Published April 11, 2013
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140,252 Literary Works • 673,073 Reviews
If you think you are better than everyone else then you are not thinking right. You also can be kicked off by saying things like this.
honestly, i hope i get kicked off. i really, really don't like this place.
Hello Gey. Jordin here with a review that I hope helps you and my team (So called Hot Sauce and should be called Ketchup battling against the sunami tyrants.) So here goes.
First make this 3-4 line paragraphs not just one huge one and you need a little bit more punctuation.
Here I have re written it maybe this will work out.
Sew my pages together,
And tell my story,
With pale lips and a trembling hand.
Tell them why I have gone.
Read the words,
That curl around your tongue,
Like a sour taste
and let go of them,
Like you let go of me.
Narrate my existence,
Like I was never really there:
Fiction in the real world.
Let tears spill from your fawn eyes.
A deer caught in headlights.
the love of my life.
And so on good job anyway.
Good bye.
Keep writing and good luck.
Hope this helped.
~Jon~
did you really just rewrite my free form poem and add punctuation DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT FREEFORM IS oh my god i hate this site so much you're all so uneducated i'm going to cry
I did not re write it I just advised some changes that may make your writing better.
Free form is one of those things that people often use as an excuse for having no talent, and I'm glad to see some substance finally! It's refined, and your line breaks give this poem a slow, melancholy pacing, like someone picking the petals off a daisy and counting "He loves me. He loves me not." (almost Every line is it's own sentence, but they also spill over into one another regardless of punctuation, which gives it an "elegant confusion" similar to Japanese poetry.
My favorite are the first 2 and last 2 lines.
It being free form, I can't really critique your style, so I can only say I like it
Okay, first thing, right off the bat I notice that there is no capitalization or punctuation. Now, I am not sure whether or not you meant for this as a style of writing, but it would make the piece look cleaner. And even if you did mean for it to be like this, your title should always be capitalized.
I really loved this though! I wasn't exactly sure what I was walking into with the description being what it is, but I am glad I got to read it! Simply beautiful! One other thing I have to mention is your separation of stanzas. Since you don't really write much poetry, it is not a big issue.
But in my opinion, there shouldn't be a separation between the first two lines and the rest of the piece. There should be a separation after "tell them why i'm gone" (I should be capital), and another separation after "like you let go of me". It would make the piece more thought of and put together.
I really loved this piece none the less though. I also noticed that you are new to YWS! Welcome!! I hope that you love it here! After reading this piece, I can see that you are going to post so many other good works! I can't wait to read them!
~Skye~
yeah it's called free form. . . it doesn't have to fit into any poetical standards, which includes punctuation.
and about the title, i direct you to a poem by ee cummings: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anyone_liv ... y_how_town
I honestly love how deep this poem is.
It's wonderful and very inspiring.
Keep up the good work!!