☂ p a r a c o s m
he sits at the edge
just feet away from the light house
an open book on his lap
and yet
his eyes stare ahead at
the expanse of
crashing waves
opalescent tides
and the infinite sea.
she tentatively sits
beside him
skirt ruffled by the
relentless breeze
legs dangling
over
the
cliff.
no words just a
persistent drumming
dancing
thumping
of the water
below.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
I rarely review anymore, but I was in a literary mood (it's a thing), so I'll walk you through this one.
Who? The edge of what? This is vague. It sounds pretty, but it does very little to open up any worthwhile imagery and symbolism that can drive the poem forward; as a result, the rest of the stanza feels unnatural and aimless:
What are you really trying to say? It all feels roundabout, as if you're afraid to delve into the heart of the issue and instead hide behind words like "opalescent" and "infinite" and arbitrary imagery. If that sounded ad hominemal, it should. You seem to have a solid grasp on the English language, but you need to be bolder, and clearer. Aesthetic allure is a poor substitute for true poetic content and depth. Again, I think it comes down to your opening line, which needs to more effectively free up your creative landscape instead of close it down. You'd be better off with something more detailed and more honest.
I generally abhor the use of adverbs in poetry; "tentatively" isn't an exception. As a reader, all it tells me is that you were unable/too apathetic to find a more accurate verb to replace "sit."
"skirt ruffled by the/relentless breeze" is ineffective. "Ruffled" should not be past tense—you're essentially claiming that the skirt has already been ruffled and is no longer in the process of being ruffled, which not only displaces the reader's natural attention toward the present but also seems to contradict the contended "relentlessness" of the wind. On that note, I don't like "relentless;" it connotes harshness, which is incongruent with the atmosphere you appear to be aiming toward.
Once more, though, more clarity is needed. You've introduced a vaguely romantic component but this must be fleshed out far more than it is in its present state.
I hate to be that guy, but the stanza would sound much better if you left it at "dangling."
The first line is again poor, even aside from the glaringly omitted comma. I'm sure you can find a more engaging way of describing a lack of dialog than "no words."
But if you really want this poem to go anywhere at the end, you are going to need to take more drastic steps toward exploring the relationship dynamics between the girl and the boy. As has been the case in other parts of this poem, your decision to talk about the waves and the sea instead of the meat of the poem, the romance, is suggestive of cowardice. You seem intelligent, so I'm sure you at some level recognize this.
In future writing endeavors, always be sure to ask yourself what the true theme of the poem is, and then assess how efficiently you attack that theme. Be bolder, take risks, and I think you'll find that your writing will improve.
*And when I say that things should be fleshed out, do not make the mistake of equating this with greater length. I am simply advocating greater efficiency.
Hey ObserverxD here ! Before i get started I want it to be clear that I don't believe everything I say is a fact. I'm just expresing my opinion on your work. It doesn't have to be absolutely correct, so take it with consideration.
I simply adore the sound of your poem. What you have done here is the desription of a moment, a moment frozen in time. I really enjoy these kind of poems as they have a special kinda sad ring to it. I have nothing bad to say about your work. You should perhaps try to evolve your work further in the description of deeper and stronger moments in time with the same voice you have used here.
Keep up the good work,
ObesrverxD
Hey! Thank you for your suggestions and kind words! There's a reason why this poem is not just a one part poem, there'll be more to come.
So stay tuned, lovely! x
Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! Let's get started.
Hmm..there were some interesting literary choices in this eh? No capitalization, mostly a lack of punctuation, and this title paracosm sort of takes away the realism.
Let's start with grammar and such. Usually it is the author's decision on what they want to do with punctuation, but I think using it would be to your advantage. This would help emphasize important statements and complete thoughts on top of a clear-cut flow. For example
"He sits at the edge;
just feet away from the light house,
an open book on his lap.
And yet,
his eyes stare ahead at
the expanse of
crashing waves,
opalescent tides,
and the infinite sea."
I'm not rather fond of what you decided to do for the
"over
the
cliff."
It actually loses its importance and makes it sound choppy. I would just make that one line and attach it to the stanza before it.
So, a paracosm is like an imaginary world. Does that mean this isn't real? If you mean it in the context that you imagined all this then it's a little weird to have as a title. You don't want titles to change the reader's view of the poem over all; just a little phrase or word that is significant to the poem. I mean, we all imagine most of the things in our poetry. Just like something I read the other day, I'm pretty sure the author didn't witness a book containing a human soul and experience that literally for themselves, so you don't need to point out that you imagined this. If it's going to be a series of stories from your imaginary world with a common theme of this boy and girl, then I would definitely look forward to that.
I'm looking forward to hear from you and have a nice day!
~Purple
Hi wordsy, Shauzer here reviewing
so I'll leave that point. I liked how you came away from the waves, went to the girl and came back again. It illustrated the fact that the waves are a constant, ever-existent, as you said - 'infinite'. I liked how well the flow of this poem went, there was no rhyming and that did make it easier to keep the flow smooth, but still well done. I'm sorry about the formatting, as I assume that wasn't purposeful. If it was, it was a most horrible idea and it kind of ruins the whole thing - but i know it wasn't so I'll leave that point too 
I loved this poem. it was short, it was sweet. I realize it's part one, and I see a lot of potential in this. You could have like a hundred parts :O That would be cool... But anyway, on to the review!!!
I liked how you didn't use full stops - not including the ones that finished off paragraphs - or commas. It made it unique as opposed to the expected effect - making it worse. I liked your description of the waves, maybe something about the smell of the sea air in his nose or the feel of her hand, sitting gently, safely in his own might have been nice. You could have added something else like such. But I can see you were striving for simplicity, and it worked out well
So anyway, well done. I enjoyed this poem, really liked the whole thing, start to finish. it was short and most definitely sweet. Keep going with this style, a lot of people can't do it right but you nailed it here.
Keep writing.
Yours in ink,
TS.
Hey Shauzer! Thank you for the kind words! Unfortunately, I actually did want to make this poem a little more interactive... visual, might I say. The words "over the cliff" were supposed to be spaced in such a way that they would appear to be hanging off a precipice, but the formatting options on this website are admittedly somewhat restricting. I guess we all have to make do.
Completely agree on the website's formatting, for a website dedicated wholly to writing, it sucks. But well done anyway, good poem!