While this story did begin very well for me, it slowly deteriorated towards the ending, and where the dramatic moment was supposed to pique it instead fell down a bit. I think that's because in the beginning, you actually showed us what the main character was going through. You didn't tell us immediately that the volcano was erupting--you gave us details about how the main character wants to run away and how everything is in chaos. I think it would've been better if you gave it a more chaotic feel to it, throw in a little death and a crowd screaming to the gods or something, but in any case it was a good start.
And then you got to the ending and everything sort of falls apart after that. Instead of showing us what happened with the main characters like you did in the beginning, you instead opted to tell us what happened to them, which makes things much less dramatic for us. A good beginning keeps the reader intrigued, but a good ending is what your work is going to be remembered by. And after reading that ending, I just sort of felt like the whole story lacked substance, excitement. The ending just felt like a Wikipedia article to me detailing the disaster of Pompeii. I suggest you start out the ending like you did in the beginning, by not telling us where they are and how they got there, but showing us something small and slowly letting the camera zoom out to show the scenery (I talk about it like we're making a movie--but in all actuality, most entertaining books are cinematic).
Alright, so that's all I have for you in the substance section. I'll just leave you with a bit of a run through in your text and then we'll be done.
The horse seems nervous and he's scratching his hoofs over the ground.
I think you wanted there was 'hooves', not hoofs.
They have left the cloud of ash behind them en Titus realizes that they have escaped, but most people weren't as lucky.
This should either be 'clouds of ash' or 'cloud of ashes'. Or something of the sort.
Thank you for the nice read, and feel free to keep writing.
Signing out,
--EM.
Points: 19607
Reviews: 383
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