Time gives us a present,
Even a past and a future.
It;s the bottom line.
Without it, we wouldn't be whole.
Time makes us who we are,
And so much more.
It's taken for granted.
Every day, it engulfs us.
Time slips from us to bring us death,
And fills us to bring us life.
Time is like a blanket,
Always wrapped around us.
No matter what happens,
Time will pass, wounds will heal.
It brings people together,
And pulls us apart.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I agree with Dream_Catcher about the language and style of the poem. To me it felt a bit like a lecture or an informational text. More 'poetic' words or figurative language would do it a lot of good.
i suppose i will be the devils advocate for a round here. I have to say the poem is not my favorite. I think much of it is 'spoken' language which can be written well but i find this piece cliche.
i find that every general matter that was addressed was some what of common knowledge and unnecessary. This of course is mostly opinion. I kind of feel bad. I will find something else of yours that I like and review it.
Not necessarily. I've met a lot (a lot) of people who've totally blocked out or forgotten their pasts all together. Others, such as those who're fighting terminal illnesses, or battle for their country in some war, for example, might not be as sure of their "future" as you and I are whilst reading this. Just some food for thought
A philosophical debate I'll get into at another time (see what I did there?!).
1: I completely disagree.
2: Again I could turn to philosophy here, but instead... Think about when you were little. Really little. Now think of yourself now. Have you become more than you were where you were smaller? That's just my perspective, however.
3: Lolwut.
Read between the lines. Look deeper for the meaning the poet was trying to express, I'm sure you (and anyone else) would be able to find it
And to the poet: besides that one ";" thing for "it's," I loved your poem. Very philosophical, even if you didn't mean it to be. Great work, I'll look for more of yours. Keep writing!
Hope that helped.
Well said. I really like it.
Keep it up.
OK
So this is a good poem, but I agree with Galerius - the "even" at the start of line 2 is unnecessary - no-one is surprised by the fact there is a past, present and future!
Overall, though, I like your style of writing. It's a lot like mine, in fact!!
Keep writing!
Pgsgirl x
Hi Master,
Why the "even"? It's as if you expect the reader to be surprised; that doesn't make sense, because it should be obvious that time contains the past, present, and future.
Would we be anything without time?
These are a lot of empty phrases with little or nothing to back them up later in the poem, or even in common sense. How can time make us more than we are? Explain what you mean when you say that we take it for granted. How do you know? Why is that important?
Most of this suffers from the same symptoms of the first few stanzas. What exactly are you trying to teach the reader here? That there is such a thing as "time"? That is boring and doesn't tell us anything new - neither does your platitude about wounds healing. That's a common saying and you don't seem to be doing anything except regurgitating it back to the reader. Try finding the point you're trying to make and bringing it to the forefront of the poem. If your point is simply that time exists and has qualities that everyone already knows, then get rid of this poem.
Hope that helped,
Galerius