Paul listened quietly to the static of the radio. Nothing was coming through. A thunderstorm was roaring outside, and the glass windows were heard, rattling in their frames. The wind must be at least 50 miles per hour out there, he thought to himself. His parents weren’t home. They were at some hotel in another city, enjoying their very own vacation. Though he was alone, he was not very worried at all. Or at least, that was not what he was worried about.
Rather, what worried him the most, was not knowing what was outside of him. What was outside of that house, of that country, of that state--whether the whole city was being rained upon, or if it was only his neighborhood, or only his house.
Rain continued to beat upon the windows and the roof, as the radio signal came on-and-off erratically. He could catch a few words here and there, breaking through the static, but nothing more.
It soon became a monotonous noise, all the loud sounds together, as if in a hectic symphony. It was late, and Paul felt the alertness of an awake consciousness begin to fade. The cacophony of noises was starting to dim, when he heard a crash in the kitchen.
He jumped, startled. From the tiny living room, it sounded as if glass had been broken, and pots and pans had dropped. He stumbled to his feet, and rushed into the kitchen. What met his eyes was a figure obscured by shadows. It somehow seemed familiar, but he could not quite place it.
He wanted to say something brave, something that might ward off the intruder, but the words were caught in his throat. Fear was surging through him, when he managed to get out his most wanting question:
“Who are you?”
The words came out far more feeble than he intended.
"Oh, Paul," a familiar, female voice said in only a slight undertone, though it made fresh chills creep up his spine. He was startled that the person knew his name, when it hit him like a tornado.
“Are you really sure you want to know?”
And, at that moment, he really didn’t want to know: it was his language arts teacher, Coach Lindon.
He took a few steps backwards as his teacher stepped out from the shadows. She was clad in a green jumpsuit, and an ominous axe lay in her hands. Though he was starting to feel panic edge into his mind, he still had a recurring thought in the back of his mind that the green jumpsuit was a bit silly, for a murder.
His teacher progressed quickly upon him, and he felt the wall hit his back. It was a morbid thought, acknowledging your own death, and he let out a scream as he watched the axe being lifted. During the seconds before impact, he briefly empathised with how it felt to be in the position of a trapped animal--then--nothing. He was dead, and he knew it. Darkness encased him, and the emptiness of the black walls seemed to go on forever.
But then he began to hear a dim ringing, as if the noise was far away, and was getting closer and closer. When it sounded as if it was ringing right into his ear, his eyes opened suddenly.
It had been a dream.
He sat up in bed, and looked out the window. There was only a light rain outside, and it seemed to be letting up. His sheets were drenched in sweat, and his hands were still shaking from fear. He was reaching over to turn off his alarm, when he heard a crash in the kitchen--as if glass had been broken, and pots and pans had been dropped.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey there, Annie here for a review!
First I want to say that I absolutely love it when writers use the word "cacophony" so when you used it, it made me very happy. Intense words like that really help to set the mood of a story, so I was very pleased to see so many of them in your story.
As a fellow horror writer I felt this was pretty good. The only thing I can suggest is that you spend a little more time in building up the suspense before the dramatic moments. But other than that it was great, and I loved the ending!
It is definitely a scary story and I kind of wish that there was more. The writing drew me in and held me there, so that I couldn't take my eyes of the story until it was finished. There were no parts that dragged out for me and the beginning description was excellent. It set the mood just right.
If I had to nit-pick it would be that you wrote down rain a little to much in the beginning, but that is a very small setback compered to the actually story. I hardly noticed it.
I would really like to see you write some more stories. This first one was brilliant.
Hey! So I really enjoyed this story due to the fact you threw me for a loop at the end. The story seemed to be going one direction and then the shift in the end makes for a good surprise for the audience. I enjoyed this story, but I have some suggestions you can possibly consider...
, it presented an idea that there could possibly be some supernatural or mysterious event happening just in his town or throughout the country. This line does not fill well into the story as it gives off an idea that your story does not support. I would recommend taking it out or changing it to another worry Paul may have about being home alone. You could change it to something like, "He was worried about what was outside of his home. Worried about the possible dangers that awaited outside the safety of the four walls he resides in. And then transition into how the danger is now entering his home...While reading it I was thinking why is the teacher there? I wanted to know if there was a back story to why the teacher was the murderer. Dreams are said to have an underlying meaning, so without diving fully into details of the back story as it is a short story, maybe you can reference why the teacher made an appearance in his dream.
In the second paragraph when you say
Another recommendation I have is the line the sentence does not flow well. It almost contradicts itself by saying he did not want to know followed by him finding out who it is that is in his home. I would recommend changing it to something like, "In the moment of realization, Paul wished he did not know, as the face of his language arts teacher, Ms.Lindon appeared out of the darkness."
Overall I enjoyed this short story a lot especially the end. So creative!
Hey there! Gonna leave you a review.
So, overall, I enjoyed your use of descriptive words within this story. I felt like I could feel Paul's fear. The twist wasn't too shocking to me, but it was still interesting to see him go from a dream to what may be the dream coming true after all.
Okay, so I do have some suggestions, and they are as follows....
1. "They were at some hotel in another city, as their very own vacation, and though he was alone, he wasn’t very worried at all." --- This sentence feels wrong to me. I would suggest separating the part about his parents from the alone and worried part. But that's not all, I feel like the part about his parents doesn't make too much sense. Perhaps you could change it.... for example, "They were at some hotel, in another city, enjoying their very own vacation."
2. "He saw the lips of the figure move, and with it heard a familiar voice: “Oh, Paul...”"
--- There's nothing really wrong with this, though I feel like it didn't flow too well. I would suggest trying to use a dialogue tag instead, to clarify that the voice was female and familiar as well. For example: "Oh, Paul," a familiar female voice called out. - Just an example, but do you see what I mean?
3. "During the seconds before impact, he briefly empathised the the feelings of being a trapped animal, and then--nothing." --- There are two the's, right before feelings. Also, it might have been more realistic if it had been added that he felt pain or at least the impact itself. And lastly, it may sound better to say "he briefly empathised the feelings of an animal, trapped." Or even, "he briefly felt what it was like to be in the position of a trapped animal."
So, overall, wonderful story! Your use of descriptive words and mind-trickery was interesting. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for more of your work!