is. But then right after, it says the moon lights up the entire place. So which is it? Also saying "single moon" is confusing because we only have one moon, your implying that there's more. Unless of course there are more on her planet.
I noticed that in a lot of places where you have dialogue you don't always specify who is speaking. Which makes it confusing and the reader will might get mixed up and end up thinking the main character is being extremely rude or something. To stop this kind of confusion, when a new person starts speaking start it on a new line. Also, don't forget quotation marks! It helps the reader know when one person starts and ends speaking.
This is one of the places that I got lost in. "just as he did walking out the door," This is just a weird way to word it. What you could say is "as he walked out the door." Also one thing to note here, I put a period. This way it keeps it all in one thought and breaks it apart from the rest. You made the same mistake in multiple places, yet again, I suggest proof reading your work, it is EXTREMELY important to do!
Always put a capital at the beginning of a name! This is just one example, you forgot a capital in all the names in the story.
Story line
Overall, your story line was nice, I understood where it was going most of the time. But the underlined parts in the story is where I got confused/lost. I liked the effect of having her going to school, but then having her reflect on what had happened. Now that goes to say, the underlined parts were still all over the place. There was no real rhyme or reason behind anything. But then again, I would have to watch "Bleach" to understand everything that's going on. It would've been cool to have the underlined parts about her reflecting on the death of her parents and what had all happened in the past as she went about her day at school.
Overall
Overall, I think this story was good. There's a lot of potential in it and with some editing it would be a really good story! But please don't forget the most important rule! PROOF-READ! It helps a lot and will help you become better at writing!
I really hope this review was helpful, I also hope that I wasn't being to harsh. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
Stellarjay