The stars shone bright, just like your eyes. I could have watched them forever.
They were full of life and beauty,
Full of hopes and dreams,
And alas, full of a love that once was.
But now it's gone, that flicker of light, given way to an endless darkness.
I wish I could ignite that light once again,
The hopes and dreams,
Feel the warmth of your love.
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Canary word: Present
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139,753 Literary Works • 672,698 Reviews
Hi toxicunicorn! (awesome username, by the way)
Katja here to review your poem! Please feel free to disregard any or all suggestions or comments I make should you deem them to be unhelpful! That being said, onto the review!
You poem is short and bitter-sweet.
It seems the intended recipient once loved the writer, however, the writer feels as though that spark is gone and the recipient no longer cares for them.
What I liked:
Despite the fact that your poem doesn't rhyme, which seemed to worry you, it's rhythm is perfect and flows smoothly enough that the reader should easily be able to tell it is poetry.
I also liked that your poem started out with the love and admiration and transitioned to the current situation, that being that the writer feels like the recipient no longer has the "light" in their eyes which they so admired about them previously.
I have no suggestions, other than perhaps continuing the poem, as it seems to end too abruptly, leaving the reader unsatisfied with how short the poem is.
My favorite line, because it shows the reader the depth of concern the writer has for this person, and their lack of "light" currently. It shows us that they truly care for this person and are concerned.
I look forward to reading more of your work soon!
Keep writing,
-Katja
Oof. This is great. Really, really great. I like the lyrical flow of this poem, and the overall focus on emotion.
You have a small punctuation error that my OCD can't get over. "But now it is gone, that flicker of light.Given way to an endless dark fall." I'd suggest perhaps "...of light, given way...." It, in my opinion, would improve the flow of the sentence. Just an opinion.
Also, the structure of this poem is slightly perplexing to me. You have a 1-line stanza, a 3-line stanza, another 1-line stanza, and then a 2-line stanza. It makes sense when you read it, but I dabble in line art and am appreciative of the shape of a poem, so I think you see where my puzzlement is coming from. Just something I noticed.
Overall, this is great, and keep writing!
Thank you for the review and feedback!
The stars shine bright, just like your eyes. I could just watch them forever.
shine = present [shone = past]
watch = present [watched = past]
That line indicates it is talking about the past.
The stars shine bright, just like your eyes. I could just watch them forever.
shine = present [shone = past]
watch = present [watched = past]
That line indicates it is talking about the present.
With the work, I wanted to use a little nit of contradiction to be honest. I know I should fix this mistake. At the beginning I was kind of describing how they used to be and then after. Kind of a before and after effect, i guess. Sorry for the confusion.
This is very pretty and it doesn't matter that it doesn't rhyme, that just makes it a free verse poem.
Thank chu!