Published April 22, 2010
I made up my own rhyme scheme and wrote this ... and yeah, I know vibrance isn't a word, but I couldn't think of anything else to put.. so criticize! 
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I wake to sleep
and feel my fate through my pain;
I smile to weep
whilst my bitter heart is slain.
I work to lose with no gain.
I speak to be silenced
and die to keep myself sane;
I bleed crimson vibrance
whilst I am scorned with disdain.
I work to lose with no gain.
I live to kill
and hide among the profane;
I lie to fulfill
whilst my blood begins to drain.
I work to lose with no gain.
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140,874 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
I will be honest with you - this piece did very little for me. Probably because it's got a very listless feeling - it doesn't really draw us in as much. So...from the poem point of view, I was not a big fan.
I felt that you could have expanded on your lines a LOT more - 'I wake to sleep' is fascinating, but means hardly anything to me, since I don't really understand it. Don't tell us that you wake to sleep - SHOW us. Wow us with some really new and innovative imagery.
I see you're exploring the concept and nature of paradox right now. So...stick with it, but think about it in less literal terms and more figurative terms. Expand on your ideas, and don't be afraid to write a long poem - or several short ones. Incorporate a story in, maybe, to show us a logical sequence of events.
I'd actually also recommend you putting this under 'lyrics' as opposed to lyric poetry, since it might be interesting if strung on to a tune.
Hope that helps!
I haven't even heard of that song before, but it sounds so similar to what I wrote!
I like this, its deep. Kind of makes me feel better to know I'm not alone. I'm going through a tough time. I'm new on this site, so my review probably doesn't matter. But i like it anyway. Of course it doesn't have to rhyme some of the best pieces Ive read don't rhyme.
I really enjoyed your work, and admire your views of both agony and irony. It reminds me very much of the song "unhearted" by Automatic Loveletter, "I sit in the light to make the dark a little darker. I dance to move only you, and I fight to kiss and make up. I scream for some silence. I laugh to laugh for once, and I'm not there so you notice I'm gone." I'm not saying you in anyway plagiatized, I just really congradulate you on acheiving the same kind of feel to it, because that's not a very easy task. It takes writing from your heart and soul, and fighting to understand and describe the indescribable to write the way you do. Definetely keep writing.
For the repetition. I guess I should have put this poem under lyric poetry because of that, oh well.
Wow! This is really deep! I can really feel the emotion in this poem. And I think is very relateble to alot of people. Keep writing
Hello there, x3!
I like the concept and the idea of your poem. The poem's nice and clean because of how you rhyme, it's good. The flow of the emotions throughout the poem is good also.
One thing:
"I work to lose with no gain."- why do you need to repeat this line twice?
Anyways, keep writing.
-Peace out!
Hey. It is really good. Just remember, you don't [i]need[i] to have your work rhyme, but you can also use it to make what you want to write more powerful.
Anyway, what I do isn't that great anyway. Plus, I don't do that much of dramatic poetry. That's my not even two cents worth. But what you did is very good.