Your words are like lethal weapons;
Sharp and piercing through my heart.
Like a newly whetted knife
Or a dagger glinting in the dark.
Your appearance betrays what you speak;
All innocent yet attractive
But your method of speech
Is so cruel and offensive.
It's hard for me to identify
Your objective when you retort
To every word I say
So I hope you'd just stop.
It pains me to listen to your reprovals
About my natural imperfections.
I'd just sit there foolishly
Listening to your actions.
I'm glad you no longer exist
Thanks to the successful execution.
Now I'm as free as a bird
And no longer have to listen to your criticisms.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,828 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Your first poem? It looks to me like you've written poetry before
bravo, Lisa! Magnificent and beautiful 
Just revise and edit like others have mentioned.
I enjoyed reading this
Thank you ^_^
Hai Lisa, Laure here for a review! You see, I'm no master at poetry and is being, ages since I've reviewed one, so this is going to be pretty brief. Because I don't know how poetry works as much as I do with novels, so I won't comment on the technical things and focus on the content. First off, before I say anything. Taken into account that this is your first poem by someone your age, it is rather impressive but now. I'm still going to have to
rip it apartreview it.This is how I read the first two lines -> cliché. I liked the third line however I think that third line should have been swapped with the second line. The third line also contradicts your first line, 'lethal weapons' meaning that there is more than one. Maybe I'm being pedantic here, but I like it better when everything in a poem connects together and fits in like a puzzle.
The great thing about poetry is, nothing is ever set in stone. That's the beauty of poetry, especially when you've chosen to write this in free-verse so I can only offer you opinions. I think that a poem, should express different things so try and avoid using the same word in the poem twice and especially using it so close to each other. Like how you've used so above.
Once again, cliché. Just try and avoid cliché in poems, is as bad as it is in any other form of writing so just avoid it. Using cliché only makes your poem seem very stereotype and like what everyone will write. You want to add your own special touch to it. What I really want to say here is once again, with poetry, especially with poetry you can do so so much imagery. I think that this poem has a lot of potential, but I think it has been written to literally as in everything has been stated out instead of showing it to us. If you've used more imagery, more figurative language I think what you wanted to convey would be much more dynamic, much more powerful and we can connect with it more as readers.
Hope I wasn't too harsh.
-Laure
Thank you for the review ^-^
Since this was my first poem, I don't think it was that much of a good start ._. But I respect your advice, and I would try to improve on my next one. I don't think there'll be any more poems coming from me, though. ._.
Unless I'd have a really good idea like this one.
-Lisa
I definitely think it is a good start. It has something there, considering it is personal. It has a meaning. One thing I would improve on, is that it's maybe a little...specific? That's not the right word. I don't know how to put it. But maybe focus less on the actual words, and maybe focus on writing from your heart. Be passionate. I am not saying this isn't from your heart, I am sure it is considering it's personal, but maybe let it flow more. Sorry I am having a hard time explaining what I mean. I hope this makes a little sense c:
All right. Thank you for the advice!
congratulation your poem is so amazing and deep . I hope that you are doing well now if you need a friend to talk to I am honnored to be this friend
Wow. Oh my God, that was really good for your first poem! You show great potential in poetry, especially considering that this first one is so awesome.
First of all, I just loved the sincerity in your words. The honesty in every word written down. The reader can totally relate to the narrator of the poetry-- the anger, the disappointment, the sadness. It just pierces through the readers heart.
I just love a few parts of the poem, like :
"Your words are like lethal weapons;
Sharp and piercing through my heart.
Like a newly whetted knife
Or a dagger glinting in the dark. "
And:
" Now I'm as free as a bird
And no longer have to listen to your criticisms. "
The imagery is perfect. And the fact everything rhymes? Beautiful.
I'm not one to point out mistakes in poetry, I am completely inexperienced in the genre. For me, this is an amazing work. This needs to be in the spotlight!
~Brunnera
Thank you so so much for the nice review! ^-^ I'm glad you enjoy it. I'm inexperienced in poetry too but I guess this might be a good start? Haha. x3
I'm glad you liked it.
-Lisa
This was a very... unique poem. I really liked the imagery in it. It's apparent that you wrote this while going through tough times. I also like the ending in that it's very interpretive, as you write about a "successful execution" and how the person this poem is addressed to no longer exists. It leaves it up to the reader to decide what's actually going on and who was executed. I like how the entire poem is in second person. It makes the poem feel more personal, and it overall more effectively gets your message across. Everything considered, this was a very nice poem, especially considering this was your first attempt at poetry.
Thank you.
I'm really happy that you enjoyed it.