I'm shaking inside, its so intense
I'm killed by all of the silent suspense.
the night overpowers my natural defense,
screams and cry's are very immense.
I'm taken by my mind, it controls me now
for i am not me but yet somehow
i see what i could be if i allow
if i allow i need to answer how.
my dreams overpower my state of mind
the darkness and mystery is now combined.
the strength makes me weak, how i wish i could rewind
all I've said and done that i have laid behind.
i cannot open that last door you see,
hear me out and you'll surely agree.
who knows what lays behind, ill guarantee,
its nothing that you'll ever wish to feed.
i wake up to the shadows around,
i really hope that i will be found.
if i am not i can think of the worst to be drowned
by my fears and tears of whats under the ground.
the rain starts up and i hear the drops
it continues on and on, its almost non stop.
i sit here on my bed and the door opens with a pop,
revealing something i cannot swap.
the eyes watch me almost never moving
i hide in fear as I'm removing
the horrid thoughts of proving
something was always disapproving.
do you think of me as weak?
or have i always been unique?
i do not know as i walk in a creek
thinking of the time i heard your shriek.
it doesn't go away, it never leaves
the thoughts of the horrible day involving thieves.
i swear i saw something of the sixth sense yet no one believes.
how many unwanted things i receive.
so who am i now, can you tell by my eyes
how many times i sat up with cries.
i don't get many wise surprises
but once when the sun should finally arise.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi,
Sorry, but I did not like this very much at all.
The rhyme scheme is a little fractured and not in the effective intentional way. Some of the rhymes you chose were forced and irrelevant such as cries, eyes, wise surprises. I understand that rhyming is sometimes difficult but these were easy rhymes and you didn't make the most of them.
Also I think poetry should be capitalised on each line- just a reminder!
However, I do understand the theme and where you were coming from but it could have been executed better. There were elements of skill such as "my dreams overpower my state of mind" but this was very rare, almost ruined by the simple lines like "screams and cry's are very immense" < it seemed here as if the very was added just because.
It needs a little work, but thanks for sharing! It's always positive to get reviews and i mean all this constructively
Helen x
Hey,
I shall be your reviewer.
The poem is, erm, difficult to read who be putting it nicely. You rhyming scheme is off completely. If you want it to rhyme then go for it, but it is quite obviously forced here, as the words and sentence don't flow.
However without the rhyming this could be a really good piece but i wouldn't write it as a poem, I would write it as a short story. Just a suggestion.
Pm for anything.
~Retro Disco666