z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

Our story- How we became

by xShawdyx


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

On November 25th I got the new Xbox one s, but Little did I know I would meet the love of my life, who has changed my life dramatically.

It was an ordinary day, as I slide the disk into the brand new white box shaped console. The screen flickers and then changes from a home screen to Call Of Duty: Black ops, I load into the game as the sounds of choppers and rapped gun fire fill my ears. 

 I was on a team with a guy who I thought was pretty funny. Also he was destroying the other team. By the end of the round I decided to add him as a friend. He invited me to a party but I didn’t have a mic to talk to him, I joined anyway and messaged him telling him I didn’t have one. 

I messaged him and asked what his name was, how old he was, and where he was from and he said his name was Kolton, he was 14, and from Oregon. I told him my name was Maddie, I was 14 to, and I was from Virginia, also that I was a girl. Cuz not many girls play Call of Duty.

He didn’t believe me so I asked if he wanted my Instagram for proof, he said yes. So I gave it to him and he seemed shocked then said I was cute. I started to smile and then all of a sudden my cheeks turn red. 

I honestly really wanted to talk to him so I gave him my house number so he could call and we could actually talk. I was really nervous but excited at the same time. He calls that night his voice semi deep, filled with unspoken words. We literally talk for hours about our self's, by the next night we knew almost everything about each other. It was crazy how fast we became really close in the matter of 2 days, and how I fell head over heals for him. 

Two days latter he asked "will you be my Girlfriend?" When I heard those words it was like a dream come true, you know that feeling when you get a new puppy for Christmas or your birthday. Yeah that's what it felt like . We went out for a week, that had to be the best week of my life.

But all good things come to an end at some point, just like Kolton and I. 

The night he broke up with me was one of the worst breakups I could ever fucking experience, The tears were flowing down me like a waterfall, they wouldn't stop, I was so lightheaded I almost passed out. I called one of my good friends who lives in Ohio and told her everything, she was so pissed at him. 

She started emailing him about how he was being such an idiot, a careless, stupid idiot.  

When I got to school the next day, in first period I start crying thinking about him and reading our old messages. My eyes tearing up as they scanned over the words that used to mean something, now meant nothing. I sat there crying and tears flow out of my eyes like a rapped river. 

This breakup was so damn hard to deal with but I think It brought Kolton and I closer than before. Even tho I should have been over him and he should have been over me that never happened. 

We were deeply in love with each other that we couldn’t keep away for to long. It was like a rope was attached to him and I, if we went to far, we would collide into each other. A few days pass after the breakup and we’re back to our old routine, talking to each other and saying I love you and acting like a couple. 

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12 Reviews

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Tue Jan 24, 2017 3:42 pm
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reneehope wrote a review...



I felt this was more of a rant than an actual piece of writing, like you needed an outlet to just explode your feelings onto, and for that it was good. It was a fine explosion, deserving of infinite golf claps and snaps.
Now let's getting into the piece of writing bit.
~Grammar and mispelling took away from it. At first I thought it could be a stylistic choice, using words like "cuz" instead of "because" in order to heighten the fact that you were only 14 and that it was a gamer thing... but then I saw that wrong form of "too" and I realized it was just neglect. So just some basic proofreading would do you good. (Period at the end of the piece!!)
~Paragraphs were needed. Like a lot. As the reader, I found myself very overwhelmed by the sheer density of your writing within the first three sentences. If you break it up a little more, it would go a long way.
~Cursing. Okay. I am all one for the fucks and the shits and the fucking hells and all that great jazz, but I think in writing, there's a time and place for it. I mean, you were 14. If you omitted the variation of fucks and changed them to different words, I think it could preserve a sense of innocence that's shown in phrases like "I asked if he wanted my instagram for proof"
~Why did you guys break up? From the 4 days that it took you guys to get together, i assumed the relationship was only like a week long, and while a week can certainly feel like a lifetime, I want to know more details about your relationship. Where did he live in proximity to you? How long were you together? Why did you break up? Was he your first boyfriend? Do you talk anymore? I just feel like there's so much missing from this piece that could be there and would make it a lot stronger.
~Phrasing/sentence length. Varying sentence length could for sure make this a lot let overwhelming (also see "paragraph" bullet)

As I said before, this is a good explosion. Get everything out, write a letter, feel better. Just some typical clean up stuff and you'll be great.
Keep writing! xx




xShawdyx says...


Why, Thank you so much!
Honestly I feel it could use more to but I wrote this on a Google doc one day waiting in a waiting room for my grandpa to hurry up. He didn't take long and honestly I wanted to add much more but my brain was lost since I haven't read anything recently to Gide me on what or how I could be writing things.

Once again thank you for this, It helped a lot. Hopefully I can edit this when I get home or something. but i'll try!



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Tue Jan 24, 2017 3:30 pm
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Omni wrote a review...



Hi there, Shaw! Let's get right into this.

Before I begin, I'll point out that this is all just one big block of text, and is extremely hard to read because of that. Please use multiple paragraphs, they're wonderful and makes it easier on the eyes.

Also, this doesn't seem much like an actual story? But more like, well, you recounting how you met this guy. Reading through this, it doesn't seem like it's going to have a chapter 2. Will it?

Aside from that, this has a huge problem with explaining things to the reader. It's called "showing, not telling". I'll explain more with an example.

On November 25th I got the new Xbox one s, but Little did I know I would meet the love of my life, who has changed my life dramatically.


See, here, you're telling the reader what you're doing. A little more description and imagery and you can actually throw us into the scene. Writing is all about immersion, and that's the whole point of "showing, not telling". The reader would be much more invested if you actually began the story with you getting the new xbox, or playing the game. For example:

I slid the used copy of Call of Duty: Black Ops into the new machine, which took the disk with relish, digesting it with a silent thuick!. The game flared to life on the screen. Ah, the memories of this thing. It was old now compared to the fancy new shooters out there, but this? This was my favorite.


^You see? This created a scene that immersed the readers. Vivid verbs, imagery, personification, and even an onomatopoeia were all literary devices used to draw the reader in. What you have here is a good start, but there's so much more to build with this. Doing this takes practice and patience, but don't let that dissuade you!

I messaged him and asked what his name was, how old he was, and where he was from and he said his name was Kolton, he was 14, and from Organ.


From Oregan? XD i wonder what organ he's from. Maybe the heart?

General Thoughts

Lengthen and lengthen. This is a good rough draft of a short story, as I don't think it actually needs multiple chapters as it is. Use this as an outline or summary of what you actually are writing, and just expand each sentence. Create scenes, and you'll see how fast this can emerge as a large story. Take the example I made above. In just a minute, I lengthened two short sentences into an entire paragraph that started a scene which could have gone on for pages before Maddie met Kolton. You have a good base, and writing like this often gets rid of writer's blocks. Just getting what you want done on the page, even if it's short, works wonders to get you actually writing.

At the point it is right now, it's too short for me to comment on any further. I'd highly recommend that you continue working and revising this, and make sure you comb through to make sure you fix and spelling and grammar issues. Keep writing, and I hope I helped! <3




xShawdyx says...


Thank you so much so the advice and critique's.
Honestly I really enjoy when people critique my work, because leads me to think that I have something to work for and helps me understand where I went wrong and how to fix it. So thank you so much. I'll have to edit this when I get home C:




Nouns can verb very well actually, they verb better than some verbs do.
— winterwolf0100