She strolled up the corridor, keeping an eye on the numbers above the doors.
057, 058, 059, 060.
She came upon door 061, took a deep breath, and slowly slid it open. Sitting on the red leather seats was a man that matched the exact description. She whispered underneath her breath, A gray coat, white gloves, black dress pants, a red fedora, a brown briefcase.
The man glanced up at her and smiled, his gentle features shadowed by the pistol in his hand.
A bit breathlessly, she blurted out, “I’m a friend!”
The pistol disappeared, but the smile did not. “Come, sit.” The man gestured at the seat across from him and then leaned back with his eyes closed, supposedly asleep.
She hastily sat down, placing her identical brown briefcase right next to his. “Sir, would you like to... to do it now?”
Without saying a word or opening his eyes, the stranger used his foot to slide his briefcase towards her. She did the same.
A moment’s silence, and then she spoke. “Well, that’s that then.” She stood just as the train began slowing down. She walked out of the compartment, white knuckles clenched around the handle of her new briefcase, trying to stop her arms from trembling.
A shout made her freeze. Behind her, getting closer. Without looking back, she broke into a run, heading towards the exit doors. A cacophony suddenly arose behind her, coming from Compartment 061. A flurry of men’s shouts, suddenly silenced by two gunshots.
She ran down the steps, almost stumbling but catching herself. Finally on the station floor, she looked around until she found two suited men waiting in the shadows.
As she walked towards them, she glanced back at the window of Compartment 061, tipping her hat at the agent through bloodstained glass. The two agents ahead of her spotted her and approached, swiftly taking the briefcase from her hands.
“Good work, Agent Vivienne. We finally got him.”
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the morbid S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Vivienne needs to retrieve a briefcase from a man and then run. She does just that and then runs, letting him die as she completes the mission.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like how you describe Vivienne as being nervous when she’s talking to him by just asking him to do the thing and then running off. It feels like she’s asking for him to do something bad but still is a little scared about it. While reading this I wondered if both she and the man were going to commit a crime together, up until the ending when it was revealed that she wanted to catch him.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a quite exciting short story! I’ve enjoyed reading this and I will be certain to read any other stories that you may post. And so now…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
hi there, write!
I am a big fan of flash fiction - nice job with your competition!
So, I wasn't expecting spies when I went into this, but I am pleasantly surprised. I think the strongest thing here is how quickly you establish genre; all of the details early on (like the numbered corridor, for one) immediately cue the reader into a spy / noir exchange without needing a lot of exposition. I especially like the detail of the man’s features being shadowed by the pistol in his hand because it creates a great tonal contradiction: he is a danger, yet he seems very civil. I also think this idea pairs well with the red that comes through, and the whole compartment is staged around one "ominous" colour.
Though, even for flash fiction standards, I think your writing rushes past the suspense it is trying to build. The scene has all the ingredients for tension, but the pacing moves from arrival -> briefcase swap -> gunshots very quickly. I wanted a little normalcy / silence within Compartment 061 to last longer. For instance, the agent pretending to sleep is interesting because it makes him unreadable, but your story does not linger on Vivienne’s fear or uncertainty in that moment. Her knuckles and trembling arms are effective, I think, but they arrive AFTER the exchange... when the real psychological tension probably began the second she saw the pistol. I think leaning into moments like that could further develop your characters; who even is Vivienne?
Also, for clarity, I think some physical blocking could be clearer - the pistol "disappeared," but where did it go? Into his coat? Under the seat? Back into the briefcase? Where is the danger supposed to be? Is it supposed to be dangerous? The ending also seems cut off after "We finally got him," which doesn't feel like a cliffhanger ending to me. If you want the ending to be abrupt, I’d make the interruption feel intentional. I think Vivienne could've played a more substantial role in this since she seems to be the main character of this, yet I don't get a good sense of who she is from what you have currently.
Very nice work overall though!
best,
cocteau