Spring was now just around the corner and following it the end of school. Draco paced about in the Slytherin dorm. As the end of school drew nearer so did the fulfilling of his mission. He would tell himself that he could do it, that he was strong enough to do it. However, deep down a small voice screamed “NO”.
Draco thought on how he could go about his plan on his own, when he remembered something that had happen to him when he was younger...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Draco was only eight at the time; he had been playing in the gardens around his house when he came across one of his father’s peacocks.
The peacock was not doing any harm; he was perched on a low fence cooling in the shade.
Draco thought to himself how easy it would be to throw a stone and knock the bird right off the fence. The thought pleased him, so picking up a few stones he began to toss them toward the bird. Though the stones came close they did not hit him, nor did the bird seem to care. He just sat there watching Draco throw the stones.
Losing his temper Draco shouted at the bird trying to make him move. “Come on you stupid thing you! Why won’t you move?” The bird still only watched him. Picking up a larger rock Draco tossed it through the air still yelling at the bird to move.
The rock struck the bird in the head, sending him to the ground. He did not move from where he lay.
Draco’s heart seemed to stop at the sight of the bird lying oddly on the ground. Slowly he approached the bird, “H-hey? Come on, you're okay.” he said hoping he was right. He was now standing right beside the bird yet he still did not move. A sick feeling sank in Draco’s stomach as he looked into the birds cold dead eyes. He sank to his knees and gently stroked the bird. ‘I killed him! I’m a murderer!’ Draco thought as tears streamed down his face.
As he sat there he realized that he would have to do something with the body. Taking off his jacket, he wrapped the bird in it the best he could. Then gently he carried it to the far side of the garden where a large oak grew. There he placed the bird, then he ran to one of the nearby gardener sheds to find a shovel. After finding one that he could carry, he raced back to the tree and began to dig. He dug as fast as he could, trying to hold back the sobs that were now choking him. Then a voice from behind him caused him jump.
“Draco?”
He recognized the voice to belong to Severus Snape, one of his father’s friends. Slowly he turned to face him. Snape was walking toward him and had not yet seen the bird’s body wrapped in the jacket.
“Your mother asked me to bring you inside.” He said calmly then looking from the hole to the bird he asked, “What happened?”
Draco dropped to his knees crying, “I did it! I killed him!” He knelt next to the hole and sobbed.
Snape stood there and let him cry. He did not know what to do for the boy. He could not see why the boy needed to weep over killing something as pathetic as a peacock, but seeing that the boy was greatly upset he knelt beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Before Snape could think of any words that might comfort the boy Draco threw his arms around his neck and cried out, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I did not mean to kill the peacock! I-it was an accident…” Awkwardly Snape placed his arms around him and gently patted his back hoping it would comfort him.
Only being able to take so much, Snape decided to put an end to Draco’s obsessive crying. “All right now,” he said, trying not to sound to rough, “Stop this crying and go find me a flat stone.”
“W-what do you need a stone for?” Draco asked trying hard to stop crying.
“Every grave needs a head stone, do they not?”
“Well…yes, I suppose so, but I haven’t finished digging the grave.”
“I’ll do that, you just go find a stone.”
With that said, Draco raced off to find one, time he did and had carried it all the way back Snape had finished digging the hole, placed the bird inside and had covered him up.
“Place the head stone over here.” Snape instructed. Draco did as told and placed the stone on top of the grave. “Now then, did this bird have a name?”
“No,” Draco replied. “Not that I know about.”
“Well then,” Taking out his wand, Snape engraved:
Peacock; Died June 27, 1988
“There,” Snape said quite satisfied with the results.
“Are you not going to say something over the grave?” Draco asked looking at the small grave with deep regret.
“If you think that I am going to pray over some dead peacock, think again.” But seeing his saddened face, Snape added, “But if you feel it to be necessary, you do so.”
At first Draco was very unsure of what to do, then slowly he bowed his head and said, “Lord, please let this peacock into heaven, for he was a good peacock. Also, sir, let him know that I am very sorry for what I did, and that I did not mean to kill him…um, that is all sir. Amen”
“Amen” Snape quietly repeated.
Picking up Draco’s jacket, Snape started walking back to the house. Draco stopped him, “You have to promise not to tell my Mother or Father that I killed that peacock.”
“Then what shall I tell them when they ask ‘why is there a stone out by the oak that say's a peacock died’?” Snape asked amused by the thought.
“We’ll just say that we found a peacock dead, and that we buried it, Okay.”
“Very well then”
“You have to promise!”
“I promise that I’ll never tell a living soul, all right?”
Draco gave him a smile of approval and they walked back to the house together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thinking back on that, made Draco wish things could be that simple again. However, he knew better. Life would never be the same now...
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139,337 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
I really liked it, but the idea of Draco crying because he killed a peacock is, in my opinion, a little bit forced. I mean, probably, analyzing what he did he would have been cruel to animals in his infancy. But the idea of Snape being his "nanny" made me laugh a lot. Really good. Also, the fact that you made them "friends" before school was great too. Congratulations.
The grammar wasnt fully correct but the way you detailed the story was precise. It was amazing how Draco had contemplated a big, bad decision by remembering a time when he did something wrong and felt guilty. This story was filled with emotion. Though im not a big fan of the Harry Potter series, but this good work had caught my attention. I enjoyed the story.Great work!
It was a very good story. I believe you hit Draco fairly well except for the fact that he'd been hardening his heart to protect it. Draco wasn't a nice guy. He just wasn't evil. Anyways, thats what I like about fanfictions. They're meant to be played around with. I believe the plot line was very good and except for grammatical errors already pointed out, you did very well. Congrats on a story well written.
Good job making it a peacock and not any kind of bird. It clearly states there was a peacock at Malfoy Manor in the last book. Congrats on remembering this
Hi there!
I really like your story! Wow, Snape was very kind that time! I love how you made Draco such an innocent little boy! It's sweet. Even though your style isn't very similar with J.K. Rowling's style, you made it your own, that's great! I love it! Awesome job and keep it up!
- gleek456 <3
I really liked this, it seemed like something that would happen
and it seems like a good reason for why Draco couldn't kill Dumbledore 9 years later
it's fitting and I think you portrayed the characters very well.
Maybe a little more detail would be helpful
but other than that it is very well written.
I love this - it sets up a great background for the end of the 6th book. It matches up beautifully with Draco's actions later in Rowling's books.
However, I tend to agree with the others on one point - Snape really isn't that warm and nice, even at his best. I can't picture him actually doing any of that stuff for Draco or the peacock - I would imagine him saying something cold and walking away.
Overall, though, this is great - it shows that everyone has a soft side, and sometimes the bad guys aren't really so bad.
Aaaw, this is kind of sweet!
I didn't see any problems and the whole actually made lots of sense, so congrats.
I also love how you developed Draco. He's (one of) my favorite characters in Harry Potter and I don't like it when people are all, "Oh, he's so EVIL." Because, really, he isn't. He's just confused.
So, great story
Keep writing,
Alzora
I liked your take on the story but you've really confused me. This isn't the Draco we know now or is porrtayed in the novels. He is whiny and Snape is cold and uncaring. He most likely wouldn't comfort Draco. Draco seems young so that helps when making him sad over murder but remember that his father most likely would've encouraged evil inside of his son.
I can only complain about your judgement of the characters and petty grammatical errors, but the writing was good and the idea fascinated me. I'd love to see more fanfictions from you
This was a nice piece and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
However, some of your word choices as stated before could have been better. I like how you gave the reader a different side of Draco ans Snape for that matter.
It would have been nice if you had put in more emotion to the characters so that they would be more believable and so that they would be more like themselves.
Other than that it was a fun piece to read! Keep it up!
Nice!
It was kind of unclear, because of some mistakes, but overall, it was pretty good, a fun read.
That was great! It was in total accord with Draco's character, he talks tough but has a weak heart.
I aslo like your interpritaion of Severus Snape's charcter. Where he truly feels sympathy for Draco, albiet awkwardly.
This idea is very creative, I never seen a story about Draco before school.
All in all, I think that this story is extremely creative and interesting.
Hi, Kyle here.
First, I thought it was a good story. It wasn't in Rowling's style and that's okay.
Second, I don't think Snape would have been so kind.
Third, "Please don't tell Father and Mother"
I think Father and Mother should be lower case.
Overall,
A very good story
Kyle
Hiya!
I don't generally review fanfiction, but I decided that once couldn't hurt.
I really liked this. I really, REALLY liked how you showed Draco as a small boy, before he becomes what he has been made by his parents and Voldemort. It was really very sweet how you showed that he, too, has feelings, and although he may be a spoiled git, he has reservations and can feel remorse. He does not want to kill.
This, of course, ties in very nicely with him contemplating the murder of Dumbledore, because, as we know, Draco did not want to do that, either. He was frightened for himself and for his family, and I would bet my life that he was, at that moment, when he hesitated in front of Dumbledore, who was unarmed and fatally ill, wishing that he had been born into a family devoid of evil and Voldemort. Even though Draco is someone who mainly thinks of himself and is spiteful and cowardly, he has a heart, and does not want to kill. You portrayed this very well.
One thing - even though Snape is, at the end of the day, a good person (deep down), he is not the sort to pat a small child on the back and try to comfort him. He might feel for the boy, but he is a cold sort of person and I imagine he would not feel comfortable attempting to cheer up a tearful boy. Just my opinion - don't listen to me, I have a tendency to waffle.
I really (wow, I've used that word a lot) loved this.
Keep it up, and God bless,
Ignis
Draco and Snape were always some of my favorite characters in the HP books, and I like how you showed another side of them. I also like how the story starts out with Draco contemplating killing Dumbledore, and how you close with this as well. It wraps things up well, and adds a hint of unease to the ending. It helps you sympathyze with Draco all the more.
Good job and keep writing!
I have a question:
how is Draco in the dorm and then at his house?(just asking)
I think this story was nice and i like the softer side of Draco and Snape. but i need something more that gives a little more emotion. from snape. ok thats it. bye
Hey there! Seems like there's not much for me to review because the reviews part is pretty much covered. I think if you continue writing, you can write even better than this.
Overall, I enjoyed reading it.
Good luck and keep writing,
Alicia.
Oooh, I liked it. However, I don't think Snape would ever be that nice... not even to Draco. He definitely wouldn't make a headstone for a peacock and hug little chiddlens. Also, I don't know why, but the whole praying part seemed a tad out of place to me.... they never, ever mention religion in the books, other to say that it's Christmas time.
Anyway, nice job. Keep writing!
-Tori
I really liked it. I also feel that Draco is just a good guy in a bad spot. This is a great sweet story.
Aw! This is cute in a messed up Draco Malfoy kind of way. I think you hit it right on the nob! the beggining is pretty unclear though. Did you mean to make it like that?
I'm also a part of this conversation!
I enjoyed this even though it was a bit sad. It was cute and had a decent storyline to it. The grammatical errors are fixable but easily overlooked. Try reading your story throughly out loud to yourself before posting. It really does help. Keep up the good work, Can't wait to read more from you
XO Change
Hey Kaedee Nice idea
Spring was now just around the corner and following it the end of school.Nice opener, the metaphor works well Draco paced about in the Slytherin dorm. As the end of school drew nearer, so did the fulfilling of his mission. He would tell himself that he could do it, that he was strong enough to do it. However, deep down a small voice screamed “NO”.
Draco thought on how he could go about his plan on his own, when he remembered something that had happen to him when he was younger...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Draco was only eight at the time; he had been playing in the gardens around his house when he came across one of his father’s peacocks.
The peacock was not doing any harm; he was perched on a low fence cooling in the shade.
Draco thought to himself "how easy it would be to throw a stone and knock the bird right off the fence." The thought pleased him, so picking up a few stones he began to toss them toward the bird. Though the stones came close they did not hit him, nor did the bird seem to care. He just sat there watching Draco throw the stones.
Losing his temper, Draco shouted at the bird trying to make him move. “Come on you stupid thing you!I dont think you need the you at the end Why won’t you move?” The bird still only watched him. Picking up a larger rock Draco tossed it through the air still yelling at the bird to move.
The rock struck the bird in the head, sending him to the ground. He did not move from where he lay.
Draco’s heart seemed to stop at the sight of the bird lying oddly on the ground. Slowly he approached the bird, “H-hey? Come on, you're okay.” he said better word than said? hoping he was right. He was now standing right beside the bird yet he still did not move. A sick feeling sank in Draco’s stomach as he looked into the birds cold dead eyes. He sank to his knees and gently stroked the bird. ‘I killed him! I’m a murderer!’ Draco thought as tears streamed down his face. Nice paragraph
As he sat there he realized that he would have to do something with the body. Taking off his jacket, he wrapped the bird in it the best he could. Then gently he carried it to the far side of the garden where a large oak grew. There he placed the bird, then he ran to one of the nearby gardener sheds to find a shovel. After finding one that he could carry, he raced back to the tree and began to dig. He dug as fast as he could, trying to hold back the sobs that were now choking him. Then a voice from behind him caused him jump. This potrays Draco's character in Harry Potter, appears really strong, and when it comes down to it...he's a wimp
“Draco?”
He recognized the voice to it might work better being "He recognized the voice, it belonged to Severus Snape... belong to Severus Snape, one of his father’s friends. Slowly he turned to face him. Snape was walking toward him and had not yet seen the bird’s body wrapped in the jacket.
“Your mother asked me to bring you inside.” He said calmly then looking from the hole to the bird he asked, “What happened?”
Draco dropped to his knees crying, “I did it! I killed him!” He knelt next to the hole and sobbed.
Snape stood there and let him cry. He did not know what to do for the boy. He could not see why the boy needed to weep over killing something as pathetic as a peacock, but seeing that the boy was greatly upset he knelt beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. Before Snape could think of any words that might comfort the boy Draco threw his arms around his neck and cried out, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I did not mean to kill the peacock! I-it was an accident…” Awkwardly Snape placed his arms around him and gently patted his back hoping it would comfort him.
Only being able to take so much, Snape decided to put an end to Draco’s obsessive crying. “All right now,” he said, trying not to sound to rough, “Stop this crying and go find me a flat stone.”
“W-what do you need a stone for?” Draco asked trying hard to stop crying.
“Every grave needs a head stone, do they not?”
“Well…yes, I suppose so, but I haven’t finished digging the grave.”
“I’ll do that, you just go find a stone.”
With that said, Draco raced off to find one, time he did and had carried it all the way back Snape had finished digging the hole, placed the bird inside and had covered him up. This sentence doesn't really make sense!
“Place the head stone over here.” Snape instructed. Draco did as told and placed the stone on top of the grave. “Now then, did this bird have a name?”
“No,” Draco replied. “Not that I know about.”
“Well then,” Taking out his wand, Snape engraved:
Peacock; Died June 27, 1988
“There,” Snape said quite satisfied with the results.
“Are you not going to say something over the grave?” Draco asked looking at the small grave with deep regret.
“If you think that I am going to pray over some dead peacock, think again.” But seeing his saddened face, Snape added, “But if you feel it to be necessary, you do so.”
At first Draco was very unsure of what to do, then slowly he bowed his head and said, “Lord, please let this peacock into heaven, for he was a good peacock. Also, sir, let him know that I am very sorry for what I did, and that I did not mean to kill him…um, that is all sir. Amen”
“Amen” Snape quietly repeated.
Picking up Draco’s jacket, Snape started walking back to the house. Draco stopped him, “You have to promise not to tell my Mother or Father that I killed that peacock.”
“Then what shall I tell them when they ask ‘why is there a stone out by the oak that say's a peacock died’?” Snape asked amused by the thought.
“We’ll just say that we found a peacock dead, and that we buried it, Okay.”
“Very well then”
“You have to promise!”
“I promise that I’ll never tell a living soul, all right?”
Draco gave him a smile of approval and they walked back to the house together.
I found this story very moving and I could relate it to harry potter, I have corrected a few things, but to be honest, towards the end I was so moved by the story - I didn't find any more errors
Well done!
Hey there! KD here for an overall(ish) review.
You can take out the smiley part, haha (it's a bit of a cliche too...I'm sure you can do better). You could use something like that if you want to show more of Snape's 'softer' side. In general, I wish you could have made Snape sound a little bit harsher, and Draco a little more whiny, since that's much like him.Characters:
This whole story was, to me, basically 1oo% Draco. So, good job. That's probably one of the most important parts of this.
Snape seems so kind...but I guess he is capable of being kind, after all. You still made his nice actions towards Draco seem plausible.
So, you did fairly well with both of the HP characters, in my opinion! I only wish you added more emotion to this piece. I wish you could have added more 'expressions' to their voices (yelled, snapped, whined, etc.) to make the characters seem even more like themselves. For example:
Plot, and Story Setup:
I think this whole story was set up well. I like how you start this piece and end it. But, it would be even better if you could have given exactly what year Draco is 'currently' in, and more info on what he has to do, especially for people who either haven't read the books at all or haven't read the books in a long time (that's me!).
Main Nitpicky Problems:
Make sure that you always have punctuation at the end of every single sentence in dialogue.
Examples:
Mainly in here there were proof-read problems.
Example:
Overall:
This was pretty well written. I had lots of fun reading this! Lovely job. *likes*
~KD
Hello.
I enjoyed this, even though I haven't read Harry Potter in so long. I think it was written in a different style than Rowling, but I like it. It was easy to read and easy for me to see in my head. I did find it a little hard to picture Snape patting Draco's back. I see him as a tougher person than that.
Ah, well, Dakota did a nice job of picking up on your mistakes. I did pick up on two little things...
"You are okay" or "You're okay". Your is possessive, like their, my, ours.
Usually, I see thoughts as italics, not put in quotes. But that may just be a regional thing. I'm not sure.
I enjoyed reading it, and I think that is the most important thing. Are you thinking about expanding it? Not so much the flashback as his mission, his plan? I'd be interested in reading more.
Hey there,
I really liked your little story. It was sweet and simple. I like Draco in the Harry Potter series, mostly I feel like he was a good guy in a bad spot and that in the end he had to pay a price that wasn't his fault. Your story shows a different side to the slick-haired slytherin. Just some nit picks:
"Draco paced the floor in the Slytherin dorm, as the end of school drew nearer so did the fulfilling of his mission. "
I would put a period between dorm and as.
"He did not move from where he laid."
I would use lay instead of laid.
"A sick feeling sunk in Draco’s stomach"
Sank
"He sank to his knees and gentle stroked the bird"
"Then gentle he carried it to the far side of the garden"
"Snape placed his arms around him and gentle patted his back hoping"
Gently
"Draco thought as tears steamed down his face. "
Streamed
"near by gardener"
nearby
"He did not know of what to do for the boy."
I would take out the "of"
"was greatly up set "
upset is one word
"Draco asked try hard to stop crying"
I think you meant "trying"
"With that said Draco raced off to find one"
I would put a coma after said.
"over some died peacock"
dead
"then he slowly he bowed his head and said"
Either take out a "he" or put in a coma.
"Snape stared walking back to the house"
started
"Father that I kill that peacock"
killed
"out by the oak that say a peacock"
say's
Ok, simple spelling errors. But the story line was good and I liked it. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing!
~DakotaK