I miss the way things used to be, before the wars, before the famine. Before, when he could entwine his tail with mine, before we were ripped apart, when the little things still mattered.
When the invasions came, the creatures without fur, the creatures with gruff voices, the voices that still haunt me, they fought us. We struck back, we the creatures with many a tooth and claw. But they were the creatures with many cages, weapons. The cage I sit within to write of the repulsive years. Years when the furred ones were wiped off the earth. Then, by plague, the last of the furless, disappeared.
I remained confined to my cage, and he to his. We could see but never touch, smell but never feel. Every day I would bite the iron bars of my cage, until it hurt too badly. Until the pain of my jaw shook me, until I gave in. I gave in to my own sleep. But he never would. He chewed his bars until he bled, until he ached of sorrow and exhaustion. The clang of his teeth against the metal stopped one day at high sun. I peered between the bars of the cage, and there, he lay. Barely on the barren earth, he lay. He laid there scarcely breathing, then stood, grunting, and came towards me. My clear blue eyes shimmered with tears; my pelt was rusted with blood. He carefully, as it clearly induced great agony, shook the door open. Then he collapsed. I clawed my way from the cage, and stood before his unmoving body. I pushed his nose with my own. Nothing. And I cried, cried for great heaven to save my beloved. He shook and shivered. I placed my paw to his. He grasped it.
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130,255 Literary Works • 671,512 Reviews
I love how you really bring things to life you use many sensory details and really get the reader Into the writing.
thanks!!
I love how you really bring things to life you use many sensory details and really get the reader Into the writing.
Dear writerspen,
This is my first review so it may not be good.
This is an amazing story that shows animal cruelty. Like Eferhilda said, it feels like an excerpt and you should have written more. I like how you used 'show not tell" in the second paragraph. The last part was nice I liked how it wasn't rushed and how it explained what happened without directly saying it. Again, "shw not tell" Overall it was really good.
~iLikeToWriteStuff
thanks!!!
This was meant to be a review so I reposted it to be one.
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This felt like it could have been the excerpt to a larger book or story. You know that taste of what would happen in the pages to come. I wanted to know more about these furred beasts, I wanted to know more about their history and what they were before the war. There is so much here in this short piece that I want to know more and would love to read more if you have more to share?
This felt like it could have been the excerpt to a larger book or story. You know that taste of what would happen in the pages to come. I wanted to know more about these furred beasts, I wanted to know more about their history and what they were before the war. There is so much here in this short piece that I want to know more and would love to read more if you have more to share?
I wish it was just an excerpt... but alas, it is not. I MIGHT write more someday, but until then, it's just a story...
Hello Writerspen,
So I'm kind of on a review binge right now (or at least I am going to try and be) but anyways, I noticed you didn't have any reviews so I thought I would give my opinion.
Firstly, I believe you used the word 'before' to many times in the first little paragraph. It just makes your writing look clunky and it gets hard to read.
I really like how you write the second paragraph, I love to how you tell of the tail between human and 'beast'. Though at first I had to kind of read it a couple more times to fully grasp what you were saying.
Overall I thought this story was a hit, though I think you could make it longer. Honestly if it was longer then I think it would be ten times as good. But anyways, don't let me get you down... you did an amazing job!
I knew I used "before" too many times! (Should've changed that!!) thanks for your review!!!!!
Ah, for some reason I accidentally submitted my review twice... sorry ^ ^' Please don't pay attention to that...
Hi there, friend!
Jen here to review your nice little short story. Thanks for dropping by to read my poem, by the way. I hope you had a fun time with that.
Anyways, to start things off, I really liked your short story, and the topic and theme it portrays. It is heartwarming yet tragic, short yet thoughtful. To be honest, this simple tale can symbolize a lot of the things that happen in our reality as well. That's a very admirable aspect.
Also, I liked your sentence structures and some wording. Though, this is also where I found some of your writing's greatest faults. For one thing, some of the sentences near the beginning are a little bit too long-drawn:
"When the invasions came, the creatures without fur, the creatures with gruff voices, the voices that still haunt me, they fought us. We struck back, we the creatures with many a tooth and claw."
There are a lot of dependent clauses in these two sentences. It's also noticeable that the first sentence is somewhat awkward and grammatically incorrect. The only independent clause is "they fought us", and the rest are all linked the that. It will make more sense (and flow better) if it were to be reworded as:
"When the invasions came, the creatures without fur-- the creatures with gruff voices, which still haunts me to this day-- fought us." It sounds better, and is grammatically correct. However, it may not go well with the feeling you are trying to set up, so tweak the original however you want. As for the second sentence, a dash would work better than a coma, like such: "We struck back-- we the creatures with many a tooth and claw." The "many a tooth and claw" also seems a little off, but I understand what you are trying to say, and it does give a little something special to the setting, so keeping it as it is is fine. Similar problems occur all throughout the story, so you might want to reread it carefully with that in mind. Getting into the right atmosphere is fine, but using a lot of dependent clauses paired with a pile of simple sentences (mostly in the last paragraph) can throw a lot of readers off.
That's the biggest problem I found with your work. Other than that, please pay heed to diction, syntax, and other such details. You have a beautiful idea, so please continue to expand on it (well, not length-wise. The length of this story is pretty perfect).
Overall, your story is thoughtful, imaginative, and decently well crafted. Keep up the good work, and I will look forward to hearing from you again in the future!
p.s. Welcome to YWS! This was a great start for your junior career in writing! XD
Thanks!! I will try that next time!!
Hi there, friend!
Jen here to review your nice little short story. Thanks for dropping by to read my poem, by the way. I hope you had a fun time with that.
Anyways, to start things off, I really liked your short story, and the topic and theme it portrays. It is heartwarming yet tragic, short yet thoughtful. To be honest, this simple tale can symbolize a lot of the things that happen in our reality as well. That's a very admirable aspect.
Also, I liked your sentence structures and some wording. Though, this is also where I found some of your writing's greatest faults. For one thing, some of the sentences near the beginning are a little bit too long-drawn:
"When the invasions came, the creatures without fur, the creatures with gruff voices, the voices that still haunt me, they fought us. We struck back, we the creatures with many a tooth and claw."
There are a lot of dependent clauses in these two sentences. It's also noticeable that the first sentence is somewhat awkward and grammatically incorrect. The only independent clause is "they fought us", and the rest are all linked the that. It will make more sense (and flow better) if it were to be reworded as:
"When the invasions came, the creatures without fur-- the creatures with gruff voices, which still haunts me to this day-- fought us." It sounds better, and is grammatically correct. However, it may not go well with the feeling you are trying to set up, so tweak the original however you want. As for the second sentence, a dash would work better than a coma, like such: "We struck back-- we the creatures with many a tooth and claw." The "many a tooth and claw" also seems a little off, but I understand what you are trying to say, and it does give a little something special to the setting, so keeping it as it is is fine. Similar problems occur all throughout the story, so you might want to reread it carefully with that in mind. Getting into the right atmosphere is fine, but using a lot of dependent clauses paired with a pile of simple sentences (mostly in the last paragraph) can throw a lot of readers off.
That's the biggest problem I found with your work. Other than that, please pay heed to diction, syntax, and other such details. You have a beautiful idea, so please continue to expand on it (well, not length-wise. The length of this story is pretty perfect).
Overall, your story is thoughtful, imaginative, and decently well crafted. Keep up the good work, and I will look forward to hearing from you again in the future!
p.s. Welcome to YWS! This was a great start for your junior career in writing! XD