Published January 17, 2013
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Canary word: Present
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1. It's pretty scattered, for such a short poem! There isn't any distinguishable theme linking the lines together, aside from the fact that lines two and three are saying virtually the same thing, from a symbolic perspective especially. For that reason, it seems like lines two and three are a completely of a completely different premise than that of line one. Also, the images of mismatched bones and stars clash like the notes of an untuned guitar.
2. The imperative overtone of line two (let's, together) is off-putting. Why should I eat the stars? The narrator of a poem should not have to acknowledge its audience any more than necessary—save that for prose.
3. "Earth" shouldn't be capitalized in line three—it's only capitalized when it's treated as a proper noun, ie not preceded by "the."
4. Expand this! Take the concepts you have here, use them as a start, and develop them. See where the poem takes you.
Hope this helped.
-Kafka
Thanks so much! ^_^
This is a delightfully puzzling poem. I really enjoy how short it is as well. It doesn't say anything it doesn't need to and it leaves things open enough for us to pick our own meanings from it.
For me, this poem is saying that because we are all unique and different, we should all give into our own desires as a friendly group of individuals who help one another, and live life to the fullest.
For me, the title really didn't play into it. I didn't read the title before I read the poem, and I didn't look to the title for context, although it could help. I'm not sure what a good way to think about a title for this poem would be. Perhaps you need to assign your own meaning to this poem and really think about how you want people to read it so that the title will come out naturally.
I also think it deserves two periods.
Keep writing.
Hey, Aley! I like your interpretation very much
Thanks for the advice on the title; I really do suck at that. I appreciate you stopping by to give your thoughts, it really helps!
Hey, Aley! I like your interpretation very much
Thanks for the advice on the title; I really do suck at that. I appreciate you stopping by to give your thoughts, it really helps!
Hey, Aley! I like your interpretation very much
Thanks for the advice on the title; I really do suck at that. I appreciate you stopping by to give your thoughts, it really helps!
O_O Well dang lol
I think this stands to be a rather poignantly short and insightful piece--philosophical, surreal, even political. Such short, dense pieces rely heavily on their context, and when they're postings in an assorted portfolio like what you have here, that context isn't so much a body of concurrent work as...you guessed, title. Short, dense, and pointed, I do think the title of this makes or breaks it. Right now, it feels like a draft--a draft of a title, that is. I have no real suggestions toward edition on the body of the piece, but play with titles--what theme, what bigger idea (if any) do you want it to tilt toward? Good stuff.
thanks for the review, I appreciate it! You're right, probably should have spent a bit more time thinking up a title. Thanks again!