Life's melody prolog

Hi,

I am going to edit your story, what you read below it my editing. Okay here we go...


*I live in an apartment building alone, but completely alone since my friends John and Cynthia live in the same building but not the same room. We went to college together but when we graduated we decided we weren't college material so we decided to tell our parents that. John and Cynthia's parents got a little upset, as well as my dad but they eventually accepted our decision. Then they told us they were kicking us out.

We got upset but then we all agreed that were adults and it's time we live on our own. So we found this place and a job, and here we are. John got a job at a gas station, Cynthia works at some coffee shop, and I work at a supermarket where basically just move new shipments of food and stuff. It pays enough and I usually have a little money left over to save, and it's close to my apartment so it's not bad.

"Ahh...finally out of work and tomorrow's Saturday." I said happily then noticing the gray sky, I felt saddened. "Ugh...I hate this weather makes me feel lonelier."

Then it started raining. "Great..." I said sarcastically. "Well I better hurry then". I started running, when I heard a faint sound that sounded like a...violin?*

I started slowing down ,noticing the sound getting louder and clearer. It sounded so sad like if the thing making the noise was crying itself. I slowed down and when I was passing an ally I noticed a girl playing wearing a white sweater with the hood over and purple jeans playing violin and crying.

Her crying seemed in tune with the violin. She stopped playing, and set the violin down on the floor. She then took a deep breath and grabbed something next to her. She lifted it up and I saw it was a piece of broken glass.

"Goodbye life...I can finally escape all this strife" She said. Then she held the glass to her neck.*

"Goodbye". She said plainly, but sadly.

"WAIT!" I exclaimed.

She then turned and saw me. "Who are are you?" She asked in a rhythmic voice.

"My name is Jeremy" I said walking closer to her.

"Are you gonna...kill yourself?" I asked hopping for a no.

"Yes...I...am" she said slowly.

"Why?" I asked.

"I'm sad so I want to die". She said. "Don't try to stop me...don't even try!" "She was holding the piece of glass to her neck.

"Whoa! Look j-just calm down alright?. Why are you sad?" I asked.

She then looked down, and slowly put the glass down.

"Where do I begin? I lost my memories and was found with nothing but a violin. But some people found me and took me in their home. I was so happy because I was no longer alone, No longer sad, and finally something by my side. But...then they told me they had a surprise. So we went in the car and took a long drive." She sniffed. "Then we got here and they to look and see...then they drove off and left me...as you can see...sniff..."She broke down crying. Poor girl... I thought.

"Well there you have it...goodbye mister".

The girl said about to slice her throat. "Woah! Hold on just because some people don't care about you doesn't mean you should kill yourself."

"You don't get it". The girl said a bit angry. "The people who cared about me and I cared about the most just left like I was nothing! I have nowhere to go! No memories of my past! No one that cares about me!" She sniffled some more. "I have absolutely no reasons to live...I just want to die." She sadly no longer in that rhythmic manner.

"You don't want to die." I said kneeling down in front of her. "You just want someone to care about you just feel over whelmed with sadness and feel like killing yourself, right?" I asked.

"Go away..." She said.

"You just wanna be happy with someone don't you?"

"I said go away!" She yelled.

"You just want someone to care about you."

"I SAID GO AW-"

I hugged her tightly before she could finish. "Don't worry everything will be alright." I whispered.

"Sniff...we..weahh!" She cried. I-I don't wanna die! I just want someone to care about me! To worry about me! Someone who'll take care of me! Someone I can be happy, sad, and even cry with with! I...In just want someone in this world who actually care if I live or die..." she said sadly." If I can find that someone I'll find my reason to live."

"Don't worry" I said pulling back her eyes on me."Tell you what. I'll take you to my place, and can stay with me and if you find a reason to live keep on living okay?" I asked her hopefully.

"Sniff...okay...and if I don't?" She asked. "Then if you still want too...you can kill yourself" I said.

"Okay...deal". She said holding out her arm. I shook it.

"Okay then let's go!" I exclamied getting up and picking her up in my arms with her violin.

"Okay...thank you...Jeremy" She said.

"No problem". I said smiling. Then we headed for my home.*


Whew! Okay that is my editing, now here is my reviewing.

I feel like the beginning to the story is unnecessary, it had nothing to do with the girl.

You seem to use double quotations a lot.

The ending seemed a bit rushed.

But the plot was good.


Keep on writing.

Raven,

Whoops! Acccidetally commented.

It has a very intriguing concept and idea, I like it. Grammatically though, it has room for much improvement.

"I live in an apartment building alone but completely alone since my friends John and Cynthia live in the same building but not the same room"."We went to college together but when we graduated we decided we weren't collge material so we decided to tell our parents that."

This is narration, not dialogue. No quotation marks are needed. This sentence was quite choppy, and I think you should read it aloud. There is also a misspelling("collge").

I think that if you just polished and revised this, it could be pretty brilliant.

I really like the idea for this. It's very sad and touching. However, I'm a bit confused about how it's written.

The first two paragraphs have quotation marks even though it doesn't sound like dialogue. The pacing was very fast. There's also not nearly enough paragraph breaks. And a ton of little typos, you might want to reread and clean some of those up.

Besides for the technical stuff, though, there is a lot of emotion in this. I can see it making a good novel. So nice work.

Hope you like it(:

Ok, so overall this price sounded like a first chapter instead of a prologue. I also felt like it went very fast and I couldn't follow it very well. You often used simple words such as "said" . Try to use more interesting language such as, "Don't worry" I muttered soothingly." This gives the reader an idea of what your character is feeling.
Otherwise, you had a good plot and strong characters. Keep writing!

Hello !!
So I must confess, I really liked the idea of the plot. The way it talks about suicides and depressed people and the ways to help such people out is really heart touching. *applauds*

Your style of writing is very simple, er- probably very conversational like the way we generally talk. So people don't have to put a lot of time in understanding the text, and I like it.

The end was truly heartbreaking but still it seemed so gorgeous to me how a person can calm down somebody who's on the verge of killing themselves. Yet, I only feel er- going to a stranger's place just because he helped you, maybe something I don't get. But ok, it still doesn't ruin the beauty of the story.

So friend, all in all, I enjoyed this. Good job.

Greeting,
MarS