But If You Close Your Eyes

While this story did begin very well for me, it slowly deteriorated towards the ending, and where the dramatic moment was supposed to pique it instead fell down a bit. I think that's because in the beginning, you actually showed us what the main character was going through. You didn't tell us immediately that the volcano was erupting--you gave us details about how the main character wants to run away and how everything is in chaos. I think it would've been better if you gave it a more chaotic feel to it, throw in a little death and a crowd screaming to the gods or something, but in any case it was a good start.

And then you got to the ending and everything sort of falls apart after that. Instead of showing us what happened with the main characters like you did in the beginning, you instead opted to tell us what happened to them, which makes things much less dramatic for us. A good beginning keeps the reader intrigued, but a good ending is what your work is going to be remembered by. And after reading that ending, I just sort of felt like the whole story lacked substance, excitement. The ending just felt like a Wikipedia article to me detailing the disaster of Pompeii. I suggest you start out the ending like you did in the beginning, by not telling us where they are and how they got there, but showing us something small and slowly letting the camera zoom out to show the scenery (I talk about it like we're making a movie--but in all actuality, most entertaining books are cinematic).

Alright, so that's all I have for you in the substance section. I'll just leave you with a bit of a run through in your text and then we'll be done.

The horse seems nervous and he's scratching his hoofs over the ground.

I think you wanted there was 'hooves', not hoofs.

They have left the cloud of ash behind them en Titus realizes that they have escaped, but most people weren't as lucky.

This should either be 'clouds of ash' or 'cloud of ashes'. Or something of the sort.

Thank you for the nice read, and feel free to keep writing.

Signing out,

--EM.

Hey xMnemosyne,
Myjaspercat here to drop you a review...

At first, Titus wants to run. Then he realizes he has no idea where Ides is and he already lost Flavius in the crowd of people. Okay so we are going to start here why not. I don't particularly like this beginning just because the writing format and the way you created the style seems rather off to me. Plus the first sentence is so boring and bland, like instead of telling us that Titus wanted to run, why not show us how he wanted to run. Maybe with something like 'Titus's legs itched with the need for movement, his toes curling into the ground impatient'. Something like that to truly draw your readers into the scene.

They're trying to escape the city, but he already knows it's too late. He just doesn't want to admit it. How does he already know that it's to late?

It's their own fault, really. Some of the citizens have already left, because some people thought there would happen thatsomething badwould happen, even though they didn't really know whatthat would be. Yesterday those earthquakes Okay I have one small nitpick with this part. You make it sound like you have already mentioned these earthquakes however you haven't. Now it's not bad since it gives a reason to your readers why everyone is panicked but maybe you could transition into the idea a little smoother. got heavier Quick question. How is a earthquake heavy? and Titus had almost begged his father to let at least[/color=red]let[/color] him, his mother and his brother leave the city, but his father refused. Oh, quite interesting. Why would his father refuse to let his family leave if it was obviously dangerous?

"There's nothing to worry about," he had said: "Those earthquakes are not uncommon here, you know that. Fleeing is for cowards." Hmm...

Now Titus regrets listening to his father, but he had trusted the man, because his father is one of the few people who knows what Mount Vesuvius can do. He should have left and he could at least have taken Flavius with him.

At this moment thousands of people are gathering a few belongings and they're trying to escape the disaster that will happen. Okay, so I'm going to say that either this is sentence is unneeded but if you insist on keeping it then I suggest that you word it a different way.

The ground is shaking like it has never before and some of the houses are already damaged. Again instead of telling us that the ground is shaking why not show us through some wonderful imagery.

Titus is searching for Ides and Flavius. Thanks to beginning of the story we already know that Titus is searching for Ides and Flavius He's panicking, because he can't find his girlfriend and his little brother. Then he sees Flavius and he runs towards him. The boy is holding the mane of the horse that belongs to their father. His name is Mercurius, like the god. The horse seems nervous and he's scratching his hoofs over the ground.

I don't think I could stress it enough, Show us the details of the story rather then just stating everything so matter of fact like.

Titus looks around him. Ides is nowhere to be seen. "Come on," he tells his little brother and he helps him onto Mercurius. "We're leaving." Wait, so he's just going to leave his girlfriend?

When they're out of the city, Titus doesn't look back. He can't, because he knows he'll never see it again, never see them again.

He let's Mercurius run for miles. It's a great horse and he doesn't seem to get tired very fast. Do we really need to know this?

About three hours later, they hear it. They don't stop, but they do look over their shoulders. Big, black clouds are coming out of the mountain and he tells Mercurius to keep running. At some point he can feel the ash falling onto their shoulders, but he and Flavius have bound pieces of cloth before their mouth to be able to breath and they bow their heads so it's won't get in their eyes that much.

They keep going and about two hours later, they reach a city. They have left the cloud of ash behind them en Titus realizes that they have escaped, but most people weren't as lucky.
Okay so as the full beginning of your story I can't really say that I liked it that much. The idea that you have set up here is interesting and I like it, however it seems bland and just boring. There's nothing really that grips onto me and draws me in as your reader.
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Years later they both live in a small village on the east coast. Personally I don't think that this is needed. Sometimes Flavius asks him if he wants to go back and see what's become of their city. When ever he asks, Titus merely shakes his head.

He doesn't want to face the truth that there's nothing left of the city where he grew up.

It takes years of Flavius asking him the same question again and again, but at some point, Titus cracks and he tells his little brother that if he really wants to go back, they're going back.

It's unrecognizable. Ash everywhere, at some places stone raises a bit above the ash and it clearly belongs to the temple, the highest building in the city. That's the only thing that gives away that this is Pompeii. Everything is covered in black ash. Miles and miles of ash. Ah, again, show us the detail

Okay, so if I'm going to be honest here, I did not like this. The idea behind it is interesting and I do feel like it could become a great story but the way that you have executed it just doesn't feel right. For one the way you have written it is rather odd. I don't think the whole narrator style works. I would have totally preferred it more if Titus was telling the story through his eyes because then we ( as your readers) could see so much more then what we already get. Anyways, the rest of my points are made above. I hope I didn't sound so rude and I bid you good luck and continue writing. --Myjaspercat