Published June 29, 2011
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Great job! There was something in this I found captivating. The critique: The other reviewers were correct in that it would be a lot stronger if it were less general. The poetic form wasn't perfect (the line "the urge to run" was short and disrupted the flow a lot), but since it sounds like you don't aim for cookie-cutter poems, there isn't much reason to stress out about poetic form. All that said, the gut-wrenching emotions you expressed grabbed me. It made me curious, wanting to read further, which is one of the first marks of something good. Adding a little more texture (e.g. "pain, so sharp"--where was the pain felt? In the speaker's chest? Stomach?) will improve this too. Seriously though, good job.
Thankyou for your feedback, however when I write a poem i don't notice or care in this matter if i make a grammer error and such. I don't like to go back and redo it for a reason, i like poems that arn't perfect. Thanks anyway.
Hello, I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today1
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.
After edits and stuff...
Overall:
This poem has a lot of grammatical and punctuational errors, to be truthful. It was sort of distracting, so the actual message was hard to understand.
Poems like these are nice, if executed carefully, but I'm afraid that this was too general and didn't give the reader any detail as to *who* you were talking about or *why* you felt this way.
I suggest that you make it longer, add the needed detail in order to give this poem an identity, and try to check for obvious grammar/punctuation mistakes before submitting stuff.
Other than that, nice job!
Keep Writing!
------------------
-Jojo
Okay here it is- This piece was good. I liked the idea behind it. Could relate well, which is why I take such a liking to it.
The emotion in this piece though is pretty flat. You can't feel what the person is feeling. "Show" us...don't "tell" us.
A few things:
What pain? What's causing it? Describe it. Describe how the person feels about it. Do they scream or writhe in it? This is where you get the emotions of this piece across. "Show" us here...
Who's eyes? Tell us more about this. Mom's eyes? Dad's eyes? Sibling's eyes? Friend's eyes? Get into it more. Also explain why this person is disappointing them. It would make the piece much more deep. (You also spell disappointing wrong.)
The rest of this- do the same. Not for every line. Then you'll over do it. Just remember to insert how this person is feeling, what they're thinking. Deepen this piece and people, whether truly or not, will be able to relate and feel like they are feeling what this person is
Also...capitalize, capitalize, capitalize!
Great idea and structure so far,
-Brie♥