Published July 11, 2009
Summer Romance!
Every girl dreams about having a summer romance once in their lives as a teenage girl. Well, the summer before going into my freshman year of high school was when i got lucky and had my summer romance that i have been wanting more than having big boobs, a car or going to a great college for nursing. i know that he is only going into eighth grade, which made my friends tell me that i seem desperate, and i told them that they could say all they want about me going out with an eighth grader but its not going to change how i feel about him.
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139,660 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well I kind of have to say as it stand at the moment this one is a little bit of a mess here. Even though it is quite short at the moment, the thoughts being thrown about are so scattered it feels like its a lot longer. What we have here at the moment seems to be much more of a collection of sort of what you would like to see in this story as opposed to an actual story.
Now despite that, there is still some salvageable parts of this here, there's definitely a few interesting plot lines to be explored amongst all this that can work the classic idea of a summer romance and perhaps even twist it up a little. However of course for this potential to actually be realized and for this to actually work as a story on its own this needs a lot more work.
While there's certainly stories I have seen that work even being only about this long, this really doesn't quite work and if you want to try and make this actually effective I would suggest you take the groundwork that has been laid here and try and scale it up quite a bit more and add an actual plot into the mix.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This could be good, but only if you expand it properly. Sure, you've got a good begining paragraph, and you seem to have a great voice from what you gave us, but I want to know how far you can take that, how much you're willing to push yourself. The basis is there. Your theme is there. It's like building a house. You've got your foundation poured, but you can't live on a big piece of stone. You need walls, a roof, insulation, furniture, etc. So overall, this is a good start. Is there more?
-youreit
P.S. Sorry if I was a bit harsh!
Over all- I really liked it. I think it would be a very good begining. Are you continuing with it? If you are I will be so happy to read it!!!
Please write more! Jessie.
This looks like the start of something, from what I can infer. Just a few details that I feel need to be tweaked...
This is a bit repetitive. You can eliminate the entire phrase at the end of the sentence, and just leave...
Woah. Run-on sentence. Include a period after lucky. You also need to capitalize your 'I's.
Another run-on sentence. You also get a bit repetitive when you mention the word 'tell' more than once so close together. You also alternate between tenses throughout this entire excerpt, which is a bit confusing. Are you talking in the present or the past tense?
Is this the beginning of something, or is this where it ends? This excerpt has the opportunity to grow into a short story, or even more than that.
Hi, I kind of recommend you go over this yourself and at least find some of the grammar or spelling mistakes on your own. Capitalize your eyes, that's something you do quite often throughout this short piece. I won't point them out.
After lucky, place a period. It's one sentence, and lose the and had. Then try it out like this: I got that summer romance that I have been wanting more than having big boobs, a car, or going to a great college for nursing. See much better.
Other than that, I'm not sure what this piece is all about. Is it the first part to a novel or something other?