Young Writers Society

Hey, Jupiter. I have not read any other chapters, but I find this one fun and interesting to read.

I feel like I should not repeat what Fox said (What did the Fox say? ).

Anyway, I have no issue with fast-progressing plots, but you did jump from scene to scene a bit quickly, so I can assume that this story is meant for children. You do tend to tell rather than show, however, which has a negative effect on believability, something crucial to children's stories.

“Well, isn’t this ironic?” - Irony is a state or an occurrence that contrasts the expectations. So, in a children's story, going through the woods and finding a wooden cottage is not ironic. It would have been ironic if she was going through the woods and expected to find a cabin, but instead found a hotel and casino chain that cut down the trees to make room for a parking lot.

I think that pretty much covers most things. This is a really entertaining story, made me feel like I was dreaming. Going from one place to another, not expecting what you'll find, that's a good time in my book. I hope my review helps, and helps motivate you to get some more writing done.

I liked the story, xJupiter; it has a wonderful concept and idea, and I feel like there's a lot of potential in this story. The plot line is so fascinating, and I like the way that you progress through a serious of mysterious events that captivate the reader and catch their attention. However, I also felt that it suffered from two significant issues. They are, as follows:

1. You appear to tell quite frequently, rather than show.

This is the most notable problem that I had with your story. I felt that, particularly in the most few paragraphs, you didn't make a significant attempt to describe Ophelia's surroundings. For instance, I couldn't imagine what the birch trees looked like. Yes, I am a little familiar with birch trees, but not significantly enough to understand what these particular ones may appear to be. I get that they're tall and skinny, but I can't imagine the way they look, the color they have, and so forth. Saying that "the size of them wasn’t how a regular birch tree would look" wasn't particularly helpful. What does a regular birch tree look like? There simply weren't that many descriptions; I was informed that they weren't like normal birch trees, but nothing beyond that.

The same can be said for sentences like "I then came upon a small cottage, which reminded me of every single kids book ever," "I coughed a bit as one of the lights seemed to have flown into my mouth. I grabbed it and took it out, and let it fall with me," and your lack of descriptions of the interior cottage. Concerning the latter, all I knew was that there was an ordinary looking cottage; I wasn't informed that there was a buffet or feast within until you describe Ophelia's grabbing food and eating it. In conclusion, I felt that this story relied more on telling the reader, and assuming that they would already know what these places and concepts would look like, than showing the reader and providing detailed descriptions. As a suggestion, in the future, make sure to add vivid details when describing Ophelia's surroundings. It helps the reader more clearly envision the setting of the story, and also helps them connect more to Ophelia as a person and understand more vividly her plights and situations.

2. The story seemed to flow too quickly for my liking.

That was my other concern when I read the story. I thought that you jumped from place to place far too quickly. Within the first paragraph alone, we go from walking about an abandoned town to suddenly finding the exit, which then leads Ophelia into a massive forest, and she spots an cottage but suspects it is a trap and avoids it. Almost every single major setting in this particular chapter in the story was explained within the space of a few sentences, and I can't say I'm a great fan of that. This went hand in hand with your telling the events of the story, frankly. You described the town as a crazy maze, but I couldn't envision it. You momentarily depicted the forest, but I could only visualize a small part of it. And this quick pace continued throughout the rest of the story; by telling, instead of showing, the story passed by without much restraint.

As a suggestion, when you're writing a story, always make sure that your pace isn't too much or too little. When your story progresses too quickly, the reader feels like they are being shoved from place to place and being rushed into major plot events without a complete comprehension of the world and characters around them. However, if you story progresses to slowly (which is almost always my problem. XD), the reader can get easily bored with the story and unwilling to read further. After all, not many people would like to read several paragraphs of lengthy descriptions, particularly if they aren't interesting or eye-catching. Always read your chapter, and think about how much it is progressing. If you find that it's going too fast, try and slow the story down. Focus more on detailing specific aspects of the story, and perhaps even adding more plot events. If you, on the other hand, find that it's going too slow, do the opposite. Remove any unnecessary details, or ones that might clog up the story and lose your reader's interest. Clear out what doesn't work and keep what does, and see what happens.

However, I liked the story. I found the concept interesting. The crazy maze, the cottage, Ophelia's fears and worries, and the mysterious boat, island, and child were all things that I found fascinating and captivating. I believe that this story has a lot of potential, and, with enough effort and perseverance, it can be made into something great. In all, I enjoyed reading this chapter. Well done!