Hi! Welcome to YWS. First off, it's one of the Rules on here that before you post anything of your own, you have to have reviewed at least two other stories beforehand. That means a real, constructive review as well, not just, "Zomg, this was great, keep writing!!!" That officially doesn't count. ^_~
It's very much frowned upon to put "Please read!" in your title, so take that out.
You need to put your story in paragraphs, with each bit of dialogue by itself.
See this is what the first part looks like now:
“Your blood pressure looks to be fine. Now, I’m going to check your temperature. Please open your mouth wide.” The doctor put the thermometer in James mouth for a split second and took it out. It said his temperature is normal. “Your temperature is perfect. 98 exactly.” James responded excitedly, “Awesome. I’ve been waiting to get out of this prison for such a long time, man. I was so excited when the guard came up to me and told me I’ll be leaving.” The doctor responded expressionless, “Yeah. Alright, now that I’ve done all this, and checked to make sure you’re healthy, you will just need to be escorted to the sign-out room by these gentlemen.”
This is what it should look like:
“Your blood pressure looks to be fine. Now, I’m going to check your temperature. Please open your mouth wide.” The doctor put the thermometer in James mouth for a split second and took it out. It said his temperature is normal. “Your temperature is perfect. 98 exactly.”
James responded excitedly, “Awesome. I’ve been waiting to get out of this prison for such a long time, man. I was so excited when the guard came up to me and told me I’ll be leaving.”
The doctor responded expressionless, “Yeah. Alright, now that I’ve done all this, and checked to make sure you’re healthy, you will just need to be escorted to the sign-out room by these gentlemen.”
See? You need to lay out your stories on here like they are in books -- it's the same formatting thingy.
I don't gave time to do a full line by liner, but what I did notice when reading this as that you have no emotions and no detail. Think about if you were in James' shoes. A man gets shot in front of him, and James hardly does anything. Put in what he's thinking, feeling. Describe the doctor, describe the guards, put in detail, make us see it, describe the scene!
Points: 1979
Reviews: 1176
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