Why am I so stupid,
not to even believe?
That all the world around me,
has nothing to concieve.
They don't know who I am,
but can read me like a book.
they don't even bother,
to give me a second look.
That's the problem with our world,
we don't look deep inside.
Maybe that's the reason why,
to no one we can confide.
*what do u thynk?
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I think that "think" is spelt with an "i"
Echo to Suzanne on everything she said - talk normally, and read more poetry. (And I think its 'Amelia' not 'Amilia' but I don't know.)
Anyways. This is lacking in many things. There is emotion, but it is rather navel-gazing; you focus only on yourself and neglect what the reader is supposed to be feeling. Should I pity you? Cry for you? I don't know. Describe your lover's smile, something about him that you like, something you despise. Hopefully it will start to evoke more response from the reader.
This also lacks imagery. I suppose you know what that is - PM me if you don't - but it will help for you to gain a deeper understanding if you read professional and YWS poetry, okay? So go over to your nearest library, curl up in a chair, and read. It really helps - I know from personal experience, though I'm still an amateur poet.
I hope this helped you somewhat, and PM me if you post a revision!
- Camille
I thynk u shld tak lyke a normyl prsn. Yeah?
This is a writing site, please use real English. I also suggest you crack a collection of poems and read them. Keep in mind that poetry is for the reader, a lot more than the writer.... What do you want your read to feel/think/believe/do when they read this? Try to use metaphors and imagery to paint a picture.
More than anything, read poetry. Some good poets on here are Via, Amilia, Cade, Incandescence, Caligulas_Launderette and Whence.