Published July 1, 2010
Castle Of Clouds;;
When I first met you, I wasnt so sure.
You seemed like a little bit of a bore.
That was before, of course,
you promised me a castle of clouds.
Like sheep and icecream cones.
The sheep that bleats and moans.
Dreams filling the air,
the strong winds in my hair.
Being inside of a cloud can be a rush,
the smell of cotton candy and sweet smiles so lush.
You promised me that you and I could run away,
The world would have to take the price and pay,
Of my sweet "angel" face to dissapear,
from the world's dark empty sphere.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,622 Literary Works • 673,562 Reviews
Hi!
I hate to say it, but what I thought when I read through this was "Twilight". It's an over-used concept, and frankly, there's very little to it.
What you could do to make an improvement is flesh out the characters a bit. Give them flaws, emotions other than just the intense and overpowering love that has never been felt between two individuals the way they feel it. I know you never said that, but it was sort of implied, and it's not working for me. The suggestion that the love between one couple is superior to any other love felt before is preposterous, and there's no way it could be realistic. Every couple has problems, because every person has flaws. Of course, you haven't gone for the typical "love at first sight" approach, so kudos to you.
Your rhyming, especially at the start, is a little forced and could really do with some work. I won't go into too much detail here, but maybe it would be a better poem as freeform.
Now, my greatest nitpick is the middle stanza. It's a description of a cloud - but an idealistic view of clouds. See, clouds can be white, they can be grey, occassionally almost black. They produce rain, they come in different shapes and sizes. They insulate the Earth, trapping the sun's rays and reflecting them back down to keep us warm. If you're playing with the metonym of clouds, you should really play with it more. There's a lot that can be done to improve this.
I'm sorry I can't be more positive. I'm not a romantic, so I'm not the best person to see the positives you have here. But I would quite like it if it seemed a little more... human. I hope I helped, all the same. If there's anything else I can help with, please feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to give you a hand.
~Grin
Hey,
What we have here, for me, is a standard love poem.
Excuse me whilst I vomit.
It isn't the best, but it isn't the worst.
It's hard to give advice on these due to the fact that they're so many of them and it is hard to show an improvement.
My advice would be to try and find a different genre or really work at trying to make this one work.
PM for anything.
~Retro Disco666