Wicked Innocence (NaNo 2010) Chapter 1

I think it was really good, unique yet classic all at once. I loved the irony, and I loved your characters, they were strong, and the story has a great foundation so far.

wickedwonder wrote:

1

God, I always hated my life. It was always living in a fake reality smiling happily with my controlling mother and absent father. I sat in my tower bedroom, painted princess pink, with an annoying four poster bed and little butterflies on the popcorn ceiling.

I was eternally trapped in a four-year-old#FF0000 ">'s bedroom.

I tapped my fingers against the glass and frowned slightly. It was a Friday night. Most kids my age would be at a party, getting wasted and having sex.
#FF0000 ">That would be normal to some kids. I don't find that normall. In my opinion... it's skimpy and something I'd never do in my life. Though, I would go to a party.
I, however, was stuck in the castle-like tower, mostly likely with guards outside my door.
#FF0000 ">Change that to "most likely"
I hated being the daughter of CIA agents.

My Iphone, sung on it’s charger, blared with Taio Cruz’s ‘Dirty Picture’, which meant that Mariah Watson, my best and virtually only friend, was calling me.
#FF0000 ">Try not "sung on it's charger." "it's" makes me think of "it is"
I crawled across the bed, and grabbed it, pressing the talk button as I did.

“Hey, Tramp.” It was Mariah’s signature way of greeting me. I rolled my eyes, running my fingers though my hair.

“What’s up, M?” I asked, “anything that can get me out of this place?”

“A Kegger, in the woods behind Hamilton High#FF0000 ">,” Mariah said. I thought for a minute. I didn’t know where Hamilton High was, I had never heard of it.
#FF0000 ">when dialouge ends with someone saying something with said, says, or something like that, then it has a comma. But you can use a period when there is an action instead of "he said" a period would be used when it's something like,
"Kenny said I could." Frank crossed his arms and pouted.
“Where’s that?” I asked. I could hear Mariah groan. He father was in the same line of work as mine, but her parents were less strict. She even went to a private school, while I was home schooled.

“It’s the public school, by the lake?” Mariah asked, “Forget it, I’ll be over at your#FF0000 ">s? in, like, ten. So, change into something cute, but not slutty, all right? Bye, Tramp.” I pressed the End Call button and crossed over to my closet, pulling it open.

I rifled through the clothes for a minute, grabbing a mini-dress. I took my time changing out of my black sweats and light blue tank top. I pulled the minidress on, turning to my full-length mirror.

The dress was green and glittery, stopping just before my knees. My red hair fell, reaching just past my shoulders. I smiled, grabbing a light sweater from the post of my bed.

Then I resumed sitting on my window seat, staring out into the dark night.

I had been daydreaming when I pebble hit my window. I jumped, almost falling off of my seat.

I used both hands to push the window open and looked down. Mariah was standing, wearing a black leather jacket, black, feathery tutu dress and black combat boots.

“Come on!” she said, “my car is waiting.” I grabbed a pair of green flats, and tossed them out the window.

“Climbing the trellis?” Mariah called up. I hurriedly grabbed my phone, stuffing it into my purse. Then I held the clutch in my teeth as I swung myself out of the window and down the rose trellis.



Once on the ground, I grabbed my shoes and slipped them on. Mariah stood with her hands on her hips, smirking slightly.

“My mother will kill me when she finds out.” I said in greeting.

“You say that every time we sneak out#FF0000 ">,” Mariah replies, leading the way to her Maserati.

I got into the front, buckling up my seat belt. Mariah tosses her black hair over her shoulder, pumps up Taio Cruz’s ‘Dynamite’ and begins to drive. “So where are we going?” I asked, chewing my lip. Mariah laughed.

#FF0000 ">You changed tenses for a moment. I do that all the time on accident. It should be more like, "pumped up Taio Cruz's 'Dynamite' and began to drive.
#FF0000 ">“The woods behind the public school,” I said. She reminded me as we drove off therough the back gates.

#FF0000 ">Wait. You said that the MC said that. But Mariah reminded her? and therough should be "through"

Public schoolers really kn#FF0000 ">ew how to party. There #FF0000 ">was an ipod hooked up to a portable system, blasting an atuotuned beat. In the middle of the clearing, boys and girls I have never seen before dance, grinding against each other.
#FF0000 ">You changed tenses a few times in there.
“Hey, Austin#FF0000 ">,” Mariah called to a boy standing alone at the clearing. She causally takes a pack of cigarettes from her jacket pocket and lights one. The boy Austin comes up to us, hugging Mariah and kissing her forehead. I looked away awkwardly, to the keg that had a line a mile long of people waiting. I decided to join the line, though I’m not a heavy drinker. Anything would be better then here with Mariah and some random guy.
#FF0000 ">Aganin, changed tenses.
I shook my hair from my eyes as I joined the line, behind a boy just a few inches taller then me. He turned around and smiled, a lovely, dark mischievous smile.

“Hey,” I said nervously. His mint green eyes narrowed, and he flicked his black hair out of his vision.

“I’ve never seen you#FF0000 ">,” He said.

“Yeah, my friend Mariah brought me along tonight#FF0000 ">,” I explained, “I’m Leah.”

“Chase#FF0000 ">,” He said, his eyes winking with general bad ass-ness. As we moved up in the line, I glanced at Chase, then again at the grass.

“Where are you from?” he asked.

“Around#FF0000 ">,” I said, “I grew up in New York.”

“And now you’re in Washington?’ Chase asked incredulously.

“Yeah#FF0000 ">,” I said, “it’s funny how things work out.” Chase pulled a pack of cigarettes from his black leather jacket and offered me one.

“No, thanks#FF0000 ">,” I said, “I’d rather not get cancer.” Chase laughed, nervously stepping back on his left foot. He lit one as the song changed, becoming something sweeter and slower. In my periphal vision, I saw Austin pull Mariah into the clearing, kissing her neck. I turned away. I was too much of a prude for PDA. Chase handed me a blue plastic cup, already filled with beer. I knew not to take it.

“It’s okay#FF0000 ">,” I said, “I’ve got it. You were here first.”

“Take it,” Chase said, “my dad’s a cop. I don’t own any date rape drugs.”
#FF0000 ">I still wouldn't have taken it. I would have gotten my own. Instead of trusting that guy.
“That’s a good thing to know,” I said, accepting the cup. I took a sip, swallowing quickly. Chase watched my reaction. That stuff tasted disgusting#FF0000 ">; I almost dropped the cup.

“Wow#FF0000 ">,” I said, “and that’s what beer tastes like?”

“Was that your first time drinking?” Chase asked. I stared into his face again. He was cute, too cute. There was something about his looks that made me lie;#FF0000 ">I'm not sure what should be here but I know it's not supposed to be a semicolon. “of course not.” Chase stared at me for a second, then his smile grew, wicked and mysterious.

“I don’t believe that for a second#FF0000 ">,” He said.

“I know#FF0000 ">,” I said, lowering my voice, “I have many secrets#FF0000 ">.” I raised my eyes so I was looking straight into his eyes. They were the exact same shade as mine, “do you want to find them out?” Without letting hi#FF0000 ">m answer, I turned and walked away.

Heyy
I really like this piece!
but im just going to spot out some nitpicks

God, I always hated my life.

sung on it’s charger

In the middle of the clearing, boys and girls I have never seen before dance, grinding against each other.

Anything would be better then here with Mariah and some random guy.

“That’s a good thing to know.” I said, accepting the cup.

That stuff tasted disgusting. I almost dropped the cup.

He was cute, too cute.

, “I have many secrets,”

so that I was looking straight into his

This was interesting. I liked the irony.

wickedwonder wrote:I was eternally trapped in a four-year-olds bedroom.
Ha ha.

I tapped my fingers against the glass and frowned slightly. It was a Friday night. Most kids my age would be at a party, getting wasted and having sex.
I'm wondering if she thinks thats a good thing or is just considering that "normal."

“Hey, Tramp.” It was Mariah’s signature way of greeting me. I rolled my eyes, running my fingers though my hair.
A little background here would be nice. Mariah's nickname is obvious but Leah's isn't.

“Climbing the trellis?” Mariah called up. I hurriedly grabbed my phone, stuffing it into my purse. Then I held the clutch in my teeth as I swung myself out of the window and down the rose trellis.
I found Mariah's question useless since you tell us what Leah's doing in the same paragraph, but you can keep it if you want.

Once on the ground, I grabbed my shoes and slipped them on. Mariah stood with her hands on her hips, smirking slightly.
Why is she smirking?

“Hey, Austin.” Mariah called to a boy standing alone at the clearing. She causally takes a pack of cigarettes from her jacket pocket and lights one. The boy Austin comes up to us, hugging Mariah and kissing her forehead. I looked away awkwardly, to the keg that had a line a mile long of people waiting. I decided to join the line, though I’m not a heavy drinker. Anything would be better then here with Mariah and some random guy.
If Mariah's the kind of girl I think she is and she and Austin are in a relationship a kiss on the forehead is toning down what I would think of a reasonable, believable action. A kiss on the forehead is more fatherly than boyfriend like. Also, you make it sound like Leah has tried alcohol before by saying she's not a heavy drinker then it turns out she's never had beer. Now, it is possible her experience could be limited to wine and champagne but beer is more common in most housholds. You may want to make that clearer.

“Chase.” He said, his eyes winking with general bad ass-ness. As we moved up in the line, I glanced at Chase, then again at the grass.
I love the word ass-ness.

“And now you’re in Washington?’ Chase asked incredulously.
I am wondering what the daughter of a CIA agent is doing in Washington. Unless you mean Washington D.C. then I can understand it. What I've gotten from the state, with my poor knowledge of it, it isn't a big theives' den. I could be wrong.

“No, thanks.” I said, “I’d rather not get cancer.” Chase laughed, nervously stepping back on his left foot. He lit one as the song changed, becoming something sweeter and slower. In my periphal vision, I saw Austin pull Mariah into the clearing, kissing her neck. I turned away. I was too much of a prude for PDA.
Why is she at the party? She comes off as a bit snobbish which wasn't what you meant.

“It’s okay.” I said, “I’ve got it. You were here first.”

“Take it,” Chase said, “my dad’s a cop. I don’t own any date rape drugs.”

“That’s a good thing to know.” I said, accepting the cup. I took a sip, swallowing quickly.
She's really trusting a guy she doesn't know just based on his word? It's fine, but if that were me I still wouldn't take it.

“I know.” I said, lowering my voice, “I have many secrets,” I raised my eyes so I was looking straight into his eyes. They were the exact same shade as mine, “do you want to find them out?” Without letting his answer, I turned and walked away.
I'm sure you meant to do this and I like it. You end it where we're questioning it all. My only complaint is it happened really fast. The relationship developed quickly, almost too quickly.