Published February 26, 2010
This is one of the poems that I made before. I'm not much of a good writer but I aim to be one. I hope you like it. Please comment/criticize on it as much as possible, so that I could learn.
My Prince
Your perfect smile that brights up my day,
It makes me happy all the way.
Your eyes, beautiful as they are,
I want to look straight at them each and every hour.
Your always amazing hair,
And skin that's so smooth and soft,
I want to hold whenever I'm glad or in despair.
Your humor that never makes me stop laughing,
Is one thing about you that I'm absolutely loving.
You wittiness that never stops,
Makes not only me but everyone's hearts pop!
A living specially made sculpture,
A masterpiece in my eyes.
An art made by the best artist,
A person that when, it comes to handsomeness,
Beats down Adonis.
Whenever I hear, you deep voice, whether your speaking or saying,
It makes me want to stay and hear what I'm hearing.
Your gentlemanly ways makes me feel special,
Like a princess made just for you.
Well, I guess because you're a prince.
A prince that I love.
I really do.
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Hey there! Tigress here and ready to reveiw.
First, you had a hard time making the poem flow. I couldn't read it through without stopping at every other line because something sounded...off. I suggest that you read through this aloud (yes, it really does help!) and I'm sure you'll catch the words that don't belong. In fact, you can even do it without changing some of your sentences. For example:
See how this flows better, just by taking out a few unnessecary words and adding one or two words that just fit in better.
Second, there is little to no imagery. And for poetry, imagery is a must.
In this, all I see is overused, cliche adjectives. The red words are some choices that should help a little more. Now, those still aren't as good as I know you can make them, but it's just a few examples to give you an idea. (;
Last, I noticed that sometimes you'd make your words ryhme and either the rhyme sounded forced or it just didn't fit right. I suggest you take out the rhyme completely. There, that I could tell, wasn't a set rhyme scheme and I don't think you need one here either.
Well, I hope that I helped and please continue on with this!
~Tigress!
I really liked your poem but there was just a few things:
The words sound out of order a bit. Maybe try " A life created into sculpture" or something like that that changes the sentence to make a the words connect more fluently.
"guess" doesn't sound right. It doesn't fit in with the sentence.
I loved it!
~Sky