Young Writers Society

x-Jammie-x wrote:Robin

The quiet countryside of Mersham
Where I watched the birds sing sweetly
And the magpies sleep soundly.
I hop from left to right searching for my friends,
But I can’t find them.
I see a young mischievous boy heading my way,
I fly in the shed and hide in a corner
He follows and scoops me up and carries me away.

I awake the next day, but don’t know where I am,
I look for an escape but there is none,
I’m locked up, in a cage,
Bars all around, I hear a shout
“Mummy, Mummy! He’s awake!!!”I turn around to see 5 or 6 humans staring,Staring at me, I am scared, very scared,
What shall I do? I do not know?

The hatch slips open,
Now’s my chance, I can be free!
I swoop out of the cage and fly round the room
Once maybe twice dodging the hands of panicking humans,
I see an open window,
I dart forwards, with my big red breast puffed out,
“I’m Free, I’m free, IM FREE” I chirp to myself as I fly.
The quiet countryside of Mersham
Where I watched the birds sing sweetly
And the magpies sleep soundly.And where I play happily with my friends
Telling them the story of my adventure.


x-Jammie-x[/u]

Jammie,

I have to agree with Dream above. It starts out well...but it isn't long before the wording takes over. It is very good though, for a first poem post. But, it definitely is a little too wordy. try removing some of the The's, And, I's, Them's, My's...some of those and see where that takes you.

Solid Effort though!

Pretty good for one of your first posted poems, as far as concept goes.

But the wording quickly becomes thick and difficult to get through, let alone stay attentive to. I tend to have the same problem with poetry, but the problem remains - it is extremely wordy. And without any clearly defined rhyme scheme or rhythm, it did not read well.

Perhaps something to look at? ^_~

Good luck on this,

Dream Deep