A beautifully dead angel
By: Emily
A dead angel,
With broken wings.
Stands in front of the ocean,
And beautifully sings.
She’s so gorgeous,
Her long hair tied back.
I could see straight through her,
And her heart was black.
She looked like an elegant shadow,
When angled under the moon.
On and on she wanders,
Singing her lovely tune.
Her eyes were red and weepy,
Her ankles full of much gore.
She waits and waits by the ocean,
For a newly opened door.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
This was a good poem, really great imagery, reminds me of a beautiful painting i once saw in an art gallery..
It was fantastic up to:
This is where the CLICHE! siren went off!
There are a couple of lines that need editing...
Firstly:
1) You've stated earlier that this woman is standing in front of the ocean, so why the inclusion of 'on and on she wanders'? Perhaps I just don't understand...
2) I think 'Singing her lovely tune' is a bit out of sync with the rest of the poem...It's like the kind of thing found in a child's nursery rhyme...I think the problem lies with the word 'lovely', perhaps a different word could be used?
Also...
I DID NOT get this line at all, it just doesn't make sense, I think it's just filler written to rhyme with door...Please change it and you'll have an amazing poem right there
Hmmm...To me it seems like you went only halfway there. There is some good imagery in this poem (again, the seeing straight through her to her black heart bit) but if you want to get any emotion out of the reader, you need to put more of your own into it. Thats more what I mean when I say it seems like you only went halfway. Try and push for that extra bit of emotion, and you can easily make the reader feel whatever you want.
Another quick note: I noticed you made it rhyme, which can be pretty tricky. In these lines specifically "Singing her lovely tune" and "Her ankles full of much gore", it really seems like you were just looking for something to make the rhyme scheme work. See if you can find some other rhymes that would contribute more to your poem and not just be there as rhyming filler.
Again, there is some really great imagery there. Give it a few little tweaks and it'll be even better
-Emily (high five for the same name!)
I expected a little bit more from this poem, but it left me feeling the same as when I started reading it. The concept of it is lovely, the image projected unto the reader is quite nice, but I feel like the reader elaborates more on their own visual image and elaborate on it instead of what was already presented. Hope that makes sense...
There was something I liked about the bit on seeing right through her, an image that was unique and your own.
Keep it up~
Well, personally, I think it was great! I really did like it. I especially liked the last two lines "She waits and waits by the ocean, For a newly opened door." By the way, your avatar is awesome!
Basically? It's a pretty image, and passably executed (although your rhythm and rhyme scheme could use a bit of work), but there's no point to it. What does the reader gain from this? What are they supposed to feel? Because whatever it is, I'm not getting it.
My suggestion would be to branch out a little and try to get your reader involved. You have some good lines here - I especially like "and her heart was black" - and the poem would be much stronger if you really focused on and explored the images instead of dancing around your subject.
Put some effort and emotion into it - go deeper.
Cheers,
~bubbles