Tonight

Hello again!

Overall, I've got to say that there was some fascinating imagery in there and a really clear 'dark' theme running throughout. There were some lovely lines:

When contrary winds blow across the sands,
their murmurs can be easily heard through the lands

'Contrary winds' - I liked this, and I cannot really say why. At first, I thought it sounded strange - maybe too contradictory? But then, I realised that it PERFECTLY described the way wind feels sometimes - as if it's swirling around in every direction - i.e. in a contrary manner. But I think it gave it a rather 'formal' tone as well, which I was not too keen on.

But when storms quicken, one can't assuage
the howling of their murderous rage.

This I didn't like as much - and I think the main reason for the poem not living up to its first line was the use of rhyme. I think the effect would have been far more powerful had you used free verse, or a looser rhyme - because if you read the lines aloud, the rhyme works fine, but the rhythm is totally off. That annoyed me.

Winged seraphim hold love's trembling hand,
as war roars about our precious land.
But no devotion is as potent as faith,
which will only expand.

The first line of this was okay - interesting, but I thought 'love' seemed our of place alongside the angels in this dark poem. What do you mean by 'war roars about our precious land'? Do you really have a clear idea in mind what this poem should be about, or was it just very vague throughout. Somehow, I think the effect would have been greater were you more specific. And I didn't like how you abandoned the couplet rhyme scheme midway through the poem - it seemed rather haphazard and clunky.

Tonight in flames,
Tonight the world will fear our names.
Stay my feeble heart,
Our dreams will be the start
of something glorious and vain

Again, I actually have little idea of what you're talking about. And the lines 'tonight in flames/tonight the world will fear our names.........' do nothing for me. I mean, I can clearly see they're meant to have a drumroll of a powerful effect, but they fell flat, possibly because it was too obvious that they were meant to have an impact. The shorter lines in that case did little to drive the point home, and seemed a little bare, actually.

I would love to see this poem rewritten without the rhyme scheme, and with a clearer idea of what you want to say. The idea is pretty, but it needs a little more originality than recycling phrases from classical poetry - be creative!

I hope that has helped.