I pity you
hapless and without knowledge
of love so profound.
Which can not be
explained by words,
truly known by any
person, alone.
Or, limited
to the word itself.
May I ask this,
If I wanted you to leave,
would I raise my head to see your back?
If I told you to die,
would you fall upon my feet?
If our love was true death I would not ask
and fatal it would not be.
For, to live without love
is to love without life.
To explain my words
or brief the unknown,
If thou life has ended
and thou love has not,
there is no point.
If thou have the privelege of life,
and no love within
what is the point?
I say not to spill thou own blood
or bleed as one
with your lover as you share
each other's death in one sorrowful event.
But, only that the passion of love
has great importance
that I pity you may never get.
Which pains you more than I.
I usually don't write love sick poetry, but I though I'd try it...yeah.....I don't think I am going to try it again. Good luck critiquing, and remember harsh, harsh, harsh!!!Lets not sugarcode anything!!!
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It sounds very pathetic, which all lovesick poetry is anyway, and very self pitying. I'm not keen on this kind of thing but I like the use of "thou" because it gives the poem an atmosphere akin to a victorian lament, or something like that. I haven't seen anything else of yours but whatever it is i'd stick to doing that, good attempt though.
Harsh? This was amazing! I can't believe this is your first attempt! Really well done, I enjoyed this a lot! Great job!
nice poem... love it shows some emotions which is very good...
harsh how could i be when it's so good keep at it
By "hapless and without knowledge" did you mean hopeless? Isee nothing else wrong. It rather smashing at that. You say you don't right poems about love very much? Well you did good. I would tell you to keep writing, but don't write about love if you don't have inspiration. If you do it wont have true emotion, just my opinion though.
Mwahaha! You want me to be harsh? Pff, I have nothing harsh to say only that you should try seperating your poem in stanzas. But I think it adds effects so it's your choice wether or not you choose to break it up.
And there's this:
Change the thous into thys. I think that's better because thou because thou means you and thy means your.
That's all I have to say.
Nice poem. Harsh enough?