Hiltings and the Cyclops.
Hiltings was a brave and strong 18-year-old boy. He lived with his mother, Ellen, in the town of Creelwood. Ellen was one of the many women who worked as maid in the palace of the king, Remington Creelman. Her hair was long and was a silky shade of black, unlike Hiltings who had his father’s hair, blonde and came down to his shoulders. Hiltings father died when he was just a little boy, so he does not have many memories of him. But one of the memories he does remember very well was when his father came home from work with a beautiful white horse by his side. The horse was named Snow and Hiltings would ride on her everyday whenever he could.
When Hiltings went to bed Ellen told him the story of the curse that was put over Creelwood. The story of how Remington Creelman managed to trick the Cyclops into giving up the throne to him and banishing the foolish Cyclops to a place that nobody can describe. After the banishing of the Cyclops, Creelman had the towns name changed from Elwood to Creelwood and had killed all of the people that had served the Cyclops. But one man had escaped and found out where the Cyclops was and had him put a curse over Creelman. The curse of which three maids would be taken to the Cyclops and never had anybody been seen again.
Ellen and Hiltings prayed every night and every day that Ellen would never have to go to the Cyclops. But they knew that one day her time would come and she will have to leave her friends and family and be taken away to the Cyclops lair with two other maids.
“Mother, the riding school I’m going to,” Hiltings said, “is it the best in town?”
“ Why of course it is, your fathers wish was for you to be taught by the best! And you do know that he himself always wanted to be able to ride a horse, but his family couldn’t afford it. Why do you ask anyway?” replied Ellen. They were at the palace; Hiltings had come along with Ellen to help with the work, as his riding school had told him he could not go that day.
“Well it’s just that, the way they teach, it’s excellent! But I was thinking…no you will think I am mad!” exclaimed Hiltings, His mother looked at him, he reminded her so much of his father, she came and sat down next to him and said, “Hey, I will never think you are mad! Now come on tell me what you’re thinking,” she responded.
Hiltings told her of his plan, “…and then I can kill the Cyclops, come back home and we will all live happily ever after! It will be hard I know I am aware of that but we’d be free! We wouldn’t have to worry about the curse because there wouldn’t be one!” cried Hiltings, but Ellen hadn’t been listening she was standing up with head bowed down, Hiltings looked to his right and there stood the King. He was intrigued by Hiltings plan and ordered him to follow him into the study.
“When are you leaving?” asked the King, instead of seeing the childish young boy side of Hiltings he saw, the intelligent, brave, strong and determined side of him. The King was very desperate to get rid of the curse, so whenever a chance came he would send a soldier to go and fulfil their plan. But no one had ever succeeded.
“Well, I don’t know yet, in fact I was about to come and ask for permission,” Hiltings said a little bewildered. “Right ok, it’s sorted, you will be taken to the Cyclops with the maids in a weeks time!” replied King Creelman, acting very excited, he dismissed Ellen and Hiltings and told them to go home and celebrate, but that was the last thing Ellen wanted to do. She was very concerned about her son, he was too young to take on a mission like that and if he did not succeed he would most likely to be killed by the Cyclopes. But Hiltings was determined to kill the one eyed creature, no matter how long it took, he would kill the beast.
A week had gone by fast, Hiltings didn’t have much to take with him on the quest. All he had was a shield and a sword that was provided by the King and he had his horse Snow. Hiltings and Ellen gathered with all the other families outside the palace gates, waiting for the King to announce the three maids who were going to the Cyclops. They were told that the names were picked at random but others thought if you hadn’t done enough work or had done something wrong then you will be picked by the King or the Cyclops himself. The King stepped outside of the palace and the whole kingdom went silent, he pulled out a piece of parchment from his robe and read out, “The three maids are,” everybody was praying that it wouldn’t be them, some women were weeping others where clinging to their husbands.
Remington took a deep breath and read out, “The maids are … Lara, Hilda and Ellen.” The three of them were weeping. They watched the King go back inside, ordering the soldiers to prepare for there journey.
“Mother, it will be Ok, I will be there with you. Everything will be ok.” Hiltings said trying his best to comfort her. They were taken by carriage and Hiltings followed on his horse.
They arrived at a little inn called SPEARS where they would rest for the night. But Hiltings refused the offer to stay and rode off with the map leading to the Cyclops. It had been an hour since he had left the inn, and he could already see danger up ahead. He had to ride up a very narrow cliff if he wanted to complete his task, but he rode on up. Going very steadily, he patted his horse to calm her down, feed her, sang to her, but nothing would calm her down. In the end the path had gotten too thin for the both of them to go on so he got of her and walked on.
A while later he slipped. He grabbed hold of the side of the cliff. His feet were dangling below him, trying to find a ledge to push up on, but there was none. He could see something, or someone, flying towards him. It was Athena the Greek goddess of Wisdom, she grabbed hold of him and helped him up, she said
“Hiltings, you have come a long way, you mustn’t stop now. Here are some flying sandal’s put them on and you will not have to worry about falling off the cliff or about taking your time. Also here is a whistle. Blow on it when you need help and I shall come. When you reach the Cyclops, stab him in the eye and you shall kill him. Good Luck my friend.”
Hiltings was confused, but listened to her words. He didn’t have time to ask questions, so he put the sandal’s on and put the whistle in his pocket. He flew over the forests, over the palaces, and over the sea. Until he finally got to the Cyclops Lair.
It was mid-day, the sun was shining down on the golden chalk rocks that formed the Lair. Hiltings landed on the ground and hesitated before entering the cold, dark cave where the Cyclops slept. He couldn’t hear any noises so he stepped around the corner finding the Cyclops standing looking straight at him, he must of heard him coming because he was already in a fighting position. Hiltings felt like running away, but his mother’s life and many others depended on him. He held the sword up high and charged at the beast. But the Cyclops was quick and jumped out the way. Hiltings was surprised by its skill but most of all its height. The Cyclops was thirty foot tall and had one huge eye. Hiltings had no time to study the Cyclops more. It charged at him and knocked him to the floor. His arm was badly wounded and he thought he wouldn’t be able to fight any longer, but he finally found the strength to get up and fight. He ran up to the Cyclops and jumped off a rock flying high up to the Cyclopes head. He brought the sword down into its eye and landed on a rock seven pace’s away from the Cyclops. The Cyclops screamed and fell to the floor, after a few minutes he was dead and the curse was broken. Hiltings took out the whistle and blew on it. Next to him Athena appeared and turned to his arm and instantly heeled it. He thanked her and ran out of the cave. The others would still be travelling so he layed down in the shade and went to sleep.
When he awoke the next day, his mother had just arrived with the two other maids in the carriage. The soldiers stared with amazement. Ellen ran up to Hiltings and threw her arms around him. They were both crying with joy, happy to be back together again.
They returned to Creelwood, and as they entered crowds began to form following them and sending whispers around. Hiltings saw Athena up on a hill with his horse Snow, he waved to her and she waved back sending Snow away to join the gathering crowds.
“THE CURSE IS BROKEN!!” Ellen and Hiltings yelled out again and again, laughing with each other at the startled looks on the faces of people in the crowd.
A year later, Hiltings was made the heir of the throne and also the town’s protector. He and his mother lived in a little cottage not far from the palace. His mother had got married to a man called William and they had had a little girl called Abby. Hiltings played with his sister and taught her how to fight and how to ride Snow.
King Remington enjoyed life now, and the maids would sing while they worked, as there was no curse to worry them. The town was growing and growing as more people had come to settle there knowing there was no curse to scare them away any longer.
x-Jammie-x
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Hey Jammie,
I noticed a few things that could help to improve your piece:
1) When a new character speaks you should start a new paragraph because at the moment it looks run-on and it is quite difficult to see who is speaking and what was said.
2) Use spacing, it helps to read better.
3) The story is rushed as if it was an abridged version of your original work. This is pretty simple but take things slowly so you can get your point across, often you have commas where they aren’t supposed to be or capitalized words.
4) You don’t explain much, for example the story behind the curse is very brief and you could have expanded it by telling the reader how the king managed to trick a Cyclops.
5) I liked the idea of Athena helping Hiltings on his quest but I felt for the Cyclops losing his throne and getting killed for trying to get back at the king (who is the real culprit).
-- Myth