When i'm without him the night feels colder
when i'm with him the days feel stronger
this one person who can change your life forever
for reasons i can see how i need him
for feelings i can see what i see in him
for looking deep into his eyes i love him
this one guy who turns my world upside down
lights up my life when it's grey and gloomy
uses every second of his breath showing me
i'm the one he wants and needs and he is mine
this one guy who i look at and see my future with
not a single guy could ever replace these feelings
not one guy could even have the chance to try
needing someone so badly can be hurtful
one day it could break you so badly
with this guy i know it's ever lasting and true
i know he's mine and i am his
saying i would die for someone may seem hasty
when this feeling is here though never let it go
i can see my future when he stands infront of me
he is my future, my life long plan.
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I agree fully with Sapphire when she talks about punctuation and your capitalizing. Just make sure you do this and it not only makes the poem easier to read, but it also gives it a more professional look.
I think your poem needs more of a structure too, instead of it just being in one big clump. If you do this, it can help create a nice little flow and therefore it could add more drama and emotion into the piece.
You havea good idea but it's not that original - and I'm not a fan of these soppy "love" poems because I just dont see the point in stuffing it with cliches. Try and find something that would add your own twist to the poem and you'll make it tonnes better.
Happy writing!
Hiya, welcome to YWS! I'll just point out there's a rule here that you should review two pieces of work before posting one of your own. All the site rules are under 'Help and Support' at the top of the page.
To the poem! Firstly, 'I' should be capitalised. You should also try to use punctuation (unless it's for effect). It just makes it easier for readers to read!
The problem with this poem at the moment is that it's just a list of statements that don't convey any real emotion. It's difficult to connect to it. How to solve this? Try thinking about poems you've read that have affected you in some way - what was it about them that appealed to you? An interesting simile or metaphor? Unusual vocabulary? They'll help you bring your poem to life.
The ending 'he is my future, my life long plan' is an idea you could think about a little more, and maybe get another poem out of this.