Young Writers Society

Hey! Cello here for a review! Happy review day!

Okay, let's talk about punctation. You tend to be using commas for slight pauses at the end of line while you use periods at the end of more dramatic lines. So, going by this rule, I have some suggestions.

You say a lot of things,

I say a lot of things,

I don’t want to fight anymore,

I signed up to make my country proud,

My country may be proud,

But I’m not proud of myself,

But I’m not proud of myself,

Well I can’t stand it,

The first shot,

Feels good,

But only the first,

Feels good.

Hello again, Jupiter! racket here to review another poem.
Well. This is deep... and well done in its deepness! I like your narrator's interjecting thoughts and phrasing and ideas and guilt... it's all so well done! Good job!
I really only have one main suggestion here, well, kind of two, to help you make this better.
The first would be, like my last review, stanzas. Spaces between each thought-interjection would be extremely beneficial in both actual reading purposes, and dramatic-ness purposes. This kind of goes with my second suggestion, which is, again, some punctuation variety, opposed to the many, many commas in this poem. I am impressed, actually, normally I have to suggest people use more commas, but you use them very well! Just a few spots could be made a bit better with periods or exclamations, etc., etc.

It's a war out there,

It's a war out there.

Shelling,
Shooting, Getting closer.

I'm sick of it.

The first shot
Feels good,
But only the first shot.

Hey hey hey.

You just proved that every choppy poem needn't be senseless (because people do criticize on that factor) I just loved it. TOTALLY. Just too good. It's like, the direction is quite good, but I think you could've used stronger words, just to make it more awesome. Secondly, I thought the title and the beginning was OKAY but the end was TOO GOOD. See the difference?

And I liked how you chose a different topic. Most people (like myself) would think that it is about the inner struggle of a normal person. But the way "inner battle" and the "battle on field" is related, it was just great.

Kudos. Great job on getting featured.

Keep writing and stay blessed.

xoxo

Hello there again xJupiter! CelticThunder1438 here to review some more of your work! This poem struck home to me because my best friend in the entire world is joining the army in a year and a half. I don't want her to because I'm scared for her, but I will accept whatever she decides. I guess I have to =)

The message was strong which I thought was really good. Some poetry doesn't have a strong message but the rare ones that do are awesome! <3 *BIG THUMBS UP* I liked the ending it was cool, but also I just have to say (I'm not criticizing or anything like that =)) I just wanted to say that I respect the men and woman who decide to fight for their country, if everyone sat at home and lived normal lives...your country would crumble. The men and woman who fight for their country are some of the best of us <3

~Selina

P.S. I am about to post a poem called 'I Swear Upon The Moon' and its about someone going into the army and leaving his/her loved ones behind with a single promise. I wrote it for my friend who is joining up, would you mind reviewing it if you have time? =) Thank you <3

I really like the message! It's very powerful and overall an untouched ground as many are afraid that criticizing war and the sacrificial soldiers will be considered as trying to "dishonor" them. There was no elaborate wording to the work it self but I think that helpt it more than hurt it. I don't know how to feel about the "first shot..." lines. I have a love and hate relationship with repetition you see XD The part with all the questions, in my opinion, could have been arranged and worded better. It did not flow for me. Otherwise great poem!

I really like this poem, it has a deep meaning, and a great writing technique. I like how you obviously know what your point is, and how it is clearly shown through your writing. Even though I like this poem, the last line does not make any sense to me. Even if someone is dead, that doesn't mean what they were, isn't what they still are...however, past that I like the poem

This is a seriously powerful poem. War isn't all it's hyped up to be, and I think this represents what soldiers might be thinking really well. The lines about your country being proud, but you not being proud, are, in my opinion, the best. The last few lines about choosing death because you aren't a murderer kind of confused me, though. Wouldn't you still be a murderer even if you died?

Hello! Ash here for a review!

Harsh, and true. War is not the grand thing some people make it out to be, this is the truth of it.

I love the way the poem was written. I'll be honest here - I'm not a fan of poetry, but it's poems like this that encourage me to keep reading them. Only thing was:

"I chose death"

I'd of thought it should be "choose" but of course that is just me. Lovely poem, Hope to read more of your work!

~Ash~

Wow. This is harsh. And true. The reality of war.

I love this poem. I like the simplicity and the topic. The question and answer really let's you into the characters head and let's you feel what they're feeling. The ending is so powerful. The second to last line, "I chose death" is in past tense, but the rest of the poem is in present tense.

I never thought of choosing death as a heroic thing but your poem gave a new perspective.

you write good poems