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Ghostly Alley; Chapter two

by writerkitty


I withdrew a small glass orb from my jacket and threw it towards the ghostly old hag. I’ve been doing things like that for quite awhile now, so it hit her squarely in the face.

Practice makes perfect they say. 

The old hag screamed with pain as the orb broke and sent droplets of acid flying all across her withered face.

That’s when the death wave activates. Every time a soul eater’s injured, a wave about a meter high appears out of nowhere and moves like a dark gooey wave until it reaches a dead end.Death waves may look harmless, but once you get into contact with them, you’re dead. I’ve seen a lot of people die because of the death wave. And trust me, it’s pretty nasty.If someone gets into contact with it; the gooey substance immediately starts to cover the person with the tar-like substance and suffocate to them to death.

Luckily, the girl obeyed my orders and jumped right in time, narrowly missing the gooey substance that slithered below her and vaporized as it reached the dead end. And unluckily, she collapsed as she reached the ground.

Great, can’t she stay conscious for a few more minutes? Now I’ll have to carry her…and I have an aching back…

I let go of my rope and ran towards the unconscious girl. The old lady was now crouched on the ground, painfully mourning as she touched her face.

“Oh come on, it ain’t that bad you old hag, it’s not like you were prettier before,” I said as bent down and lifted up the girl using my skinny hands.

Man, she’s heavy…

She let out a low groan but didn’t wake up as I picked her up. She was unharmed, but her face looked weary.

“Who-o-oo a-a-are you-u-u?” The lady hissed, coping with the flesh torrid pain. 

“Just your unfriendly neighborhood, Jack Matthews,” I said scornfully as I carried the girl towards the rope.

I knew it wasn’t safe, but I didn’t have any other choice.

Soon, the other soul eater’s would come to help their friend and I was flat out of orbs. I tied the rope around the girl’s waist, she groaned as I did so. That’s when I properly saw her face. She had a round face and a small pointy nose along with dazzling short brown hair that reached up to her neck. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen another human being…a living human being.

I gave the rope a small tug and immediately the rope was pulled upwards. Did I mention that I’m a good climber too? After years of practice, I managed to learn how to climb these brick walls pretty easily. Most of them were stained with blood, but that ain’t a problem one you get used to it.

I reached the top before the girl. I let out a deep sigh and joined Emmott, my minion who was puffing like a tried dog as he tried to pull her up. “She’s heavy,” He breathed.

“Yep,” I agreed, snatching away the rope from him, “and  pretty too."

Emmott smiled, or at least I think he smiled. Emmott’s my only companion in this Maze. He’s been my friend for more than ten years now. He’s not human, nor demon. He’s more like an oversized stone boar with two small wings on his back. And he’s half as tall as a normal person.

He kept telling me that he was a mistake. A mistake that the Maze wanted to get rid of, but I think he’s the only right thing the Maze has ever created.

I finally managed to lure the girl up. I then carried her until we reached our small hideout; a small cave like structure formed by the combination of a number of walls coming from each direction and meeting at one single point. The interior was small, but it had enough space for the three of us. I rested her on a stone slab, making sure that she won’t fall off.

“Is she dead?” Emmot asked staring at her with sparkling eyes.

“Nah, just unconscious,” I replied searching the cave for more orbs. “That old hag scared her to death.”

“Or did you scare her to death?” Emmott asked with a grin.

“Me?” I snapped, “I saved her you pig!”

“Hey, hey hey, don’t cha’ call me pig,” He said turning red with anger, but it died down quickly because the girl let out another groan. Emmot’s shouting must’ve woken her.

“Stay behind me Emmott, we don’t want to scare her again,” I said cautiously.

Emmott muttered something in his own language but hid behind me.

The girl opened her eyes slowly, “What...happened?"

“Long story short, you lived,” I said with a smile.

The girl blinked several times to get a proper image of me, that’s when I realized that she had chocolate brown eyes. Mine were seaweed green.

“You!” She let out a scream as she jumped to a sitting position, “You were speaking in my mind”

“Technically,” I started, but was cut off by her shout.

“Where am I? What is this place, and who are you- “ She let out another scream as Emmott came into view. “Heya there!”

He just had to introduce himself, didn’t he.

“What on earth is that?” She screamed, moving to the far end of the stone slab.

I scratched my head, “Well, um,”

Who thought that explaining everything to a fellow human being would be this hard?


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CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there writerkitty. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I saw that your chapter had been floating in the back of the green room for awhile. I have not read the previous chapter so my apologies in advance if I make a couple of wrong guesses here.

First Thoughts
1. The splitting up of the lines at the beginning confused me a little bit because it was like every line was being treated as dialogue or thought. Some of the actions there look like they could be grouped together for an easier read through. I just think it's easier to group things together rather than skip a line after each new sentence.
2. Of the paragraphs you do have later on, they don't flow very well. They are really choppy and you don't have a good mix of sentence structure. I have messed this up myself enough times, believe me when I say it's necessary.
3. There are some thoughts that you seem to repeat a bit and that bothered me as well. Just little details that are unnecessary or get repeated twice in a sentence. I'll explain more about this point later on.

First Lines: 2nd Chapter Edition[b]

I withdrew a small glass orb from my jacket and threw it towards the ghostly old hag. I’ve been doing things like that for quite awhile now, so it hit her perfectly on the face.

Practice makes perfect they say.

1. The 'practice makes perfect' part looks like a character thought to me so I went ahead and put some italics code around it. I like to separate thoughts by using italics rather than repeating 'he thought' and 'she thought' over and over again. Also on the use of perfect/perfectly, you might not want to repeat it twice in such a short space. It just looks a bit odd to me and I think you might want to change it. I do have one version of rewording but I'll be putting it down below.
2. So for the second sentence, it doesn't sit quite right with me and I have a possible re-wording for you. To me it just sounded sort of boasting and stuck up but maybe that was the feel you were looking for in this character. I also switched the 'that' to a 'this' because it seemed to fit better with something that happened 10 seconds ago rather than a tale told in reflection some time later.
I have been doing activities like this for quite awhile now and I managed to hit her squarely in the face.


[b]Some Individual Line Thoughts
The old hag screamed with pain as she the orb broke and sent droplets of acid flying all across her ugly face.

1. Until I really get into the dialogue, I'm going to continue doing the comments just line by line. Just thought you should know how I'm going to do this before I go anywhere else.
This is another spot where you seem to repeat yourself with some details. Usually when someone is a 'hag' they're quite 'ugly'. That's really the definition of hag. So I don't think you need to mention both. But if you want some sort of description of her face try 'withered' or 'creased' or something like that.
2. The stuff in red above in the quote is what I think is a fix and the blues are suggestions. Going to continue with that throughout the next set of lines.

That’s when the death wave activates. Every time a soul eater’s injured, a wave about a meter high appears out of nowhere and moves like a dark gooey wave until it reaches a dead end.
Death waves may look harmless, but once you get into contact with them, you’re dead. I’ve seen a lot of people die because of the death wave. And trust me, it’s pretty nasty.
If someone gets into contact with it; the gooey substance immediately starts to cover the person with the tar-like substance and suffocate to them to death.

1. These were one of the sets of lines that I think you could have grouped together because they are all relating to the same topic. They are all revealing information about death waves and their affects on living humans/creatures. If you don't put them all together in one paragraph, at least only do single line spaces rather than double ones, just so they're a touch closer together.
2. These sentences provide a good amount of information to the reader without being to info dumpy. Good job on that and actually making it interesting to read.

Luckily, the girl obeyed my orders and jumped right in time, narrowly missing the gooey substance that slithered below her and vaporized as it reached the dead end.
And unluckily, she collapsed as she reached the ground.

1. Again, same advice as last time but why not mention it again. These ones should probably be combined because they are talking about the exact same event and are happening within seconds of each other. They're not separate thoughts and the also don't look good separate. All depends on what you want to do with your formatting.

I'm beginning to repeat myself here so I'm just going to put some summary points and then move on to the dialogue. I really don't like to repeat myself to much so I'll try and keep it brief.
1. Change the thoughts over to dialogue. Even though you're telling this from first person and people can tell the thoughts from the descriptions, it's always nice to keep them marked off. It is less confusing for both the reader and the author. Just my opinion on it, do what you will.
2. Combine some sentences to form paragraphs here and there. I already explained in detail above so let's just get a move on to the dialogue.

Lights, Camera, Dialogue!
“Oh come on, it ain’t that bad you old hag, it’s not like you were prettier before…” I said as bent down and lifted up the girl using my skinny hands.

1. You use ellipsis a lot in your writing and I doubt that half of them were necessary. In this spot it works somewhat but still feels off. It might be better to go with a comma or change up the ending to fit the ellipsis. Like have the main character stop mid thought to grunt over the girl's weight and then say something else to the old hag.

“Who….are…you?” The lady hissed, trying to get over the pain.

1. Again, this many ellipsis in such a short amount of time is probably not necessary. I would try and go with stretching the words out a bit, like how it would sound if someone was actually hissing. For example: "Who-o-oo a-a-are you-u-u?" You know just something like that to give the effect of hissing.
2. Try going with something not so ordinary as 'trying'. Maybe go with 'coping with the flesh searing pain' or something else really descriptive.

“Just your unfriendly neighborhood, Jack Matthews,an” I said carrying scornfully as I carried the girl towards the rope.

1. Yeah I have no clue what the reason for the 'an' is. It sounds like you were started to add something else, going to intentionally leave a hanging thought, and then never circled around to write it out better. If you could just explain that to me so it doesn't keep wracking my brain, that would be great.

Okay now that we're at the end of that dialogue, just let me stop and think about how to go about this. I'm starting to bore you a bit with this review, aren't I? I've started to write them longer and longer recently but I'll be out of your hair soon enough.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam!
*coughs*
Paragraphs, Paragraphs, Paragraphs!
Soon, the other soul eater’s might come to help their friend and I was out of orbs. I tied the rope around the girl’s waist, she groaned as I did so. That’s when I properly saw her face. She had a round face and a small pointy nose along with dazzling short brown hair that reached up to her neck. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen another human being…a living human being.

1. If I were you, I would try and write this as more definite and as the character is sure what is going to happen if he stays in the alleyway too long. I've got one way to reword it that might work for you and your style, might not.
Soon enough the other soul eaters would come to help their friend and I was flat out of orbs.

2. Not even going to complain about the ellipsis even though it looks wrong. I'll leave you to judge those for yourself because I'm tired of mentioning them.
3. The character is quickly switching between all of these different emotions, which is a fun way to write things but will also prove to be a major pain in the butt down the road for your character. Be careful how you write the main character now because you have to be careful about conflicting stuff 20 chapters from now. Just trying to warn you about some of the traps and quick sand you're setting for yourself.

I gave the rope a small tug, and immediately the rope was pulled upwards. Did I mention that I’m a good climber too? After years of practice, I managed to learn how to climb these brick walls pretty easily. Most of them were stained with blood, but that ain’t a problem one you get used to it.

1. I don't have that much really to say on this one, it just seems so much easier to paste things down here rather than try and explain the spot I'm looking at. Don't think the comma is necessary there before the 'and' in the first bit of the sentence. There isn't really a reason that you would want to be pausing there, well as far as I know of.
2. The walls stained with blood part is actually quite funny to me though I really doubt it was intended to be written that way. I'm reading the parts about being stuck in a maze and this whole thing is starting to make a lot more sense to me. Sort of something similar to the Predator movies. Or what's the one that everybody but me has read? It'll come to me in a couple of days and I'll update these comments.
3. Your character sounds rather boastful so I guess that was the outlook you were looking for, for him. That is a bit of an odd stance for an author to write for a main character. Usually if they make them asses, they make the characters realize they are in fact asses.

That sort of hits the end of my comments on your paragraphs for now. I better be switching back to some of that dialogue before I go, though I doubt I'll get all the way through it without repeating myself. Once I say everything that needs to be said, I'll be on my way.

Lights, Camera, Dialogue! Scene 2
“Is she dead?” Emmot asked staring at her with sparkling eyes.
“Nah, just unconscious…” I replied searching the cave for more orbs. “That old hag scared her to death.”
“Or did you scare her to death?” Emmot asked with a grin.

1. So I really like Emmot already because he seems the sort of character I would be relating to in the book except for being the mythical half this half that beast. I can't relate to that very well but I'm sure there are lots of readers who will.
(^Have you noticed the jokes yet? Because that was one right there.^)
2. Even with some of the dialogue, you might want to stick just to the single spaces because it connects the thoughts more.

“Me?” I snapped, “I saved her you pig!”
“Hey, hey hey…don’t cha’ call me pig.” He said turning red with anger, but it died down quickly because the girl let out another groan.

1. This has to be one of the best jokes I have come across in a long time. I mean I'm assuming with the lead up that you gave to this, that it was meant as a joke. If it wasn't, I am so sorry you don't think it is.

“Stay behind me Emmot, we don’t want to scare her again," I said cautiously.


The girl opened her eyes slowly, “What…happened….”

“Long story short, you lived.” I said with a smile.

1. Again with the ellipsis. And I really don't think they were necessary here. I really would recommend go with stretching out the words a bit and adding on a question mark in the place of one of those.

And this is where my comments stop because I'm just going to keep saying the same things over and over again. I don't want to bore you anymore, so I'm going to be on my way now. Thanks for the lovely chapter.
Have a nice day!
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs




writerkitty says...


Thank you so much for the wonderful and really helpful review!! :D
It really showed out most of my errors and silly mistakes. Also, I totally agree with the 'using too many ellipsis problem' ^^ I'll go ahead and fix it.

And um... I have no idea why I wrote that 'an' in that dialogue.. >.< Sorry about confusing you.

:O Thanks again for spending so much time to review my story, it really means a lot to me.
I hope you have a wonderful day! :)



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Sun Nov 27, 2016 4:52 pm
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Eternity wrote a review...



Hey there, Kilg here to do a review!

Spoiler! :
long time no talk, mate.


I really enjoyed reading this story, and can't wait to read more. I have a few grammar mistakes here and there to help point out but that's really all. ^^

---

“Just your unfriendly neighborhood, Jack Matthews,an” I said carrying scornfully as I carried the girl towards the rope.


This confused me a bit because there's just ",an" there and I don't think it's supposed to be. Also, "carrying scornfully" is confusing me as well. I'd just reread and fix it to how you want it ^^

“Yep,” I agreed taking the rope from him, “and a pretty too…”

I think you could get rid of the "a".

There are a few more small mistakes, and I don't wanna tear this piece up entirely, so I would just go back and reread, fixing any mistakes you see. Other than that, everything else is fine. I do think that you can add more detail about characters, descriptions of scenery, and things like that, but other than that well done.

Have a wonderful day, and keep on writing!
~Kilg




writerkitty says...


Spoiler! :
Yeah! We haven't talked in a while, gotta fix that


Thank you so much for the review!! :)



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Wed Nov 02, 2016 1:13 pm
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DeadlyAF says...



Hey! I'm really loving this story so far. Although there are some grammatical mistakes. But it's a great story and the plot is really intriguing. You're really a great writer. I'm hoping to read more soon. ^.^




writerkitty says...


^_^ Thank you so much! I'm glad you like it!!



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Great wok pal! Waiting anxiously for the next chapyo be out!




writerkitty says...


Haha thank you! :D




The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.