Published June 7, 2010
I remember being
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Canary word: Present
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
hey!! i finally went to your page! i loved this new style of yours, and i think it fits you really well! a few things i thought of when i read this.
hope i helped!
for 'trapped' maybe you could have it squished up on the page somewhere.
for 'pieces' i'd like to see the words scattered around the page like
p
i
e
c
e s
wow that looked bad, but something like that.
maybe make 'life' in caps or a larger font.
have 'nonexistent' be faded. make it gray or something where it barely shows on the paper.
'blank'- maybe white font?
well that's all i got
Well...this is a comment and nothing else!
Great job!!!!
This was really awesome! I loved the style you had it in...it gave me chills.
Ooooh, I love it when writers try something new!
).
As far as the poetry goes, were I to read it all in one go, or maybe even in stanzas, there would be little special about the content of the poem, and the way in which it was handled - sort of like a mix-up of dark emotions and a generally morbid outlook on life. The imagery is...well, nonexistent; and there is a lack of original metaphor or imagery used - but the one thing that made it stand out to me was the layout, so well done for that!
You might like to think about incorporating in something to give it a bit more of a point of difference beyond the layout, just so that it is enticing on second and third reads too, and not just the first time round. I almost think it's too easy to understand it, which may, in part, be the reason for not needing to give it a reread! (When in fact, I would love to, were it more imaginative - something I'm sure you can do, by the look of the layout
Okay, the placement of this word. Why is it floating freely in the middle of the line? It doesn't look trapped to me - it looks quite free, or, at least, in a sort of balance. Maybe it could do with some squeezing, or cramming between two other words, to give it a more cramped effect - more 'trapped,' you know?
Likewise, I'm sure you'll be able to find the other areas to be improved (to act as a clever visual cliche - something we only note if we think about it
Of course, it's good to have some fun with layouts and such - just have a think about how the meaning fits in as well. ^^
I loved your title, thats what drew me into this. I liked it a little though, this poem did not do anything to my emotions to say the least. The spaces and the lines you had made it all confusing but overall this poem was okay. Keep writing.
-M.H. Darling
Very nice .... I'm impressed to say the least. I did find your structure very interesting. I could definitely see someone reading this aloud to me with powerful emotions in their voice because theres no other way to read it. The poem is written with power and voice .. Great job.
Errrr... Your structure is interesting and it reminds of me a spoken poet, doing hand signs and things of the sort while they recited their work. Very nice, I'd ask for some more imagery or something but I don't think it'd help too much here. Nice.
Hello there
I have to say that I am impressed. Now, you just showed me poetry at its level best. I can feel this, the emotion the unique structure, everything. I just love this. Have you ever thought about publishing? Keep up the good work, good job hey.
Ziggie