18+ Language Mature Content

Nights of New York- Prologue

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

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Beyond the skyscrapers and buildings and the time-consuming traffic, the dark alleys of New York are less feared. A brief walk pass the back alleys of flats and townhouses, one could hear the scampering of rodents and the lighting of cigarettes. In these alleys gather a group of criminals, often charged for rape, murder, and theft. 

These criminals lack interest in men, but their attention to young females are triggered easily. Albeit the beauty of most women are not naturally possessed, these men care nothing for that. They seek the pleasure they fantasize, the dream of intercourse they so sexually desire. 

A fortnight ago, Leila walked home alone. Her sleek long hair swished back and forth with every clunk of her heels against the stone pavement. Posture on point, she wore a collared shirt with a matching pencil skirt, and a Prada in her grasp; the common look of a businesswoman. Her dark skin glowed under the lamp posts along the sidewalk, the only black present in the street.

Damn it,” she muttered under her breath, the disappointment clearly shown in her eyes. The sign that indicated a path blockage stood a few feet ahead of her. She understood that she would have to take the back route to her flat: the route she dreaded the most.

One last sigh, Leila turned her back to the sign and recollected her steps. Taking a left turn from the last junction, she found herself amidst the darkness that enveloped the alley.

It was no mistake that it was the back alley of her flat. The run-down walls of the two buildings sprayed with graffiti, the peeling of paint of overflowing dumpsters, and the jittering of air-conditioners could only express the backdrop of a horror movie.

Leila took slow, steady steps forward, eyeing the stairway that led to her door on the second floor. She progressed cautiously, alert to the sounds of squeaking rats and hissing cats. She was already nearing the dead end of the alley, the stairs only a few feet away from her…

Look what we’ve got,” a male voiced out from a dark corner of the alley, followed by a snicker from another.

Her back to the first flight of steps, she glanced around. The dim lamp post allowing the least of her peripheral vision seemed to put her in the most vulnerable position.

W-what do you want?” She winced as she gripped the iron handrail, the rust biting into her flesh. The loudness of her voice died down in the last few words, her fear understandable by all.

A group of men emerged from their shadows, all advancing towards her. She was cornered, a useless bitch who feared to even run.

You fucking know what we want, you little pussy,” the one on the left said and sneered.

At that point, Leila could see their faces clearly. She was surrounded by all five of them, and there was no way of escaping. There were three whites and two blacks, all with a strong build. They each wore tank tops and beanies, a cigarette between their fingers.

Wut’s yer name?” the one with the gold tooth asked and spat on the ground next to her.

Y’ know blacks are f’cking hard to find these days, ‘specially in York,” the white on her left.

I hear they’re the best when it comes to pleasing us, f’cking white chicks got nothing on ‘em,”

C’mon wut’s yer fucking name?!” Gold Tooth.

V-vienna,” she answered.

A smirk came from her right. “This bitch’s a f’cking liar. She ain’t blinking her goddamn eyes.”

What’s yer fucking name?!” Gold Tooth grabbed her by the collar.

Woah, woah, slow down bastard, don’t hurt mah prize.” The man from the corner earlier.

It’s Vienna.” Faint but firm.

The men exchanged glances.

So, Vienna, innit?” the black sounded.

Without given time to answer, her vision blurred as a hand covered her mouth from behind and the last thing she felt was a firm grasp on her breast.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Brunnera
Review

Hey there! Le Brunnera is here to review as you requested. First off, I love the title-- it has some sort of feminine touch, and indicates mystery underneath the glaring and bustling life of New York city.

I'm just speechless by the flawless imagery, alright? It takes me from my original image of sky-high towers and blinding city lights to the depths of the dark corners of the beautiful city, where decay and depression conquers the atmosphere.

The details going in to describe the dark parts of town, from "the scampering of rodents" to "the dream of intercourse" that the criminals oh-so desire, were simply masterful. Amazing...just, wow. There's no other or better way to describe how well you've put the imagery down.

I like how you've purposely altered the spelling in the criminals' dialogue. It gives the reader a good idea of how they talk, of their accent and of their selection of words. The limit of their vocabulary and the vulgar way of pronunciation is enough to make a female reader (who can relate to Leila) cringe, wince, and have alarm and fear rise up in their chest.

The only parts which I would consider changing are:

" Her sleek long hair [swished] back and forth with every [clunk] of her heels against the stone pavement. "

The word "swished" reminds me of liquid, so I'd use the word "swayed", whereas "clunk" is a term commonly used for objects made of metal, and usually, for high heels, the term for it is "click". Besides these, your paragraphs were flawless.

Also, the touch of racial identity is fitting with your story. Usually I don't like a story where the race is sensitively involved, but yours is an exception.

You really are pro at what you do! I'm so jelly. My writing isn't as well-accepted by people as yours. Keep doing what you're doing :D

~Brunnera

Ermergerddd this made me so happy x) Thank you for the kind review! I do have to say that I agree with the clunking of heels thing. I totally forgot about click! Sorry x0 I'll try my best next time and watch out for these errors.
-Lisa

User avatar
EscaSkye
Review

I cringed while reading this - not because it was bad, but because I felt for Leila. I never found myself in this type of situation, and hopefully never will, but I could imagine her horror when she realized what was going to happen to her. I'm hoping, if anything were to happen (well, most certainly, things will happen), that they only rape her and not kill her afterwards. Rape isn't good, but I'd certainly feel a tiny bit better knowing that she'd still be alive even after the terrible ordeal. Oh man... that last line just makes my blood run cold. This is very good. It means you got me to feel for the character a lot. It also means that you managed to send the scene to me clearly. Good job!

Now, for things you could improve on, I don't think I spotted much. It's just that I think you could edit your dialogue tags to make them feel more natural. It's a bit awkward to read the dialogue, then all of a sudden be pointed to who the speaker was, not knowing how they said it or what they were doing while saying it. I mean it in a sense that maybe the character was saying it through gritted teeth, taking a whiff of the cigarette smoke, etc. It isn't a deal breaker by any means, I mean, I got what you meant just fine. It's just that maybe you could tweak it up a little.

Here's a tiny nitpick too:

Her dark skin glowed under the lamp posts along the sidewalk, the only black present in the street.

I feel it might be better if it was two different sentences. It could emphasize the point that she was the only black present there more.

All in all, this is a hooking beginning! I wonder if the story would continue to include Leila or if she'd be presented as possibly one of many unfortunate victims of these criminals who gather in the alley. It seems like the latter thing I said would be the case though. Again, good job! Keep writing!

Thank you! It's been a long while since I've last written a story, this one is from being away for two months, almost three in think. I'll watch out for my dialogue errors, I do agree it's quite abrupt and short. I'll do my best next time! :)

-Lisa

User avatar
Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review · Thu Oct 02, 2014 5:36 am

Hello! I like the title of your story, it's really catchy. :)

Beyond the skyscrapers and buildings and the time-consuming traffic, the dark alleys of New York are less feared.

From the way you describe the alleys after this sentence, shouldn't they be more feared?

These criminals lack interest in men, but their attention to young females are triggered easily.

Their attention to young females is triggered easily.

You wrote a great description of Leila, her outfit was easy to imagine.

...her fear understandable by all.

It certainly is! You've got me feeling scared for her. Eek!

Well you definitely ended it on a cliffhanger. Let me know when you write the next part!

Thank you for the kind review! :) I didn't notice that first grammatical error apparently. Thanks for pointing it out! I'll be more careful next time.
-Lisa



Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said