Published November 4, 2007
I wrote this for a contest and won it. I'm just about to submit it with three other poems to a larger contest, but I made some changes to it, so please tell me what you think!
Fingering a Gun
A while a go not far from here,
A kid walked home
His face was sad, with a tear on his face
Just a kid, no one knew his name
A bell rang off somewhere,
And the kids started their fun.
He walked away and sat
Fingering a Gun.
Emotions ran wild inside of his heart
And he found hard against the words
That ran through his mind
He heard footsteps and hurriedly stuffed
The gun, into a deep layered cuff
A hand reached out
A friendship was made
And the world was made
Better that day.
So make an effort
To reach out to others
For you never know who
Could be fingering a gun.
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140,145 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
lern2poetry plz.
Putting that beside, I really liked this. I think that most of the things that could have been covered have already been said by VamPirate, but if you don't have any particular attatchment to it, I'd suggest removing the last stanza. The rest of the piece is so telling that it's superfluous.
Keep up the great work!
wats a deep layered cuff? like his sleeve?
Surely this should be ' A while ago'.
Do you need to repeat 'his face' twice?
Maybe 'his face was sad, with a tear' would do.
Gun doesn't need a capital letter.
I don't really understand these lines. Are you trying to say that he found it hard to control his emotions?
Apart from that, I liked it. The content was good and the way you wrote it was full of emotion, although maybe not as much as there could have been.
* VamPirate