The minute I opened my eyes I knew I couldn’t be dead. I could feel pain. The needle in my arm. The hard surface under my back.
The atmosphere hung around me in a suffocating white mist. I raised my hand to my face in an attempt to wave the frigid smoke away. A burst of pain darted up my side. My arm plopped back down with a thud. The disturbance in the air waved away just enough mist for me to see glass glittering above me. A chill sliced down my spine making me shake in my strange tomb.
I lay there for what seemed like hours. Every part of my body ached as I attempted to grit my teeth in frustration. Where was I? Why was I alive again? I didn’t need a second chance and I certainly didn’t want one. I closed my eyes and tried to go back to where I had been before. Maybe they had dreams in the afterlife or something.
All the pain I hadn’t felt in who knows how many years seemed to come crashing down over me. A loud sucking noise cut through the air next my face making me jolt. I groaned and thudded my head back down. There came a pop and a screech.
I cracked open my eyes as the mist began to clear. It seeped out of my bed and a dim lit room. My eyes darted wildly. Faces studied me behind masks. Bright yellow gloves covered their working hands. A persistent beeping heart monitor disturbed the awed silence of the scientists.
I rolled onto my side with a small groan and hefted myself up on my elbow. Their eyes watched me carefully as I looked off the side of my bed. My breathing quickened nervously as I saw the glass that had been on top of the bed. A coffin. I scowled and used all of my strength to push myself up.
The mist dissipated from the room so the machines around me were easily visible. I looked around the room slowly. People in blinding white hazmat suits stared. Silence rang true except for the beeps of monitors sitting next to my coffin. My eyes laid on a giant person standing in the corner. I could feel my heart racing as he stared at me from under the glass lens. It was a man. Huge and muscular from the looks of his suit. Interrupting my train of thoughts the man spoke with a booming voice, "Hello, Kara Ray Darnell. Welcome to the year 2181."
My eyes widened and I moved without thinking. I scrambled over the side of the coffin, slipping onto the cold stone floor. I pushed myself up. A slice jittered my legs sending me back to my knees. My chest heaved from the short burst of movement. "It's all right," somebody said. People in suits gathered around to help me. They reached out yellow gloved hands. My eyes darted around at all the scientists. I shuffled back, hot, sharp pain searing all of my moving muscles.
“Get back. Give her space,” the giant man said, stepping forward.
The scientists looked around mumbling. They reluctantly moved away and resumed working, clicking on monitors and screens.
I looked up at the man. He didn't seem half as scary now as he came forward and kneeled down in front of me.
I flinched as he stretched out his hand for me to take it. I stared at the yellow glove. I tried to push myself onto my feet but I dropped to my knees again. He reached his hand farther to me. “Everything’s alright,” he said. I placed hand cautiously in his palm. The man hefted me up gently. My legs wobbled under me. My feet tickled as they stood once again. "My name is Jason. I'm going to take care of you, alright?" he told me softly. I looked up into his gas mask.
"H-how," I began to speak but my voice came out as a croak. "How can I trust you?" I whispered.
“I need to put you in a wheelchair. We can’t stay in here,” he said, inching closer.
“Why? Where am I?”
“I’ll explain once we’re outside. The longer you’re in this room the more radiation materials enter your system.”
I leaned back against the wall behind me and watched as he stood and shuffled to a corner of the room. A wheelchair. I could only see by the faint glow of the machines but I could still see it. It was like any normal wheelchair I’d ever seen. If this was 2181 then it should’ve had rocket boosters or something.
Jason rolled it to me and offered his hand again. Hesitantly, I took it. I knew I couldn’t trust this man just yet but what choice did I have when I couldn’t even walk for myself. He pulled me up and sat me in the wheelchair like a child. I held the armrests as a couple scientists walked toward me, hands up in surrender.
“We need to take the needles out of you,” one said, her voice muffled by the mask.
I nodded slowly, my eyes dropping. I was already exhausted and I had just woken up. The lady scientist walked forward and placed a hand on the back of my neck. I didn’t even realize there was a needle there. She pulled out a tiny silver needle and placed it on an operations table behind her. She pulled out the fluids needle from my arm.
“Good as new. Sort of,” she said. It sounded chirper but I was in no mood to smile. I wasn’t too sure what kind of mood I was in.
The man, Jason wheeled me toward a porthole door in the left side. I looked back at the coffin. LED lights glowed from inside like a lizard’s cage.
Jason opened the metal door and pulled me in after him. The walls were tinted a light blue from the neon lights under the grated floor. A second door sat in front of me. The lights cast long eerie shadows over the cylinder room. Whatever awaited me outside that door couldn’t be much different from 2014.
Jason cleared his throat and tapped a few buttons on a control pad by the door. “I don’t know about everyone outside those doors or back in the lab but I’m here to help," he said. He raised his hand and held up his pinkie finger. I looked at his finger then back at his black mask. “Promise,” he said.
I held back my scowl and wrapped my pinkie around his. I wouldn’t tell him that I didn’t trust him just yet. He shook our intertwined fingers violently. “Now, I’m going to detoxify the air so we can go into the actual lab,” he said, letting go and turning to the wall. I watched as he clicked a few buttons and flipped a little analog switch.
Four cups on each wall next to me slid open with a hiss. The air inside thinned as the toxins I had been breathing melted out of my skin. It took only seconds before we were ready.
“Alright,” Jason said, swinging open the next door. “Onward and forward,” he said, pushing me into the blinding laboratory lights.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hey its Zeus here to review for the Big Bang where, the Universe originated! Anyway, I really liked your story! It has a very interesting plot. I mean, a girl resurrected from the dead a hundred and sixty seven years after she died? That's just cool! As a fellow science fiction writer and avid reader, I know good sci-fi when I see it, and I have to tell you, this sure is a good one! I have just a few small suggestions for your already gripping story:
1.I think that by 2181 we would see a few more technological advances, like for example, a robot wheelchair or...robot surgeons or something like that or at least more advanced equipment. Perhaps you could show some the technological advances here? Or maybe I'm just far too obsessed with robots (That is a possibility.)
2. 'I placed hand cautiously in his palm.'
I'm pretty sure you mean 'I placed my hand cautiously in his palm.'
3. '"How can I trust you?" I whispered.'
This doesn't sound right to me and I think that it would read better as ' "How do I know I can trust you?" I whispered.'
4.'It sounded chirper but I was in no mood to smile.'
I'm not sure, but I think it's chipper not chirper.
5.'Jason opened the metal door and pulled me in after him.'
Wasn't Jason pushing her in a wheelchair? If so, this should be 'Jason opened the metal door and pushed me in ahead of him.'
Apart from the above, I have no problems with this story! It really is a good one, and I can't wait to see more from you! Keep writing!
-Zeus
Wow, a very brilliant idea! I love futuristic stories, and this one is a great example of how the future might not be so different to our lives right now. There's not a lot wrong here, but that can only mean one thing - nitpicking >:)
This paragraph seems to have an awful lot of physical actions stuffed into it. This is only the beginning, relax! Try moving some into a separate paragraph and replacing with feelings and emotions. This is a good time to cram in some thoughts before complicated stuff starts happening, but don't go overboard!
Here, try and answer a few of the questions the reader might have. What does it feel like to be dead? To be resurrected? Does it feel like sleep? Does the resurrection process feel good or bad, regardless of whether they wish to be alive again or not? How did she die? Is this affecting her thoughts on why she is being resurrected? You've half-answered a few already and presented the reader with more, but I think this little bit would be more interesting if you explained why she died, for a start. For example...
The chasmal abyss had engulfed the spirit for what seemed like eternity. It was thick nothingness - if nothingness could be thick. It was utterly devoid of light and dark, a mix of heaven and hell. Time did not pass; time did not exist here. The spirit's body was a weightless lacuna like the space around it, and this was how it would be for the rest of time.
Unless...
There was something - light, a tiny flickering light. The spirit wanted to go there, to reach out and touch it and hold it close for company. The light was now growing, slowly but surely. The spirit could wait. It had all the time in the world; quite literally. The light could take all the time it needed to kindle and flare like the same embers that had started inside the spirit's heart.
And so on. In this excerpt, the spirit, Aeren, wants to be alive again. There are only pleasant feelings and emotions, but that is enough. They're relatively evenly spread and linked to a particular thing, in this case, the light.
There should be a question mark at the end of your sentence
"A jolt of cramp flared through my legs, crippling me to the point of kneeling." Or something like that.
There are a few more things in this piece that you'll want to check but all you need to do is rake through. Things like missing words, punctuation mistakes, awkward phrases, etc. Good luck, and I hope this turns into a fully fledged novel - you're certainly capable!
Thank you so so much!
I was hoping the way she died would be a secret. A character development thing.
Thank you again for commenting!
I see. No problem!
This story seems pretty interesting-- I would love to read more of this!! Your writing style is very interesting, as well. There are a few things that I'd like to let you know about, though:
"All the pain I hadn’t felt in who knows how many years seemed to come crashing down over me. A loud sucking noise cut through the air next my face making me jolt. I groaned and thudded my head back down. There came a pop and a screech."
"... in who-knows-how-many years ...." This is optional, but I don't know I've always done this myself; it adds a bit of humor, but also keeps the sentence together.
"... next to my face, making me jolt." nothing major; just a missed comma
"The mist dissipated from the room so the machines around me were easily visible. I looked around the room slowly. People in blinding white hazmat suits stared. Silence rang true except for the beeps of monitors sitting next to my coffin. My eyes laid on a giant person standing in the corner. I could feel my heart racing as he stared at me from under the glass lens. It was a man. Huge and muscular from the looks of his suit. Interrupting my train of thoughts the man spoke with a booming voice, 'Hello, Kara Ray Darnell. Welcome to the year 2181.' "
"People in blindingly white hazmat suits...." This just makes the sentence flow better; you're using 'blinding' as an adjective to describe 'white,' but it almost sounds a bit choppy without the -ly.
"...from under the glass lens." What glass lens? Is it his mask? (If so, maybe mention that here rather than later.) Is she under some sort of microscope thing? You need to be a bit more specific here.
"Interrupting my train of thought, the man spoke with a booming voice: 'Hello...." Here you need to remove the 's' because it is a common phrase and a 'train of thought' is just like one train and each car is a separate idea, so you don't need more than one train (does that make any sense?).
Also, it would be more apropos to use a colon instead of a comma when introducing his speech here because you're coming in with a description of him and how he speaks, so it's almost like you're giving an example of his "booming voice."
"My eyes widened and I moved without thinking. I scrambled over the side of the coffin, slipping onto the cold stone floor. I pushed myself up. A slice jittered my legs sending me back to my knees. "
"A slice jittered my legs, sending me back to my knees." just missing a comma; also, what exactly do you mean by 'slice'? Like a slicing pain, or something like that? It was a bit unclear, so maybe you could make that a bit more specific.
"I flinched as he stretched out his hand for me to take it. I stared at the yellow glove. I tried to push myself onto my feet but I dropped to my knees again. He reached his hand farther to me. 'Everything’s alright,' he said. I placed hand cautiously in his palm. The man hefted me up gently. My legs wobbled under me. My feet tickled as they stood once again. 'My name is Jason. I'm going to take care of you, alright?' he told me softly. I looked up into his gas mask."
"I flinched as he stretched out his hand for me to take." The 'it' is unnecessary here; you're just reiterating the fact that he stretched out his hand to her, which we already knew from the beginning of the sentence.
"I tried to push myself onto my feet, but I dropped to me knees again." just a missing comma after 'feet'
"My feet tickled as I stood once again." You used 'they' here; 'I' would be more appropriate because even though you use your feet for standing, YOU do the actual standing, so 'I' makes more sense.
" 'I’ll explain once we’re outside. The longer you’re in this room the more radiation materials enter your system.' "
"The longer you stay in this room, the greater the risk of radiation materials entering your system becomes." need a comma; 'the more radiation materials' doesn't really make sense because 'more' implies a singular noun, and 'radiation materials' is plural;
another option could be this: "The longer you're in this room, the more likely it is that radiation materials will enter your system."
"I leaned back against the wall behind me and watched as he stood and shuffled to a corner of the room. A wheelchair. I could only see by the faint glow of the machines but I could still see it. It was like any normal wheelchair I’d ever seen. If this was 2181 then it should’ve had rocket boosters or something."
"I could only see by the faint glow of the machines, but I could still see it." missing comma
"It was like any other wheelchair I'd ever seen. If this was 2181, then it should've had rocket boosters or something." 'any normal wheelchair' is a bit choppier than 'any other wheelchair;' and you need a comma after 2181 because the rule is you must put a comma after number years
"Jason rolled it to me and offered his hand again. Hesitantly, I took it. I knew I couldn’t trust this man just yet but what choice did I have when I couldn’t even walk for myself. He pulled me up and sat me in the wheelchair like a child. I held the armrests as a couple scientists walked toward me, hands up in surrender."
"I knew I couldn't trust this man just yet, but what choice did I have when I couldn't even walk by myself?" you need a comma before 'but' because it's separating two ideas; 'by myself' is a phrase that makes more sense than 'for myself' because it connotates independence, which is exactly what Kara wants; you need a question mark after 'myself' because you've phrased it like a question
" 'Good as new. Sort of,' she said. It sounded chirper but I was in no mood to smile. I wasn’t too sure what kind of mood I was in."
"It sounded chipper, ..." I think the word you were trying to say was 'chipper,' because 'chirper' doesn't really make sense here. Also, you need another comma, because with the 'but' there you're separating ideas again.
"The man, Jason wheeled me toward a porthole door in the left side. I looked back at the coffin. LED lights glowed from inside like a lizard’s cage."
"The man, Jason, ...." when you are transitioning from one title to another, (the man, Jason, ...) you need two commas: one before the new title, and one after it to separate it from the rest of the sentence and keep the sentence reading smoothly
"Jason opened the metal door and pulled me in after him. The walls were tinted a light blue from the neon lights under the grated floor. A second door sat in front of me. The lights cast long eerie shadows over the cylinder room. Whatever awaited me outside that door couldn’t be much different from 2014."
"The lights cast long, eerie shadows over the cylindrical room." you have two adjective so you need a comma separating them; 'cylinder' needs to be 'cylindrical' because you're describing the shape of the room and 'cylinder' is a noun whereas 'cylindrical' is an adjective
"Jason cleared his throat and tapped a few buttons on a control pad by the door. 'I don’t know about everyone outside those doors or back in the lab but I’m here to help,' he said. He raised his hand and held up his pinkie finger. I looked at his finger then back at his black mask. 'Promise,' he said."
" 'I don't know about everyone outside those doors or back in the lab, but I'm here to help....' " again, you need a comma before the 'but' because you're separating ideas
Okay, so lots of things were just tiny errors... but I have one more thing to say before I end this ridiculously long review. Some of your sentences were super short; in these cases, most of them worked, but just watch out for that in the future; it can get tiring for a reader to read too many short sentences in a row.
Anyway, like I was saying, I really liked your story and I can't wait for more!!!
Keep writing!!
~liveandbreathewords
Thank you so much! I will be slaving away to get all those commas right. I was never good with punctuation anyway. Thanks so much, again!
No problem! If you ever need somebody to look over something for you, I'd be happy to help!!
Thank you! It really means a lot to me!!
I accidentally commented and it won't let me delete it. Ignore this.