Lay your head here with me sweetheart
look into my eyes and tell me what i need to hear
let me feel your skin on mine
i need you closer to me than ever before
If you leave then never come back to me
crying over you makes me weaker
i tried to leave you but i couldn't dare to
your all i can see my dear, your all i can feel
Why not hit me hard across my cheek?
nothing could possibly hurt as much as this
i would barely notice if your here darling
you already make me tingle whenever your near
Listen to your heart because you won't listen to me
seek my fear and tear me away from it
if i don't have you now, i can't have you ever
i won't let myself loose my pride for your time
I will not become the second choice
i try to show you i would leave it all for you
i feared you would break my heart into tinier peices
please choose me without me telling you too
Just listen to your heart and let it all go
i need to know how you make me dream
let me show you how much i need you back
you have her and i would leave him for us
I want you to turn up at my door telling me i am the one
i need the reason to be because you love me
you want me to wait until you two end, No i won't
i won't loose my pride for the replacement of someone your with
Have me now or not at all
tell me how you feel before it's all gone
these feelings won't last forever
will you loose them when you know i'm the one?
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
First, and this is before I have started to read the actual poem, I just want to point out the punctuational errors. You have a lack of punctuation here, which makes your poem seem a little bland, I must say. By adding a variety, you can make it seem much more dramatic and emotional. Also, remember to capitalize certain letters to give it a more professional look and feel.
You picked a pretty well used theme and that makes the poem boring, and I agree with Kris when he says it's too long. You kind of just.. drabble on about the same things.
You have an okay flow and structure through the poem, so that's good. Top marks on your rhythm and rhyme, it gives the poem a good feel and gnerally makes it a nicer experience to read.
Happy writing!
I thought the sentiment was lovely, and clearly heart-felt. However, I must be honest and say that this was a tw*t to read. The lack of a definite structure or metre, coupled with the absence of much punctuation, made for a difficult read indeed.
It was also a tad too long for me, I dislike long poetry generally - it seemed to go on about not a lot in particular. Could it not be summed up in 3 or 5 stanzas? It will make the message more intense.
Anyway, not a bad effort at all though. I might be, being a tad over critical but these are just my opinions which are worth very little indeed
Love
Kris
x