Published July 3, 2016
“Okay fine, just shut me in! Like, that’s going to make things any worse!” All that shouting whisked me away from my deep slumber. I got up with a start and bumped my head hard against the wooden rack which was right above my head. “Ouch…” I muttered. Why do they even have a rack like that in a prison cell? I mean it’s not like I’m going to keep anything there.
The sound of a metal door open and close with a loud ‘clunk’ proved that another prisoner was brought in. I heaved a deep sigh and rubbed my throbbing head. My cell was extremely small. Thick gray, concrete walls separated me from the outer world. Like, the outer world is any better than this.
The only opening, which was closed using a metal door opened and a guard wearing silver clothing stepped in. He folded his arms and studied my cell. “You’ll be out tomorrow, so don’t cause any trouble,” he grunted. “We have enough trouble with crimes already.”
I didn’t say anything but nodded. Arguing with the guards was always a bad idea. The guard’s silver clothing made my eyes hurt. He was wearing a weird metal helmet so I didn’t see his face, but I can tell that he was annoyed.
He left, locking the door behind him.
I got off my bed and pressed my ear against the cold solid wall. Maybe the new prisoner was in the cell next to me. Nothing, I didn’t hear anything. The low sound of the swirling wind echoed in my ears. I felt alone again. That’s something I didn’t feel for a long while. Being alone, was something I was used to.
The small white ceiling light above my head flickered a little, but to my relief, it didn’t burn off.
“I’m so stupid!” The same voice I heard before broke the silence. It was coming from the cell next to mine. It was a girl’s voice, most probably the voice of a girl who’s in her teens.
With a sudden rush of excitement and a skipping heart, I opened my mouth to speak, “Hello?”
The girl stopped talking for a moment. I heard a few quick footsteps coming towards my direction.
“Um, is there somebody there?” Her voice sounded much clear now.
I nodded and quickly got the fact that she can’t see me. “Yes,” I said quickly.
I heard a low sigh, “What are you in for? Killed someone?” The tone of her voice changed suddenly, she seemed to be suspicious about me.
Killed someone! Didn’t she know that this section was for the ‘N’ branded prisoners? “No,” I replied.
She didn't reply, I thought to speak again, “I didn’t…”
“Shhh,” She cut in. “Look you might be some kind of a guard who’s trying to take information from me! So stop talking with me you weirdo, I can’t see you and I don’t trust the things I don’t see.”
Her voice sounded harsh and startling. Our conversation died down just like that. I slumped down against the wall and brushed back a few strands of wet brown hair from my eyes. The cell was getting too warm. That’s no miracle, with no trees around, you really can’t expect a cool environment.
The new prisoner was harsh, but she did have a point. She can’t trust me and I can’t trust her. Humans are different now, no one can be trusted these days.
I dragged myself to my solid hard metal bed. I settled myself on it again and closed my eyes. Being an ‘N’ branded prisoner was a shame for most people, but for me, it was like a medal. I was never ashamed to do the right thing.
Nature doesn’t need us, we need Nature. It just doesn’t belong to us! Why can’t they get it? I mean sure, they’re saying that there’s another Earth and we don’t have to worry destroying this one. But how can they know about it for sure?”
“What?” Another voice erupted in my head. It was the girl’s voice. “Oops, wrong head I guess…” I heard her voice again.
I opened my eyes and scanned the room. Her voice sounded so near! But she’s in the other cell, there’s no way she could’ve talked to me…and how did she read my thoughts?
“How did you?” I sputtered. I’m perfectly sure that the voice came from my head.
The girl didn’t answer. Was I dreaming? I scrambled to my feet and ran towards the wall. “Shut up and don’t do anything stupid. I’ll tell you about it later…” Her stern voice echoed in my head again. I froze like a statue. How on earth did she do that? I didn’t know that telepathy was even possible!
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140,653 Literary Works • 673,582 Reviews
I can't do any better than these reviews, but PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU UPDATE. I'm so intrigued!
Your reviews are awesome!
I'm glad you like my story, I'll be sure to let you know when I update it! ^^
YUSSSS!
Hihi, I'm finally here!
The way this is written makes your dialogue at the beginning a little confusing. I thought it was our MC saying this at first, and only realised it was an outside prisoner a few paragraphs later. I'd suggest you start a new line where I've bolded here.
How would anyone be able to tell? I sort of get how, but I think you could write this a little better. Describe her voice e.g. note how it's notably high, and then go on to have your MC think hm, she sounds young, or something similar.
So this was super interesting! I love stories with cool super powers and what not in them, especially when it comes to psychic stuff. The setting of this story is crazy intriguing too, and I can't say I've read much teenage fiction that's set in a prison. It certainly adds an interesting element to the story, and I look forward to finding out how you'll develop this idea. I can't predict where this will go at the moment, which is a good thing, so if you decide to keep writing this then it'll be interesting to see. Reading this has been really awesome in the sense that I remember the first stuff you posted here, and I can already see great improvement in this from then. So yeah, an interesting start on the whole
I have a few critiques/questions to note, so let's get right into them! It seems odd to me that your MC and this new prisoner could hear each other through each others' cells (as in physically speaking, not the telepathy!) Not that I've ever been in one (well, not yet anyway), but it's pretty common knowledge that prison cell walls are extremely thick, and also very concrete. As such, or these two to be able to physically hear each other seems odd. It came across as though the doors to their cells are single, heavy ones as opposed to metal bars and what not (plus the whole metal bars thing only really happens in movies and not in, like, real life unless it's a small, county jail or something). Just a few logistics there to maybe consider!
Secondly, I found the telepathy a little confusing at first, and I didn't understand what was going on. I realise that's (partly) the point, but I do think that would benefit from some clarity. I think it's partly because I'm a little unsure on who said what, and without realising it was all telepathic at first, that confused things even further. For example, I had to read this part a few times to realise that it was your MC's internal monologue (and I'm still not 100% sure):
If this is indeed your MC's internal monologue, why is it italicised? The rest of her narration, which is also internal monologue, isn't italicised so why this part? I think you've done it to create more of an impact when the other girl interacts with her, but it doesn't really make sense to do it, and only makes things a bit more confusing. Then again, it could be the other girl who says the above... I can't be totally sure. Whatever the case, I do think you need to make this telepathy thing more clear. As well as it confusing your more confusable readers (AKA, me), it'll help create a stronger impact at the end of the chapter.
That's all I have, anywho. Critiques aside, you've got a good thing going here, and it'll be interesting to see where you decide to take this. I'd definitely encourage you to keep writing it because I think you've got a potentially very intriguing, original story here. You always write unique stuff, so stick at it!
Keep writing,
xoxo S(k)ins
Thank you so much!!!
This review not only helped me to improve my writing, but it also helped me to keep writing! To be honest I was going to give up writing this because of a number of reasons. But after reading your review, I think I'm going to continue it. Thank you so much, Sins! This review really means a lot to me!
I hope you have an awesome day/night!
Oh fantastic, I'm glad I made you reconsider! Never give up, I always say
Remind me to review this on review day this month.
Will do!
Hey, writerkitty! I'm Artemis28 at your service, here for a review.
Let's begin, shall we?
In this part right here you use quickly twice in two sentences. That's one more than necessary; maybe "swiftly" or "speedily" would work?
"I nodded and quickly got the fact that she can’t see me. “Yes,” I said quickly."
This main character is presumably a male, but I'm not sure of his age. Right here you say "no one can be trusted these days." This makes me wonder if the main character knew better humans a decade ago, or maybe just a few years. How old is this guy? How long has he been in here?
"Humans are different now, no one can be trusted these days."
The ending was a bit sudden to me. This main character just finds out that this girl's telepathic, and it ends with a silent exclamation from him. Could you round it out more, maybe say that he fell asleep thinking about it or something?
Overall this piece was pretty good. I love that this girl is telepathic; I think that would be really cool in a story. So keep writing and improving and I can't wait to see more of this!
XOX,
Artemis28
Thank you so much for this review!
Hi Hunith here
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Heads up: This REVIEW may sound Harsh.
i'm going to assume this is your first work since i don't see any link in your clipboard( i may be wrong). i think this is an interesting story which i sure would love to see where it heads.
But lets get to business.
look here:
using first person can sometimes be troublesome, though it makes the reader attuned to the story in ways that a narrative couldn't. In your work, as you can see above, you ended up mixing first person continuous with first person narrative.
that paragraph should have been:
The same thing could be seen here:
the italicized should have been could.
And here:
i think you should check this when you're writing. #don 't fret, it actually happens to all of us.
Another thing was that, your work lacked a measure of description that would help the reader vividly see the disposition of the main character. simply put, you didn't describe the scene enough.
how was the prison like?
where's the toilet?
talk about the prison door; can you see through or is it all metal?
talk about other cells; can the main character see other cells through his door?
what's the atmosphere in there? does it stink?
what's the lighting? how does it affect sight?
how many prisoners are around?
This is just something small to highlight my point. clear descriptions makes the reader understand the conditions of any given scene. i think you should work on that.
This is another thing i spotted.(i know it maybe unnecessary)
The diction and tone of your characters is very important. the words they use, go a long way to describe who they are. for me personally, i felt the words of the guard wasn't guard-like enough. it sounded like an old Gardner instead of like a guard - a prison guard for that matter.
instead of "we have enough trouble with crimes already it could have been
"if i find anything suspicious, even the slightest" he turned his back and tipped his helmet "you're gonna rot in here for the rest of your worthless life"
you see how those two tell a difference in character. without even reading the whole chapter, one can easily tell that, the speaker works in a prison. plus in your work you made this connection.
look at this:
so this only buttresses what i said. An angry prison would certainly have a memorable tone.
One last thing before i get off your back is
i don't really know, since you havent shown it. but i think the main character is a male. if i'm correct, then, what kind of prison puts males and females in the same block? if not correct, then that's fine.
All right, i think by now you get what i've said so far. Thing is, this story has great potential. if you will clean up the edges the polish it a bit. it would be irresistible.
P.S: sorry if i sounded harsh. i tend to sometimes be overly interested in people's work.
But hey, you are good. you've got skill. keep up
signing out:
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Thanks so much for this review, it was super helpful!! You didn't sound harsh at all!
I'll make those changes right away!